A Great Day

Even in the midst of the most intense battle of our lives it is nice to know that yes we can have a great day once in a while, and today was truly one of those days! For the first time in over a month Dawn was able to join us at Church today and what a wonderful service for her to attend. We had three new families join us today, these were local people with no affiliation to Little Country, which made it all the more special. While we thoroughly enjoy seeing our friends from LCC our primary goal is to be a part of the transformation of Shasta Lake and drawing the local people in is a very large part of our plan. We are so blessed to have someone as gifted as Brandon Allen leading our youth, Luke Pettingil leading our worship, and Dwelly Crofoot who is heading up our recovery ministry as well as much more. Laura Arnold is covering our fifth grade down to the babies and no one loves kids more than Laura, and soon Dusty Rose will be joining us as the leader of our Junior High, and yes he too is amazing! Along with this core team of staff we have families like the Golden's who serve so well in the ministry with great integrity and support, and Jon and Pat Stone affectionately known as mom and dad for obvious reasons. When you combine them with the team that was already in place at Shasta Lake who have served so faithfully for so long and you can see why I would be excited to go serve at every opportunity with this wonderful and expanding group of people.Some of whose names I cannot share because I have no permission to do so (I haven't asked).
Dawn and I cannot express in a lifetime our gratitude nor the depth of the blessing we feel we are receiving on a daily basis from so many brothers and sisters in Christ. I truly do not know how we would get through this difficult time without all of your support!
As I think back on the day I am reminded of the passage where we are told we will not receive more than we can bear, I must admit Iwas close. Isn't it amazing though how a single day without ongoing challenges and frustrations can equip you to take on many days of such challenges. The speed at which the human mind and body is able to recover from tragedy and trial is truly amazing when it is accompnaied by the power of the Holy Spirit. Somehow He is able to distance the pain and emotional suffering so quickly if we will allow it. I believe one key here is that we must be willing to let go, we must be willing to move on and not seek revenge, or justification. After all if we hang on we are bound as I mentioned in the last blog. But back to the point that God is so faithful to His people in strengthening them when they need it, and giving them not just substenance but abundance in times of trial.
Somehow this allows it all to make much more sense when James says things like,"count it all joy when you fall into various trials". The joy comes from the assurance of knowing that God is with us, that He understands our needs, and that He will not let us have more than we can handle. Like I heard someone say,"that which does not kill you makes you stronger", well I can honestly say yes I am getting stronger, as are my wife and my children. Maybe the reason I have such a hard time getting into a body workout is because I am so tired from the spiritual one, sounds good if nothing else. In all seriousness if you are in the battle zone, try enjoying it a little more and allow yourself to learn from it, after all you truly are not alone, and you cannot lose unless you quit!
Dawn has chemo this week on Tuesday and Wednesday so keep praying for the nausea to go away as well as the extreme sensitivity to anything above room temperature, this is all so uncomfortable for her. Bless you all and again Thank You!
Gene

Who or what is in control?

Throughout this trial we are in the midst of there has been a certain degree of confusion on my part in a particular area of my life. Beside the obvious fact that the Lord has been giving all of us the strength to get through this there still remains the question of "how are we even able to get to the point of allowing Him to do so?" You see it is one thing to say you trust God but it is completely another thing to see beyond the circumstances, and fear in order to arrive at the place of trust. Just tonight, I think I realized how to communicate and understand the answer completely in it's fullness for myself. You see the answer really is quite simple to realize and yet extrememly difficult and challenging to understand, so here it is: the cancer is not in control! The cancer does not dictate the outcome of our life, nor does it prevent us from reaching toward the goals we have for ourselves. Oh yes it does all it can to prevent us from doing the things we desire to do, however it truly is nothing more than an inconvenience, a rather large one but none the less it remains nothing more than that, an inconvenience. This disease has despite it's greatest efforts failed, and it will continue to fail to prevent us from walking in the fullness of the plans God has for us, and that is a choice we have made.
Dawn and I have purposed to do all we can to not allow this disease to derail our lives, the same way we have not allowed other challenges we have faced to do so. Oh yes this is the largest mountain we have ever had to climb but nonetheless it is just a mountain. And the way you climb any mountain is one step at a time, by purposing to pick your feet up and place one in front of the other. Oh yes you need an occasional break, and you may even find yourself sliding backward at times, however if you keep your eyes to the task and your mind on the goal eventualy you will overcome and arrive at the summit. Sometimes the summit is nothing more than arriving to the place where you were able to allow God to help you the remainder of the way, nonetheless you were victoriuos!
You see we all face mountains, challenges, hurts, pain inflicted by others, issues with our children, and so much more, yet the only way we fail is when we allow these challenges to dictate our actions. When we allow these things to make us someone we are not, when they cause us to react to situations in ways that are not the very best for us. This issue is not one that is reserved simply for those who believe, no this is a universal issue, one that every person does and must face. Ask yourself this question,"Have the challenges I have faced caused me to be someone other than who I desire to be?" Or do the circumstances of my past dictate my present and my future? If your answer is yes to either then you must stop allowing it to have control over you and change your focus, set your sights on the goal and begin the climb, one step at a time.
Dawn and I refuse to have our lives completely controlled by cancer, it is nothing more than a distraction that we are facing, a challenge that will strengthen each of us no matter what the outcome, because this is the choice we have made!
Today we visited our friendly cancer specialist and I'm not sure if he was encouraging or discouraging, he really didn't say much. He did however note that Dawn is not taking anywhere near the amount of pain meds that he would expect. Hence besides being a very tough lady, she is not experiencing the level of pain normaly associated with this disease. More tests have been ordered to see how things are progressing, in addition she will be receiving her chemo treatments next week. Areas of prayer: for Dawn to be able to eat, she needs to take in at least 2500 calories per day and she is well short of that. Also the chemo makes her extremely sensitive to cool or cold of any kind, so we pray that this symptom as well as the nausea would not be manifested within her.
Thank you all again for your encouragement, support, and prayers, we are so blessed!

