Just When You Think Its Over

Just when you think its over

Have you ever noticed that just about the time you feel like your making progress in a certain area of struggle, that at that moment in the time you say you have conquered it, you fall again? This is very much what I find going on in my life in regards to Dawn’s move to heaven. It seems that just about the time I get over the pain in a particular area, or at least learn how to cope with it, there is a sudden painful reminder of some form that shocks the reality of loss back to the forefront of my mind. There have been days where I find myself in the car waiting as I did so often for her to come join me. Recently while cooking I said, “oh better go light on the garlic almost forgot you don’t like it” only to look up and remember again she’s not here. I find myself waiting to sign report cards and progress reports because she has not seen them yet. Then of course there what to get her for Christmas she is so hard to buy for, and then the really difficult one, wondering how we will celebrate our anniversary, of 32 years December 9th. The greatest struggle with events like these is not the remembering of them but the struggle of reminding myself that these things are while not forgotten, things I will never do again (some gratefully so). Just this week a new struggle began for me, each night as I lay down to sleep my mind has been filled with far too graphic memories of the moments of her last breaths. There is nothing pleasant about seeing a loved one move on, nothing at all pleasant, simply a peace. Yet this week I have not felt that peace, only the horror of those final moments, moments I pray I will never see again.
As I was struggling with sickness these past weeks I thought of how I cared for her the last six months of her life. How much I enjoyed it, and how much she appreciated it, how close it drew us, and yet in my recent sickness that same closeness was not to be found. Oh there was plenty of soup, and friends, and offers for help, but not from her, she was not here. You see so often these days I retreat not because there are not offers of help, but no because no amount of help will fill my need, a need that I must learn to overcome, and do without. Please don’t feel sorry for me, I am learning that there are sufficient memories to fill the void, all I need do is look beyond my pity, look beyond my pain, and take myself back to those times of past. I must remind myself of the times she would care for me, the times she would hold my hand and pray, the touch.
I know that this writing has truly been a downer and I wouldn’t blame anyone if they stopped reading, it was very difficult to write. However I must make one thing clear today, the Lord remains my strength! In all of these moments and so many more He has been there, sometimes beside me, sometimes behind me, sometimes holding me up, but always before me, preparing the way. God did not punish me or anyone else by taking Dawn home, no He blessed her, and in turn desires to bless us. And just as what I have written today is the reality of my struggle, the even greater reality of who He is in my life is far more important. I believe with all my heart the words Paul wrote in Romans, “The sufferings of this day are not worthy to be compared to the glory to come.”
I also think back to the struggles that I and so many others have experienced in our lives with drugs, alcohol, or some other addiction (for me 30 yrs ago). How just when you think the struggle is over, just when you think the battle is done, the memories of the pleasure begin to return, and somehow we forget the pain that accompanied it. Then as is the case all to often, (unlike we are able to do in the passing of a loved one) we return to those same old things and we fail again, only this time we fall deeper. See you thought this was about my struggle, no for some of you its about yours. You see I will never be over the pain of Dawn’s passing it will remain with me until my dying day to some degree, and nothing I can do will change that. However the pain of wrong choices, the choosing to return to old habits these are under my control, and I choose to keep them at bay and remember the battle is never over, but the outcome is in my hands, just as it is in yours.
Gene Burroughs

The Battle Rages On

I awoke this morning reflecting on a series of events that have taken place over of the past few weeks. Strangely enough it seemed to begin after what I and many others who were present considered one of the most Spirit Filled Church services in a number of years. You would think that services such as this one (and many similar that have followed), would bolster people and cause them to make the extra effort to fellowship with the brethren. The result in fact was not something I had given much thought to, or had really considered, the result was a fiercer attack from our oppressor. The ensuing attack has caused some to stumble, some to doubt, and possibly even some to fall. Those who have persevered  in fellowship through this battle are becoming stronger and more faithful yet not without cost. I am watching as the faithful in Christ are being sidelined with health issues, marital issues, challenges with their children, issues of pride and addiction,and so much more. Yet in the midst of it all there are those who are becoming stronger in Christ, those who “Press on toward the goal”, those who seem able to defy the circumstances and press in to God, those who are still fighting the good fight.
 You see anytime the enemy hears of people becoming stronger in Christ, when he hears of the miraculous being done, when he sees people becoming faithful, when we get his attention he does all he can to thwart our confidence. The enemy of our souls is truly aware when the Lord allows blessings, and activities that glorify His name, and satan of course does not like it, why would he? It has become ever so apparent to me that we truly must expect trials and attacks at ever y turn of the road, with every waking moment we must be watchful, we must stand strong, we must pray!
 When Dawn was first diagnosed with cancer the Lord was very specific in His words to me, He called me to fight, He called me to stand, He called me to persevere. Since that day He has not relented in His calling, He reminds me often that I must stand and fight, I must fight against the evil that seeks to destroy me, my family, and my flock. Our family has persevered through what I would dare say is one of the most difficult things a family could face (I know there are worse things), and by doing so we are learning what it takes to do so. If I could bottle up and prescribe the cure I would, but that cannot be done, for it is not one thing that we must do to survive, no it is many, but it begins with one: we must “purpose to be faithful in every thing on every day”. If I awaken today and forget who I am and whom I serve then the chances are I will bounce through this day tossed to and fro by the challenges and issues that come my way, every decision based upon my response. Yet if I awaken with purpose and calling, reminding myself of who I am and what I am called to do then every challenge is faced with prayer and dependence on the Lord and in that I cannot fail. When you come to a place of such great loss and pain as we have this year there are very few days that you choose to face on your own, and even fewer that you do, you see you learn quickly form pain to stop and refocus, to regain control.
    We must not forget that we are in a battle, one that is not only for our lives but for the lives of all those we know and have yet to meet. This battle rages on whether we decide to participate in it or not, you see when we accepted Christ we entered the war (if not before). Hence whether we recognize it or not, whether we like it or not we must prepare ourselves for battle, we must fellowship, pray, and study the word, these are the weapons of our warfare. For if we choose to lie down, or remain behind the lines we will be slowly and systematically returned to our former selves as the enemy of our soul slowly strips away at us creating calluses on  our hearts and in our minds. Lies will become truths, pain will become scars, anger will lead us, and fear will grip us, such are the fruits of no labor. For those who persevere there is strength, there is faith, there is hope, and yes even joy, and in the midst of the war we recognize we fight from the place of victory with no fear of defeat, yet still “The battle rages on.”