He is God in my grief

He is God even in my grief

I have decided today to begin to write about grief in a way that I have never before heard of, read, or known, from the honest perspective of one who has found himself for the fifth time in this life grieving the loss of a loved one. Maybe by doing so I can help both those who are grieving and those who just don’t know what to say to those of us who are. Oh and of course there is the third option, to those of you who think you know what to say but actually don’t. I truly don’t mean to be offensive but yes some of you truly do not know the correct way to support those suffering from grief, so maybe this will help.
It has become ever so clear to me of late that there are truly no words capable of describing the loss of one’s wife and possibly any close relative at such an early age. For every word I have written explaining how I feel there are ten I cannot write. The inability to locate words that can definitively express how one feels at such a time is all too real, it just cannot be done. How do you explain the feelings of emptiness, the habits that have been instantly broken, or the dreams that seemed so real and obtainable for your future that now have no meaning at all? How do you stop asking her questions when your cooking a meal, how do you stop waiting with the car running forgetting that she is not coming? How do you stop asking her about her day, or stop unloading on her about yours. How is it that you stop reaching for her in the night only to once again find an empty bed? How do you answer these same questions and more for your children and grandchildren, does anyone know? Before you answer can I tell you a secret; those who have been through it know the answer and they agree there is none. And those who attempt to answer have not been through this and in their futile effort to comfort, their attempts to explain it simply give them away as one’s who have never traveled this road or at least not for quite some time. Why do I bring this up, why have I chosen to write about such a depressing truth? Because the truth is no we are not ok, no we have not been able to move on, and the more honest we can be about that the better people can understand our actions, moods, and reactions. The slightest of things can cause us to once again relive the pain and realize that Dawn is not coming back, a sound, a smell, a song, or any one of hundreds of seemingly obscure and otherwise unnoticeable things. What is it you feel you ask? You feel the truth, you feel the raw emotion of her loss, suddenly anything you have forgotten or placed aside has been brought to you face to face and the pain comes upon you without warning, or compassion with one goal, to inflict pain.
The other day I was preparing dinner for the children and our guests, I find preparing a meal for others to be very rewarding and I take pride in customizing each meal to the needs and desires of everyone partaking. As I was preparing to add the garlic I looked up and as if Dawn was standing there I said; “I’ll go light on it honey I know that you don’t like too much garlic”. As soon as I spoke these words hope sprang into my heart, you see in that moment, for that second, it was only a nightmare, after all she must be there, I had spoken to her. Looking up again from my work I hoped with all that was within me that she would be standing next to me, but no she wasn’t, and once again I was reminded of the loss, the hurt, the pain! You see I know Dawn is gone, I know that this is not a nightmare, I know that nothing will bring her back, but my hope for the pain to end, is much stronger than the reality of her passing. As I stood there in anguish reliving the pain tears streaming from my face I sought comfort from the only real place I can find it these days, from the Lord! Oh God I cried out, you have brought me to this place, you are a God who is faithful, You are true, and You are just, and I know You love me, oh God give me the strength to survive this trial and thrive in Your glory, for I am nothing without You and without You I will cease to try! You see God truly is the only one who can bring true comfort to those who are grieving, He is the only true hope we have. People can say all of the right words, they can bring you meals, clean your home, and give financially, and all of those things are very important and comforting, we need them, they help in the healing process. But the comfort we need most is the comfort that some day we will be re-joined with our love ones, that some day we too will be changed in a moment and join them there with Christ. If He is God then I have hope, If He is not than all is lost, but this I know, That He is God, Amen.
Gene Burroughs
Servant of God