Out of the mouths of "no longer babes"

What an interesting day this has turned out to be, not at all what I had expected thats for sure! Today started out like any other Monday, well at least in the Burroughs household! The phone began ringing at 7:30 am "Hi Gene this is Pam from Dr. Gottfried's office if you can get here by 8:15 we can take a look at that tooth that's bothering you, but we only have until 9:00 am to look at it!" Well ok another change in the day's plans, and yes you guessed it another day at a Doctor or Dentist office, so off we go "gotta hurry girls leaving early!"
Upon arriving at the Dentist office they of course whisked me right in, after all I had spent all of Friday, Saturday, and Sunday afternoon, taking Hydrocodone like it was candy and even then the pain was hardly bearable.
As they looked at the xrays there was obvious concern on thier faces, or no maybe it was just wonder, yes that was it, nothing wrong, so the wonder was why do you have such pain? Let's try the cold test, you know the one where they touch your teeth with stuff so cold it would freeze a wart right off your finger, the stuff that is not intended to touch your teeth, ever, that is after all why God placed them in the mouth not outside of it! You guessed it, still no pain, like I been saying all along it's an infection from somewhere else, because after all an infection means antibiotics and antibiotics mean you must eat, and that means my forty day fast is broken, and that means the enemy has one, and you got it that means this has all been an attack! If there is any doubt I suggest you read on.
Once I left the Dentist office shopping was on the agenda, after two stops at Redding's largest markets and still not filling my list I gave up and went home. Because you see in the process via phone messages and conversations I was informed that our deductable even though we prepaid it has a $600 discreptancy, and of course not in our favor. Oh sure we can and will work it out, key word being work, yes I will need to prove it and yes it will take time. Ok so I'm becoming a little frustrated with the way this day is going, Mondays are after all by far my worse day emotionaly and today was by no way an exception, the tears just seemed to jump out of my eyes today.
I arrived home a little frazzled, a lot weary, and an emotional wreck, seeing Dawn cheered me up for a moment, at least until I remembered why she was home and on the couch. So far I had missed visiting some ladies that had invited me to their Bible study in Shasta Lake, both insurance companies are doing all they can to frustrate me to the point of giving up so they don't have to pay, or at least payment will be delayed, and honestly I am almost ready to. As if the day has not tormented me sufficiently Dawn informs me that the bathroom ceiling is dripping water and appears to be sagging, and sure enough you guessed it, major leak! So with a screwdriver and a bucket in hand off I go to relieve the pressure on the sheetrock and let the water flow, the bucket is still there, not full yet, only 20 more gallons to go! Oh by the way I won't make it to meet with you today Ron, I have a mess to clean up, lets try again later, yeah you got it I missed that one too, time to pick up the meds and the kids, thank God John and Jenn made dinner tonight!
Ok so now the good part, dinner is done, the girls have finished thier homework and the family is all together, I'll pay bills later let's take some time to read the word together. One thing this illness has done is cause us all to gather together every night we can, and read Psalms to Dawn, she loves it and it is of course good for all of us.
Tonight would be different however, tonight we will also each share what we are thankful for, something we have not done together in quite some time, certainly not since Dawn's diagnosis. As we shared there was of course the normal dialogue and items found on almost every thankful list ever made, Mom, Dad, Food, our Home, Family, you know you've heard it at your own table I'm sure. But then the silence was broken with words that I will never forget, words that single handedly cured my ills and took my thoughts of pity and transformed them to humility, and yes even pride, and I quote, "I'm thankful that God has chosen us to go through this trial, I am thankful that God cares enough to use this to teach us more about Him and what He wants us to learn"! Those words came amongst tears from one of my daughters, enough said?
Dawn is doing well, she has fared much better this time with the chemo than the last, and the swelling in her tummy is going down every day! Yes Praise God! Is she being healed, I really don't know and suddenly I'm reminded that either way it's all ok. You see while everything of the world in our lives appears to be a mess, falling apart, and quite out of control, each one of us is growing so much in our relationship with God and each other that we cannot help but rejoice in the midst of this trial. And guess what, the enemy hates this. I believe that he is indeed infuriated with a Church that is growing in Shasta Lake, children who are clinging to God as opposed to blaming Him, two parents who are hanging on every word of God doing all they can to ignore the circumstances around them. Then there are the hundreds if not thousands of beleivers who are knocking on heavens door and coming against the plans he has laid. Oh yes the enmy is not happy with all of us, and that includes you, aren't you glad.
Yes we can do this! By the way thank you all for your offers of help, Dawn's mom is now coming by three days a week, cleaning, cooking, and so on, my brother in law is a contractor who does much work for insurance companies. Then there is the staff and volunteers at Shasta Lake are doing an amazing job at the Church. It's not that we don't appreciate or want the help, we just have so much and for that words cannot express our amazement and humility, please keep those prayers, cards , and letters coming, oh how we love you all!!!!!!!!!!

What matters today?

