He is God even in my grief
I have decided today to begin to write about grief in a way that I have never before heard of, read, or known, from the honest perspective of one who has found himself for the fifth time in this life grieving the loss of a loved one. Maybe by doing so I can help both those who are grieving and those who just don’t know what to say to those of us who are. Oh and of course there is the third option, to those of you who think you know what to say but actually don’t. I truly don’t mean to be offensive but yes some of you truly do not know the correct way to support those suffering from grief, so maybe this will help.
It has become ever so clear to me of late that there are truly no words capable of describing the loss of one’s wife and possibly any close relative at such an early age. For every word I have written explaining how I feel there are ten I cannot write. The inability to locate words that can definitively express how one feels at such a time is all too real, it just cannot be done. How do you explain the feelings of emptiness, the habits that have been instantly broken, or the dreams that seemed so real and obtainable for your future that now have no meaning at all? How do you stop asking her questions when your cooking a meal, how do you stop waiting with the car running forgetting that she is not coming? How do you stop asking her about her day, or stop unloading on her about yours. How is it that you stop reaching for her in the night only to once again find an empty bed? How do you answer these same questions and more for your children and grandchildren, does anyone know? Before you answer can I tell you a secret; those who have been through it know the answer and they agree there is none. And those who attempt to answer have not been through this and in their futile effort to comfort, their attempts to explain it simply give them away as one’s who have never traveled this road or at least not for quite some time. Why do I bring this up, why have I chosen to write about such a depressing truth? Because the truth is no we are not ok, no we have not been able to move on, and the more honest we can be about that the better people can understand our actions, moods, and reactions. The slightest of things can cause us to once again relive the pain and realize that Dawn is not coming back, a sound, a smell, a song, or any one of hundreds of seemingly obscure and otherwise unnoticeable things. What is it you feel you ask? You feel the truth, you feel the raw emotion of her loss, suddenly anything you have forgotten or placed aside has been brought to you face to face and the pain comes upon you without warning, or compassion with one goal, to inflict pain.
The other day I was preparing dinner for the children and our guests, I find preparing a meal for others to be very rewarding and I take pride in customizing each meal to the needs and desires of everyone partaking. As I was preparing to add the garlic I looked up and as if Dawn was standing there I said; “I’ll go light on it honey I know that you don’t like too much garlic”. As soon as I spoke these words hope sprang into my heart, you see in that moment, for that second, it was only a nightmare, after all she must be there, I had spoken to her. Looking up again from my work I hoped with all that was within me that she would be standing next to me, but no she wasn’t, and once again I was reminded of the loss, the hurt, the pain! You see I know Dawn is gone, I know that this is not a nightmare, I know that nothing will bring her back, but my hope for the pain to end, is much stronger than the reality of her passing. As I stood there in anguish reliving the pain tears streaming from my face I sought comfort from the only real place I can find it these days, from the Lord! Oh God I cried out, you have brought me to this place, you are a God who is faithful, You are true, and You are just, and I know You love me, oh God give me the strength to survive this trial and thrive in Your glory, for I am nothing without You and without You I will cease to try! You see God truly is the only one who can bring true comfort to those who are grieving, He is the only true hope we have. People can say all of the right words, they can bring you meals, clean your home, and give financially, and all of those things are very important and comforting, we need them, they help in the healing process. But the comfort we need most is the comfort that some day we will be re-joined with our love ones, that some day we too will be changed in a moment and join them there with Christ. If He is God then I have hope, If He is not than all is lost, but this I know, That He is God, Amen.
Gene Burroughs
Servant of God
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
This Side of Heaven
This side of heaven
Someday this will al make sense; every trial, every challenge, every ounce of pain and suffering will all make perfect sense, but not on this side of heaven. You see on this side of heaven we are given the opportunity to be tested, endure suffering, and to survive the greatest of trials. While on the inside of heaven, well truly we can only imagine. We know that there will be no pain, no heartache, no sorrow, no grief, and much more than that , well its a mystery. It is this side of heaven that each one of us are far too familiar with, we live in it each and every day, and every moment it reminds us of who and where we are!
