Just When You Think Its Over

Just when you think its over

Have you ever noticed that just about the time you feel like your making progress in a certain area of struggle, that at that moment in the time you say you have conquered it, you fall again? This is very much what I find going on in my life in regards to Dawn’s move to heaven. It seems that just about the time I get over the pain in a particular area, or at least learn how to cope with it, there is a sudden painful reminder of some form that shocks the reality of loss back to the forefront of my mind. There have been days where I find myself in the car waiting as I did so often for her to come join me. Recently while cooking I said, “oh better go light on the garlic almost forgot you don’t like it” only to look up and remember again she’s not here. I find myself waiting to sign report cards and progress reports because she has not seen them yet. Then of course there what to get her for Christmas she is so hard to buy for, and then the really difficult one, wondering how we will celebrate our anniversary, of 32 years December 9th. The greatest struggle with events like these is not the remembering of them but the struggle of reminding myself that these things are while not forgotten, things I will never do again (some gratefully so). Just this week a new struggle began for me, each night as I lay down to sleep my mind has been filled with far too graphic memories of the moments of her last breaths. There is nothing pleasant about seeing a loved one move on, nothing at all pleasant, simply a peace. Yet this week I have not felt that peace, only the horror of those final moments, moments I pray I will never see again.
As I was struggling with sickness these past weeks I thought of how I cared for her the last six months of her life. How much I enjoyed it, and how much she appreciated it, how close it drew us, and yet in my recent sickness that same closeness was not to be found. Oh there was plenty of soup, and friends, and offers for help, but not from her, she was not here. You see so often these days I retreat not because there are not offers of help, but no because no amount of help will fill my need, a need that I must learn to overcome, and do without. Please don’t feel sorry for me, I am learning that there are sufficient memories to fill the void, all I need do is look beyond my pity, look beyond my pain, and take myself back to those times of past. I must remind myself of the times she would care for me, the times she would hold my hand and pray, the touch.
I know that this writing has truly been a downer and I wouldn’t blame anyone if they stopped reading, it was very difficult to write. However I must make one thing clear today, the Lord remains my strength! In all of these moments and so many more He has been there, sometimes beside me, sometimes behind me, sometimes holding me up, but always before me, preparing the way. God did not punish me or anyone else by taking Dawn home, no He blessed her, and in turn desires to bless us. And just as what I have written today is the reality of my struggle, the even greater reality of who He is in my life is far more important. I believe with all my heart the words Paul wrote in Romans, “The sufferings of this day are not worthy to be compared to the glory to come.”
I also think back to the struggles that I and so many others have experienced in our lives with drugs, alcohol, or some other addiction (for me 30 yrs ago). How just when you think the struggle is over, just when you think the battle is done, the memories of the pleasure begin to return, and somehow we forget the pain that accompanied it. Then as is the case all to often, (unlike we are able to do in the passing of a loved one) we return to those same old things and we fail again, only this time we fall deeper. See you thought this was about my struggle, no for some of you its about yours. You see I will never be over the pain of Dawn’s passing it will remain with me until my dying day to some degree, and nothing I can do will change that. However the pain of wrong choices, the choosing to return to old habits these are under my control, and I choose to keep them at bay and remember the battle is never over, but the outcome is in my hands, just as it is in yours.
Gene Burroughs