For as long as I can remember (into my early childhood), there has been an overwhelming sense within me that I would be alive to witness the return of Jesus. This feeling has been one that has never retreated or faded but in actuality it has become stronger with time, and with every passing day I believe it more and more. As I have read and studied to a certain degree the signs of the return of Christ there are a number of areas that one would say are quickly coming to fruition. Things such as wars, rumors of wars, increased earthquake activity, famine, diseases that are unkown in origin and so on, and all are increasing at an alarming rate. When you read the prophesy or proclamation of what "will be the signs" of His return you cannot help but be amazed, even if you are not a believer you cannot deny the factual scientific data that agrees with the word of God. By the way don't worry this will get back to an update on Dawn, please bare with me. The comfort that comes to those of us who do believe when we are in the midst of trials is incredibly strengthened when we see these things coming to be. However even if we were not witnessing such events taking place we would still remain in that place of confidence and comfort not because of what we see but rather what we believe, and right now I believe that we are not far from the return of Christ. Back to the point; in my home we are fully aware that Dawn without a miraculous healing will be joining our Lord in Heaven much sooner than our flesh would like. As a result our lives are being lived much differently than they were before we were told of her illness. In the blink of an eye many of those things that were important have since become completely irrelevant. Why would that be you ask? If you are not asking why perhaps you should be, you see I am asking that question, I am actually daily asking myself why. If the signs are all around me that the return of Christ appears to be soon then why am I still allowing myself to be distracted to the point of living completely contrary to my belief. If life on earth is temporal and temporary, if our time on this earth truly is not even mathematicaly capable of being compared to time eternal then why do we expend so much time and effort on it. Why do we not only allow but also create distractions that cause fatuige, frustration, and pain all the while keeping ourselves from preparing for our eternal future which holds great promises of joy, peace, fellowship and so much more.
You see in my home these are some of the things that have become important to us: conversation, time, sharing memories, making memories, encouragement, love, expressions of compassion, holding hands, sitting in the same room together, prayer, reading the word, edification, and joy. These are some of the things that no longer matter: anything that interferes with what is important to us.
So now when I take the time to update you on how Dawn is doing please know this my friends, those things I have listed as important, to the best of our ability that is what we are doing and my prayer is that after her healing we will continue to do so. As for her health, this round of chemo went much better for her, she has regained her color more quickly and to a certain degree she really looks better than she has in weeks. She remains quite tired, yet much of that is form the meds. Please pray for her nausea to go away, for once it is gone two very powerful meds can be gone as well. Also please pray for myself, just today I had an unbelievable tooth and jaw ache start and I am on antibiotics and pain meds which are doing nothing to allieve the pain. It is no doubt an attack as I went up to Shasta Lake this week and worked on things and boom here come the afflictions! We are so appreciative of all of you and blessed beyond measure to have such a great group of friends supporting us, Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!

PS To those who call themselves progressive, educated, and view themselves as intellectuals I would say this: "if you have not read the Biblical account of the end times you need to". For anyone who is truly in search of wisdom reads and studies all available resources not just those that line up with thier particular point of view. I am confident that having done so you to would agree that the end of life as we understand it could be coming to an end, the question is are you open minded enough to admit that you may be wrong?

He has done great things

The effects of all of the stress our family has been exposed to over the past eight weeks has arrived to somewhat of a climax in recent days. The girls are obviously more emotional each expressing the stress in thier own way. I myself have had a number of sleepless nights, which of course has led to increased irritability. Dawn has even shown more signs of concern and urgency in maintaining a certain amount of control in the household and ministry duties that she once performed with great ease. Could it be that we are worn down from weeks of riding an emotional roller coaster, or possibly that we are not getting the rest we need, more than likely both and much more. One thing for certain each one of us in our own way are attempting somehow to maintain control of our lives in every aspect that it is possible to do so. It has become eceedingly obvious to me that when we cannot control the hopeful outcome of our existence the result is that we begin to become more controling of the things that lie within our control. Maybe a better way of putting it is to say that when our lives seem to be out of control we control every aspect that we can. No matter how you say it the end result is the same, handling extrem stress and fear both of which manifest in thier own way in each of us in often varying forms is difficult at best.
However tonight as I sit in the quiet and ponder these things oddly enough the overbearing thought in my mind is how much I truly do love the Lord! You see up until a little over 31 years ago I truly did not recognize what unconditional love looked like, even though there were those who loved me so. I am not sure why it was so impossible for me to see, yet I was truly blind to it. Even after Dawn and I met and fell in love it was impossible for me to receive, you see you cannot receive a gift you feel unworthy of possessing. It was not until we met Jesus and received His grace that we realized grace is getting what we do not deserve and that unconditional love is the manifestation of grace. His love brought us in because of His mercy (not getting what we do deserve) and became alive in us as a result of His grace, (getting what we did not deserve). Not by any action of our own mind you, but as a direct result of His love, His gift for to us at absolutely no cost!
As I sit and ponder the future it is the reality of that grace and mercy that give me unwavering hope of our eventual outcome in this trial. You see if the same God who gives us freely these gifts is the one who is in control of the circumstances we find ourselves in, then should we not expect to receive from Him those or even greater gifts as a reslut of faithfully serving Him. The answer; of course we should! A God who creates such wonderful gifts and blessings for us is not a God who is capable of abandoning us or leading us in to a trap that will harm us. No, He is however a God who always has our best interest at heart, one who never leaves nor forsakes us, a God of unconditional love!
Knowing these things to be true it is with great hope and resolve that I press on, reaching for the goal, the prize, as Paul so eloquently puts it in Hebrews, running the race not sitting in the stands, but pressing on toward the goal. If for no other reason than this, our "God is worthy to be praised for He has done great things"!
Amen

As I Ponder

Well it's 2 am and I have no desire to be awake, at this point I am confident that my family has no desire that I be on the short end of sleep as well. You see I don't do so well when I am in need of rest, I tend to get well, a little on the grumpy side. Not that I want too mind you, it just sort of happens, no excuses it's just a reality.
As I was sitting here this morning contemplating on things I had a rather random question come to mind, one I felt worthy of exploration. You see for as long as I can remember I have had a burning desire to be more than just an observer of the things of God. There has always been this insatiable desire to push everything to the limits often just in order to witness the greatness of God. As a result I have seen things that few people will ever see, experienced joy that many don't even know exists, and waded through trials that only fools (some would say) would desire. And I must admit that while there are regrets in my life there is not a single regret for pursuing God and pushing the very limits of His reality in my life. I can honestly say there is not a single lesson He has taught me, a miracle I have witnessed, or a tragedy I have faced that has done anything less than strengthen my resolve and faith in who He is my God. And that He is the God of the Bible , Elohim, I Am, the God of all creation. It may even be that in some twisted way my drive to test the things of God lies in a hidden desire to convince myself that He is real, if so it worked. Or it may be just a simple as the fact that I am a passionate person. However again I say no matter the reason the outcome remains the same, great faith has been built. As I ponder this thought this morning another question arises, "what do other people do?", I mean how do they live thier lives? Am I the only one who thinks like this and lives on the edge of this great chasim of chaos or are there really people out there who are content with contentment. Are there those who are truly ok with just knowing, those who have no need of experiencing Him, no need of taking themselves beyond thier abilities and into the realm of truly letting go and letting Him take over? I know of course that the answer is yes, as a matter of fact statistcaly speaking there are many more who approach God in that manner than there are those who approach Him as I do. I'm not saying that they are wrong mind you, I am simply stating a fact.
You see I too have the freedom to live in such a manner, the Lord would allow me. I however could never survive there, I have seen to much, been to many places and have witnessed far too many miraculous things of God to become complacent and lethargic in my faith. There are those whom God has chosen for whatever reason to be people of great faith, people who must continualy go through various trials in order to reach the place that God has chosen for them to be. To the untrained this may sound a bit arrogant, but trust me when I say that this walk is not one every person can or should desire. For in reality the one thing all men should desire is to love God for by doing so each of us will walk the path that He has chosen for us. Please don't aspire to walk as I walk, as your Pastor walk's, or your father or mother, or even your grandmother, follow the path that God has for you, and may you do so with all of the passion and desire that you are able to muster!
Tuesday the 20th is chemo day for Dawn, pray that she will have no nausea, that she will not need hospitalization, and that every cancer cell in her body will be destroyed today, In Jesus name! Amen!
You see I am ok with living on the edge, but when my family is suffering so, well it becomes easier to back away, oh don't worry I'm not going to, it was just a passing thought!
Gene

