In August of 2009 the Lord began drawing me in to a time of transformation like none I could have ever imagined, one that would transform me and all of those around me for a lifetime. Mind you this was not an event that would soon take place and much like a good Church service or camp transform you until reality crept back in. No, this was a literal transformation of mind, body, and spirit triggered first by a call and secondly by a catastrophic event. You see first the Lord prepared my heart and mind to receive change, then the change came, this process allowed me to not be so impacted by the events to follow that I could not appreciate and accept from whence they came. The call was to leave our Church of thirty plus years where I had served for over twenty nine years and take a struggling and trying work in a nearby town. The second much more catastrophic event being the diagnosis of my wife with late stage terminal cancer and her subsequent death just six short months later. The ensuing transformation has been one of unexplainable pain and emotion, needless to say exhausting. This transformation however was needed and has come to be appreciated by this Pastor as one worth every moment of suffering, anguish, doubt, fear, and loss. Prior to this I was constantly searching for what the Lord had for me, so much so that when it was right in front of me I couldn’t recognize it! My life was filled with dreams that rarely came true, unrealistic aspirations, and distractions that were allowed to keep me form intimacy with God, my wife, my family, and anyone else with whom I had contact. Oh yes I was committed to service, yes I loved the Lord, and yes I was faithful, however there is so much more that He desires for us.
In the ensuing months I have truly learned what it means to be intimate with God, to trust Him for everything, to be unable to function without Him. He has shown me what it means what it truly means for Him to be my all in all,. Nights without sleep, days without rest, months without companionship all have led to a transformation of heart, mind, and spirit, that will prevent the old man from ever resurfacing again. For so many years my spouse, my family, and friends would attempt in every way to show and convince me of God’s love for me, how I needed not do anything to earn it, but rather just bask in and receive it. Yet only the Lord my God could change the heart and mind of a man formed and shaped by the harshness of this world. Only the one true God could cause this transformation, and knowing the cost He saw it was best for me, my family, and so many more! Have I arrived to a place of eternal bliss and understanding so grand that I may never fail again? No I have only arrived at this destination, at this place and time and each day begins a new, each day I await His direction for me.
Regrets you ask? I have many. The should have, could have demon is alive and well at times in all of our lives, but we must remember the past is not our home, we live for the moment. Each moment of our existence upon this earth may be our last, hence we should act and live as such. To say I have regrets is to say that I do not believe in the divine power of God, it is to say that I have chosen not only my destiny but that of others as well. This is not a responsibility or a burden I will choose to bear or accept, for you see it is He who determines our time upon this earth, our destiny, our entire being, and He alone. The only part we play in this role is truly how much we will learn, obey, grow, effect others, and enjoy the adventure.
Yes my life has changed I am more in love now than ever, with my God, my children, grandchildren, people, ministry, and more. Yes I have again found love, a deeper than imaginable love, a love for my God that has transformed who I am, a love worth dying for. No longer do I wander seeking to find my way, but rather now I wonder at who He is and why He loves me so. How can such love come form such great tragedy you ask? I ask how can anything but love come forth when you see the God of all creation active and alive in your life, doing all He can to bring you to a place of wholeness and completeness in Him.
From this day forward I will begin to write about the new chapter in my life, I will no longer look at life through glasses filtered with “Life After Loss” because what I have lost is not lost at all. Dawn is with the Lord in heaven, the one thing we all aspire for she has received, she is complete therefore she has been found. All I have lost is her earthly companionship, nothing else has gone away the rest remains permanently etched into my very being. What I have gained is new life, comfort with God, a deep relationship with my children, and a greater understanding and drive for God’s will for me, I have gained the true meaning of intimacy.
Having experienced the tragedy, the pain, the fear, and so much more, so much more than mere words could ever describe, I end with these words: “it was worth the pain, and I would never go back, the future is to bright and today is a new day”
Merry Christmas to all of you and thank you so much for your love and support through this most trying time of my life.
Gene Burroughs
Servant
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