Catching Up

Well yes it has been a number of days since our last posting and for that I must as your forgiveness. The reality is that last week my mind hit a wall, it became as if there were no thoughts remaining or at the very least no way to access them. During this journey Dawn and I have been able to at the very least retain control of our minds, we have been able to communictae openly and rather easily our thoughts. However last week each of us came to a place of blankness. I hesitate to even say this because the statement creates so many negative ramnifications and births far too many possibilities of thought. That said this was not a place of desperation, depression or fear, no I beleive that it was simply a case of being completely overwhelmed by the buisiness of Illness. You see the one thing I never realized or thought of was how busy people with serious illness become. The Doctor and lab appointments seem to come daily, if you plan to work or intermingle another activity sure enough there will be the need for another test. Then there is the managing of the endless stream of invoices, E.O.B.'s (explanation of benefits), secondary insurance, primary insurance, disability insurance and so on. Please understand I am not complaining simply making a point. In reality we feel suprememly blessed to be so well cared for by so many people, and by the Leadership of LCC. I guess the bottom line is being sick makes you busy!
Dawn's mother has been an amazing help by cleaning the house, doing laundry, and so on once or twice a week. It has been I believe equaly satisfying for her, she is a very giving woman who does her best to feed and care for everyone she knows. And for all of you who have offered to help out that we have not called yet, don't worry I am confident your help will be needed, I have swallowed any pride I have had in that area, but for now please continue to pray. Today please pray for the Chemotherapy that Dawn will have on Tuesday to have no side effects, that it will destroy her tumors, and that she will not be nauseated. Also we would seek prayer for her liver; specificaly that it would heal and be reduced to it's normal size.
The Church in Shasta Lake is growing at a very healthy rate, many people are coming in from the local area in seek of a touch from the Lord, and prayerfully they are finding what they truly need for complete restoration! Last week we had around 80 adults in the Worship Center many of them new to the fellowship, please continue to pray for us. We really do desire to have Dawn be able to join us there as sson as possible as the women of the Church are ready for a Godly woman to lead them and I can think of none better than Dawn. Enough of this distraction it is time to get to work! We trust emphaticly that God is in control to beleive otherwise is to give the enmy far too much credit where it is not due. For thankfully satan has no power that God has not allowed him to have, for our God Reigns!!!!!

"Like a tree planted by the water"

Yesterday as I was spending some time with the Lord a friend sent me a text message that read something like this: "I don't feel like I'm bearing fruit right now". As I prayed about how to respond I was reminded by the Spirit about what it takes for a tree to bear fruit. I also realized that I too was feeling a little dormant, even though to some it would not appear to be so. You see it is all too often that what we feel is what we see as opposed to the reality of what is actualy taking place, but that would be another story. Back to what the Lord was reminding me of, you see there are certain things that must take place for a tree to bear good fruit. First of all a tree must be planted in good soil. Soil that has been prepared drains well, and has nutrients in it to support life. Secondly a tree must be cared for, planted in the prepared soil, tended to by someone who loves it and knows enough about its needs to nurture for it. The tree must then be pruned, the branches trimmed to balance it, open it up to the light, and remove all of the non fruit bearing branches that take away nutrients and yet give nothing in return. Lastly before a tree can bear fruit it must lie in dormancy, you see the roots need to grow down and outward in order to support the growth we later see and most of that growth takes place during the dormant time. In other words while we may not be seeing fruit growing or signs of life the most important growth is actually taking place. It is only when all of these things have taken place that a tree can actualy bear good fruit. It seems to me that without a little dormancy we could all outgrow our roots and soon topple.
Right now in our lives, particularly Dawn's we feel very much like a tree in the heart of winter. While in our case there is some obvious fruit, the growth that cannot be seen and yet it is taking place, growth that will last eternaly. It is the kind of growth that is required for a life of ministry to reach beyond the temporary, able to withstand the storms that will come against it. You see the roots of a ministry must extend beyond what is seen in order to truly support it. The roots must be deeper than the tree is tall and wider that the tree's foliage then it will remain strong, able to withstand the test of time.
Each of us must be like that tree, our roots will determine our strength, not what people see, but what they don't see that is truly what is important. I thank God that Dawn is woman of deep roots, one who strong enough in her faith to withstand the trials she is facing. "Like a tree planted by the water" she will not be moved! Amen.

A Mighty Woman of God

As our family and us have been going through this crazy adventure together there have been so many lessons learned that writing them all down would more than likely be impossible. As a matter of fact just hitting on the high points tends to be a bit more challenging than I thought for with so much going on picking a topic is somewhat like reaching into a grab bag. You just stick your hand in not really knowing what is there, grab something, and pull it out. One of the greatests concerns for me is that we would ever forget a single one of these lessons. After all if based simply upon the emotional cost these are extrememly valuable by every count. That in itself is truly one of the greatest of lessons to be remembered, that we never forget nor neglect the value of what we learn every day. that we seek to gain and retain a greater understanding of our God, our relationships, and so much more. The most important for me being the pursuit of God. You see by understanding Him and seeking to follow Him we become the very essence of who He desires us to be. And since there is no evil in God, and since our God is one of love and peace we too will be people without evil desires, people of joy, people of peace.
Does this attitude make sense to the world, absolutely not! You see to the world we appear to be foolish, weak, and almost sheepish, often seen as too meek and mild, allowing others to take advantage of us. Isn't it a little strange that the very essence of love and compassion, the utter lack of selfishness can be seen as a weakness? Don't get me wrong there is a place where love has nothing to do with being railroaded, however always looking at the larger picture is of far more benefit than loss.
Dawn and I have accepted the fact that we are in this trial for a reason much larger than we are, and hence we face a choice: go through it angry and bitter, or accept it for what it is and seek to grow and learn from it. Yes we have without hesitation or reservation chosen the latter. You see to do otherwise would be contrary to all we are and what we have espoused to be for over thirty years, hence the simplicity of the decision. Yet again nothing could be more contrary in the eyes of the world, the world (our flesh) you see wants to blame someone, it says if I am in pain others must be in pain as well. If I am hurting others must hurt, if I am angry someone must hear it, if I feel that I have been taken advantage of then I must seek retribution, if you have done me wrong I must seek revenge, and so on. The flesh seeks to be known, either good or bad it just desires to be known, however for people of God we would rather not be known than to be known contrary to Him.
The nurses of the oncology ward at Mercy were somewhat sad to see Dawn leave yesterday. You see she had made an impact on them, she had touched them, in a good way. Because of Dawn's attitude and joy in the midst of such a great trial she was able to share her entire story with one of the nurses, who of course left in tears. She was touched, blessed by a woman she didn't know, impacted eternaly by the peace from within Dawn. Another nurse voted her the worlds best patient, a rather dubious award without fanfare or fame, at least none that we could see. Yet somehow I believe that it pleased the Lord, that Dawn's actions, her response in the face of such chaos, pain, and hopelessness, made a difference in these lives. You see this is why there are so many praying for this lovely woman, because she has made a difference, and not by yelling or crying out to get her way or to be in comfort at the expense of others. No because she has always esteemed others higher than herself, because love is not just a word it is an action, a lifestyle, it is who she is, a Mighty Woman of God on that I am sure you will agree.
Dawn is home and resting, good moments are followed by those not so good, however she does look as beautiful as ever!
Gene

"No place for peace (the hospital)"

I spent most of the late morning and afternoon with Dawn at the hospital, our time spent asking questions of Drs. and Nurses. Dawn eased in and out of sleep while I listened and remembered. The noises I heard bore much resemblence to turmoil, pain, frustration, and torment, than those of healing. There was no joy to be heard, no peace could be found. One conclusion that could be easily arrived at, in the oncology ward of a hospital is that it is a place of little hope. The sounds of people enduring pain without hope is one that cannot be described appropriately in the written word. The only solace many of these folks have appear to find is one of inflicting thier pain on others, as if somehow it brings them a twisted sort of peace. They tend to yell over thier dislpleasure at the very people who are doing all they can to assist them, or to take out thier frustrations and fears on family and friends. The sound of hopelessness enjoys being heard as well, as if it gains power by raising the decibals in it's expression. Between experiencing this, studying the word, and fasting I truly do have a greater understanding of this hopelessness that we hear expressed so loudly. I truly understand that this is the manifestation of the pure and utter hopelessness of our flesh. The flesh is crying out so vehemetly because it knows it's time is short. No longer is the flesh in control, it is rather being consumed (in most cases) by the results of the very lifestyle it has sought for it's own pleasure and gratification. The flesh seeks it's own, it seeks to fulfill it's desires, read Galatians five and understand the fruit of the spirit, things like, drunkeness, immorality, lewdness, anger, and so on. And now at the end of it's existence the flesh is crying out in agony becuase it is often reaping what it has sown,certainly not in all cases mind you, Dawn's being one of them, more about that in a moment. Seeing this truth has allowed me to also gain a greater compassion and understanding for those who are suffering in the flesh without the comfort and the peace of knowing Christ. It has also given me a boldness, a sense of urgency to help them be releived of this hopelessness and torment. Yes I am speaking in the spiritual sense, for I do believe that a spiritual healing is far more important than one in the flesh, unless of course a fleshly healing leads to spiritual deliverance, as did every one of Jesus healings, except for Lazarus case who we presume was a believer. Now while I'm here let us not forget that Lazarus was raised from the dead not healed on earth his flesh had already been completely defeated!
The point being that the flesh cries out for satisfaction from every corner in life, then when faced with eternity it cries out for a worldly deliverance from the consequences of it's actions. Note it does not cry out for a spiritual deliverance for that would bring certain death, it only seeks a fleshly deliverance, more life, more pleasure!
The struggle for someone like Dawn is more of why? Why does this person who has served God for so many decades, and lived a quite pure life prior to that been stricken with such a horrible and fleshly disease? The answer obviously lies with one far greater and with far more understanding than we. I personaly do not know, I seek to know, I petition Him for answers as do many of you, and yet we do not know. What we do know however is this; that Jesus paid the price, that we are not hopeless, and that there is no torment in our hearts, only the pain of what we see, a loved one in pain, only the grief of what we know, that without a miracle we will have a shortened time of fellowship on this earth. Our will we, who has numbered your days, do you have the guarantee of tomorrow?
Now if I may let me ask one more question: "how about you?" Do you undertsand these things, are you able to have a peace that passes all understanding? If not I implore you to seek out the truth for yourself, I have dedicated most of my life to seeking the truth, thirty years ago I found it, and every day as I seek, it is proven to still be so.
Dawn will be in the hospital a few more days, they plan to keep her there until her fever subsides and they have her infection under control. It is extremely possible that her fever is the result of the tumors being dissolved, and that is our prayer. Her immune system will continue to weaken for four more days and then begin to build, however a few days later it will be destroyed again. Therefore anyone who has any sign of illness or who is around small children must not have close contact with her at this time. Keep praying and once she is healed we are having a hugging party and a celebration of new life, and you are all invited!!!!!!!!!

Waging War

This morning I was reading in Acts chapter five, as the disiples are being persecuted the one consistent note was they they continued to preach Jesus! They weren't whining and complaining about being thrown in jail, but rather rejoicing that an angel had released them to go preach more. Once they were beaten they didn't run into hiding and nurse thier wounds, no they went back to preaching! Honestly this morning I find myslef with the desire, yet the fire has become coals and embers, my body is screaming how tired it is, my mind wants to shut down, yet my family needs me to be strong. Then I return to the Apostles and I think what's wrong with me I can do this, I can preach the Gopsel, see blind men restored, and lame walk! You see no matter how tired I become in my flesh I know that God is desiring to use all of this for His glory, otherwise Dawn would not be afflicted, and that keeps me going. Just thinking about it and writing about it causes a wind to blow across the embers, and fire to be re-kindled, yes my flesh is dead, but my spirit is alive! And if there is one thing I have learned through all of this it is that we cannot allow our flesh to dictate our actions, our flesh seeks to be satisfied, it is selfish, hungry, and far from God! Our spirit on the other hand seeks to be restored, our spirit has been sperated from it's creator by sin and every spirit is seeking to be restored to it's creator, WOW! Have you ever thought about that, that when Adam and Eve fell there became a seperation of the sprits ability to commune with it's creator and that seperation was the flesh, no wonder there is a constant battle, no wonder so many are lost, no wonder so many peoploe are seeking in so many of the wrong places for thier spirit to find peace. The problem is that nothing found pursuing the satisfaction, or gratification of the flesh will bring reunion for the spirit and it's creator. The flesh is so selfish it's only desire is to be satisfied, and it will use every means possible to do so, drugs, fantasy, illusion, food, and so much more. And the very moment that our spirit begins to rise up and progress toward reunion with it's maker the flesh responds and cries out, after all the ultimate reunion results in the death of the flesh therefore it's fight is for it's very survival! It is almost as if everything I do to satisfy my flesh causes my spirit to suffer and visa versa, come on folks this is life transforming stuff, this is the stuff that causes the enemy to scream in agony, this is not the message he wants put out there, which makes it so much more important that we do! I for one refuse to allow the flesh to dictate my actions any more, I am purposing in my heart and in my life to win this battle on a daily basis, please join me in this war, for our enemy seeks all he can to prevent this understanding to come upon the masses.
I do think it is rather ironic that the very attack satan has waged upon my family is now one of the the greatest tools that has ever been used to help us understand our God and in turn defeat the devil!!!
As for Dawn she is resting very quietly in the hospital, she needs the rest to fight off the infection the source of which they still have not located. This infection really is the key to her physical healing at this point. This is something that I believe has been an issue since she was first diagnosed and yet it has been overlooked for far to long! Thank you for your continued prayers and please remember the girls they are truly struggling with the possibility of mom being gone and they are in pain of course. Knowing where someone is going doesn't change the fact that short of the miraculous she will not be here to love and be love on, that's a big hole!

The never ending saga

I don't know what it is about me that causes, allows, or encourages so many strange circumstances to befall my family and I. If I wasn't living it, I am not confident that I would even believe it were possible for so many strange events to happen to one family. So here are some of the strange things that have happened in the last three days, read them and see if you agree with me. On Monday I call the cancer center to arrange for Dawn's labs to be drawn, no answer so I leave a message. Not wanting to leave things to chance I call the infusion center to make sure labs need to be done, and yes they confirm we need labs before chemotherapy can begin. Two hours after my first call I try another person at the cancer center, again she is not available so again I leave a message. Having done all I believe that I can do I wait and at 5:15pm we receive a call, sorry we didn't call you back our phone system crashed and we are just now retrieving messages. Question: do we need labs, answer: no the doctor has taken care of it with the infusion center, sounds fishy but too late to do anything about it. Ten
o' clock we arrive at the infusion center; where are your labs? I told them the entire story and a laugh ensued, followed by; "don't worry we will fix you up", and let me tell you she did. Within an hour we had completed labs that showed Dawn needed extra meds along with her chemo, two hours worth. Hence what should have lasted 3 hours became an eight hour event, (kudo's to the two Mary's at Owens Infusion Center). Before we left that night one of the two Mary's (two nurses named Mary cared for us), encouraged us that if we had any problems feel free to call at any time, little did I know how important that would be.
At around 4am Dawn begins to shake and shiver obviously having some sort of reaction to the treatments she had received. After caring for her for a few hours it was obvious now that she had a fever, a red flag, this was serious and all of my instructions were to treat it as such. My instructions were in this case to call the triage nurse who would make the neccesary arraingements to receive immedeate care. So I did so and of course she was not available, and yes you guessed it I left a message. After caring for Dawn for another hour with no phone call I tried again, and again no answer, and no I did not leave a message, I had another plan. You got it, I called one of the Mary's! Her words were give me five minutes and I will call you back with an answer, well it was closer to four minutes when she called back and yes she had an answer: "your Doctor wants to see Dawn right now! Rather than bore you with more details let us skip to the part where Dawn's cancer Dr. sends us to a local hospital for immediate admission and testing. As we checked in we were informed that her room was not ready and that we would have a short wait in the Chemo waiting room while her room was being cleaned. Now I must interject that Dawn is very ill and has had none of her meds and they are all due to be taken, neither has she had lunch or any other care. The three of us enter a small room with a televison blaring designed for no more than five people, however there are already five in the room and there are three of us, one of who is slumped over in a wheel chair in intense pain with a 101 plus fever. Well the short wait ended up being over five hours long! Oh don't get me wrong there were high points of the wait, the best one being when an RN and a Lab tech come to take blood from Dawn's port. "Now it is not proper for us to take blood in a public place" sounded the RN and after looking around for a few moments she decided it would be best to take Dawn's blood in the small adjacent rest room! Somehow I just don't see the rest room as a dignified, or sanitary place for someone's blood to be drawn, creative yes, sanitary no!
Yes I can honestly say that all of the things I have mentioned and much more really have happened over the past three days, and even though I was personaly there and can testify to the reality of it all I still find it hard to believe! The fact is that I am truly beginning to understand what the Lord meant when He said "My grace is sufficient for thee", for without His strength and His grace we would never survive such pandemonium. To lean not on our only understanding truly does require that we look far beyond what is going on around us, but rather to realize who is causing our trials, our enemy. We must learn to draw from the Lord, to look past the circumstances, and "let your light so shine that they may see your goodworks and glorify your Father in Heaven" no matter how difficult it may seem. After all is God in control or not, remember circumstances do not dictate who is in control, but your actions do!

Chemo Day and more

Well Yesterday Tuesday Jan 4th Dawn had her first chemo treatment at Ownens healthcare infusion center. What an amazing group of people, they were extremely helpful, compassionate, and accomodating, very professional team and I can honestly say "thank you Jesus". As I have mentioned on occasion the care we have received to this point has been a little on the frustrating side and definitely less than professional in it's approach. However that being said it was the holiday season and there was much upheaval taking place in the local cancer care community.
As for the actual treatment Dawn seems to have handled it well, many changes in her body during the night, chills, pain, etc. but over all I believe she is doing as well or better than expected. In one week she will have a very important and difinitive blood test that will inform us as to how her body is reacting to the treatment. As for the rest of the family we would appreciate your prayers for the girls in particular, the reality of the possibility of losing mom is hitting home as they see her going through so much pain. The girls have so much faith and they are all three confident in where mom will go if she passess, yet no matter how much faith you have losing your mom at such an early age (or any other age) is so and painful. Today I am setting up some times for folks to meet with the Natalie and Michaela and help them through what they are feeling. Last night as the three of us talked about what we were going through they both agreed that they would like some outside and individual help.
Well that is the update for today I pray that this is as helpful for all of you to read as it is for me to write, good therapy!
As for me, I continue to be Dad, caregiver, and Pastor of Shasta Lake and right now there is not a whole lot else left but I am ok.
Bless you all
Gene

Hope in this world

Wow what a wierd feeling I'm having today, we are headed off so Dawn can receive chemotherapy. The goal is not to cure the cancer (there is no cure), but rather to reduce the size of the tumors and inhibit the growth and spread of the cancer. The best you can hope for is not to be too sick, to be able to continue to function, and maybe even feel better after a week or so, kind of odd isn't it? I mean you pay about $5000 per week in order to suffer less, (maybe) and put poison in your body, tell me this is not messed up. Yeah here I go again, the farther down this road we go the more hopeless I see the world truly is. With starving people all over the world, and food being wasted in gross proportions in other areas we have no solution. With dictators, warlords, and politicians in this world who seek out of thier own sense of power to destroy, oppress, and control others we have no answer. With people strapping bombs to themselves in order to attain a higher standing in the demonic realm by killing the innocent, we have no solutions. In a world where drug Lords get rich by preying on the weaknesses of others, connecting them by whatever means to a dependency on something that offers no real solution, only numbness and the destruction of thier bodies, at all cost, yet we have no answer. In a world where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer simply because they can, we have no solution. In a world where it is no longer acceptable to believe in what is right and good, where standing up against these things is considered being judgemental, yet still there are no answers. In a land where it is illegal to pray and mandated that an unproveable theory be taught as truth, yet this truth has yet to provide any answers and no solutions. With trillions of dollars being spent worldwide on medical research each year there are still far more questions than answers.
There is in fact only one reality to these and so many more issues facing mankind, we do not have the answers, no matter how hard we try, how much money we spend, or how hard we try to convince ourselves and others, we as mankind are largely powerless, hopeless, and without answers.
In reality the only true answer for mankind is in the belief that we were created in the image of God, that He has a plan for us, and that this life truly is temperal, that there is a God that we can all place our hope in. After all, it is quite onvious isn't it that there is nothing in this world we can place our hope in!

So Many Questions

I wonder what it is like to have cancer? Not just any cancer, what would it be like to have something growing inside of you, destroying you something that you cannot control. Something that is there not because of anything you did, but rather because of who you are. How is it that something so hideous can take up residence in someone so beautiful, innocent, generous, and wise. How can such a hideous thing thrive in one who does not smoke, drink, or does nothing else to excess except to love, isn't there always something or someone to blame? How can this be? So many questions, yet no answers, at least none that satisfy the insatiable urge to know, why?
There truly are no answers you see, just questions, why, when, if, and more, but still no answers. My heart aches to see Dawn struggling with these questions, as a man I like having all of the answers, yet I have none to give. Oh yes I can answer the questions of faith, provide the scriptures of promise, and yes I can even write words that instill hope, but no answers. Is this the cry of a desperate man? Absolutely not, desperation cannot take hold, nor can doubt, again I say I do have the answer to the final question, yes I do know the destination, it is the process that puzzles me. But you see I am not the one with cancer, I cannot know what Dawn is truly going through, I can only surmise along with everyone else.
Therefore if the eternal destination is not in doubt and there are no questions regarding the eternal future what do any of us have to offer? This one I can answer: encouragement, love, testimony, support, and whatever the one who is suffering has need of. What we cannot do is to assume to know what the need is for we have no way of knowing unless we are told.
Dawn and I have never been through anything even close to this before, hence we know that we will both error on our way down this path. For Dawn, even the thought of being concerned with what her needs are above those of others is a completely foriegn concept, which in itself adds to her burden. She is now a mother and a wife who cannot care for her children or her husband, no longer able to prepare meals or even eat them let alone the hundreds of things she has always done for those in her family and her Church. This Proverbs 31 woman has been stripped of her ability to do all that she knows to do.
Yes there are many questions, and yes many of you have them as well: How can we help? Can we see her? How is he doing? Can we clean the house, or do her hair, or ?????????????? Yes we all have many questions and as I have pointed out there are few answers. What you can do as mundane as it sounds is pray and be patient, use this as a chance to draw closer to God, and opportunity to share His hope with others who do not know Him.
Please know this, there is not a day that goes by that Dawn does not mention people she would like to see, and I dare say that most if not all of you reading this are on that list. Our prayer is that she will be able to see you all, completely healed and delivered from this sickness, however we must admit until then we can promise little or nothing as much as we would like too. On Tuesday Dawn will begin chemotherapy treatments, and once those begin there will be far more questions and challenges added to our list. therefore please be patient and pray because once she begins chemo we must do all we can to avoid her being exposed to sickness or illnesses of any kind.
We love you all so much and one of the greatest trials we are facing is not being able to continue to serve our friends and family as we have in the past. Thank you so much for all that you have done, for the meals that Joan Ewert has been coordinating, for Rick and his children who raked so many leaves, for the rides for our children and so much more but especialy the prayers and notes. Yes we feel very blessed and priveledged, and prayerfully there will come a day soon where we can once again be joined together in a grand celebration of the healing of Dawn, and no I'm not talking about a memorial service. For I promise you that upon her healing there will be a service of praise and worship like has never been held in Redding Ca, because I for one will not be able to maintain my joy as I am confident nor will you !!!

What lies ahead?

In Matthew chapter four Jesus is led into the wilderness by the Spirit, (by God) and there He fasts for fourty days. As the story goes once Jesus was at His weakest the enemy (satan) shows up to tempt Him. The goal of satan was to get Jesus to turn His back on God in order that His flesh would be satisfied. This morning when I woke up the Lord reminded me of this passage, and how Jesus ministry truly did not begin until He had triumped over His flesh and denied it completely. I was instantly shown a paralell between this incident and where we are today, you see there is not one single cell in my body that does not desire Dawn's complete and utter healing. Yet there is with equal passion not a single cell in my body that does not believe that we are exactly where we are supposed to be, going through what we are going through completely encased in the very hands that created the heavens, the earth, and all that is or ever will be! And since such is the case there is nothing that can or would cause me to jeopordize being released by those hands.
This passage in Matthew should cause every person in ministry to tremble with the anticipation of both the pain that comes before the fullness of ministry and the incredible joy that one finds in fulfilling thier ministry.
If this is our greatest trial (and so far it is), then possibly the greatest phase of our ministry is yet to come. Now I have to tell you (or maybe I don't) that up until now Dawn and I have been involved in some amazing ministry and if the fullness of it is now just beginning then what lies ahead is completely beyond my imagination!
I had a vision for someone today that I believe accentuates our journey even more so, therefore I have personalized it for us: I was holding on to a very large balloon, so large that it was capable of lifting Dawn and I off of the ground, however we had to decide whether we were to grab hold of it or not, yet we had no choice but to do so. As we rose above all we had known we faced a miriad of emotion, do we let go before we get any higher , do we chance the fall and healing from the ensuing wounds? Do we hold on tighter to see where this ride would take us? Once again the decision was no longer ours, we were far to high to let go, and all that was familiar had long since faded from sight, suddenly there was no more fear only anticipation, the wondering of where the journey would lead. No longer were we hanging on now we were in a gondola and our children had joined us, together we strained for a view, a glimpse of what lie ahead. So now we travel on, straining to see the future and knowing that wherever we land it will be a new adventure and that our God will be with us showing us the way!

Ouch this hurts!

Today has become one of those days that you don't really enjoy much, the fact that it is my brithday has not really entered into my thinking, I guess after 40 it doesn't really matter anymore. The reality is that today I have been reminded by the stark reality that my wife is suffering, heavy emphasis on the word suffering from a terrible diease. Most days in the last month have been largely physical pain and symptom free, the bulk of the pain until now has been emotional. With emotional pain you are able to escape in one way or another, you can direct your pain to someone or something, you can lean on your faith, or you can just cry, all of which bring some form of relief from it. But on days like this when the physical pain begins to manifest, somehow it strikes to the very marrow of your joints, it reminds you that there will be suffering that cannot be controlled, avoided, or ignored. You see no matter where you go for comfort you cannot find it, for it is in you, with you, always, constantly intensifying as if to punish you for being alive. It is as if pain in itself were an entity capable of recognizing your will to be free from it, yet by allowing that freedom the pain would somehow itself die, therefore it must rage on for it's own existence. When you witness this pain attacking someone you love, someone of whom you are a part of, anger quickly enters in, and frustration follows as you realize there is nothing you can physically do to make it better for the one you love. When truly all you desire to do is to be able to take on the pain yourself in order that they might be at peace.
Somehow this has allowed me in a very small way to understand the reason for, and the intesity of the suffering of Jesus in a way which I have never been capable of before. You see He saw the intensity, and anger of pain, He saw how the enemy of our souls desires nothing less than this same intense destructive and debilatating pain for all mankind. After all the pain of others is the only comfort to pain that satan feels. Satan has no desire to take your pain, he only desires that we suffer more. Then on the other side we see Jesus who knowing the intensity of that pain took it all on willingly. After all I and many others of you would willingly take on Dawn's sickness unto death out of our love for her, so why then can we who would do so not understand why Jesus would desire and do so for us!He accepted the consequence of that intense hatred that satan bears and bore it all, unto death, in order that we would not have to. Now I know that there are many who do not understand or believe these things, and they don't have to, but I will say this, I don't know how Dawn, Myself, or Children and our Grandchildren would do without this belief, because without it, this is how it all ends, in pain and in suffering!
I have always taken great pride in being a man of optimism, someone who sees the jar half full and as hard as it may seem I can honestly say nothing has changed. Is there a particular person or group of people who I am thinking of as I write, absolutely not, you see I know that this is a spiritual battle so much of what I say in all my writings is directed to that realm, so please do not assume I speak of anyone. You see I believe that what we are seeing in the flesh in nothing more than the manifestation of the battle taking place in the heavenlies, therefore it is not any particular individual or groups of people who are an issue, it is rather something we do not even see or truly understand. And that my friends is my truth, Love you all so much!
Gene