While it would make great sense for me to desire to be in heaven now, rejoined with my bride, basking in the presence of God, I must admit that deep down I desire to for now remain on this side of heaven. I know that each one of us desire to have our suffering end, to take our place amongst those who have gone before us, I know that given a choice any reasonable person would choose to be in heaven as opposed to spending endless hours suffering on this earth. However, once we have made our final journey to our final destination it is then that life suddenly becomes about receiving our blessing, it is then that we are given the reward for our time spent on this side of heaven. But here, this is where we have been given the opportunity to make a difference for others, an opportunity to represent the God of all creation to His children. An opportunity to introduce children to the Father they have never known, a chance to give others the hope of heaven! Let me ask you, what other purpose do we serve, why else would we be asked to endure all that we do here on this earth? Yes I am confused, confused as to why anyone who proclaims Jesus as Lord would ever believe, or live as if this side of heaven was simply a place we hang out until we go home. I’m sorry but I do refuse to believe or accept fact that all there is to this life is suffering without purpose, comfort without cost, or pain without payment, yes our time this side of heaven must be lived knowing that we are here for a purpose! If we have no purpose we have no hope, without hope we are lost, and if we are lost we are no different than those who have never met Jesus.
I miss my wife more than I could have ever imagined, Dawn was my soul mate, my best friend, my partner in ministry, and my partner in life, and yes I miss her. I have been to the crossroad and I have made a choice, my choice is not to continue to serve God as I have. My choice is to serve Him with a greater fervor, a simpler faith, a more passionate desire, and with a greater sense of urgency than I ever have before! I refuse to dishonor her memory, to throw away thirty plus years of serving together, simply because of my loss, or out of fear of what lies ahead, or because I am mad at God. First of all I have not lost Dawn we will be together again only this time without all of the baggage on this side of heaven. Secondly after what we have been through there is nothing on this earth that I fear, God has been more than faithful to carry all of us through this trial and He has promised to continue to do so, and He will! And last but not least how can I be angry at the God who created this woman and loaned her to me for so long, this woman who bore three wonderful daughters full of grace, this woman who impacted so many lives, mine included. How can I be mad at the God who has carried me through, given me strength, given me hope, and transformed my life, how can I be mad at the God who has given me purpose?
Today I would like to ask you one question, “Are you living a life on this side of heaven worthy of the other side of heaven?” If not why not, if yes are you sure?
Gene Burroughs
Servant of God,
Someday this will al make sense; every trial, every challenge, every ounce of pain and suffering will all make perfect sense, but not on this side of heaven. You see on this side of heaven we are given the opportunity to be tested, endure suffering, and to survive the greatest of trials. While on the inside of heaven, well truly we can only imagine. We know that there will be no pain, no heartache, no sorrow, no grief, and much more than that , well its a mystery. It is this side of heaven that each one of us are far too familiar with, we live in it each and every day, and every moment it reminds us of who and where we are!
While it would make great sense for me to desire to be in heaven now, rejoined with my bride, basking in the presence of God, I must admit that deep down I desire to for now remain on this side of heaven. I know that each one of us desire to have our suffering end, to take our place amongst those who have gone before us, I know that given a choice any reasonable person would choose to be in heaven as opposed to spending endless hours suffering on this earth. However, once we have made our final journey to our final destination it is then that life suddenly becomes about receiving our blessing, it is then that we are given the reward for our time spent on this side of heaven. But here, this is where we have been given the opportunity to make a difference for others, an opportunity to represent the God of all creation to His children. An opportunity to introduce children to the Father they have never known, a chance to give others the hope of heaven! Let me ask you, what other purpose do we serve, why else would we be asked to endure all that we do here on this earth? Yes I am confused, confused as to why anyone who proclaims Jesus as Lord would ever believe, or live as if this side of heaven was simply a place we hang out until we go home. I’m sorry but I do refuse to believe or accept fact that all there is to this life is suffering without purpose, comfort without cost, or pain without payment, yes our time this side of heaven must be lived knowing that we are here for a purpose! If we have no purpose we have no hope, without hope we are lost, and if we are lost we are no different than those who have never met Jesus.
I miss my wife more than I could have ever imagined, Dawn was my soul mate, my best friend, my partner in ministry, and my partner in life, and yes I miss her. I have been to the crossroad and I have made a choice, my choice is not to continue to serve God as I have. My choice is to serve Him with a greater fervor, a simpler faith, a more passionate desire, and with a greater sense of urgency than I ever have before! I refuse to dishonor her memory, to throw away thirty plus years of serving together, simply because of my loss, or out of fear of what lies ahead, or because I am mad at God. First of all I have not lost Dawn we will be together again only this time without all of the baggage on this side of heaven. Secondly after what we have been through there is nothing on this earth that I fear, God has been more than faithful to carry all of us through this trial and He has promised to continue to do so, and He will! And last but not least how can I be angry at the God who created this woman and loaned her to me for so long, this woman who bore three wonderful daughters full of grace, this woman who impacted so many lives, mine included. How can I be mad at the God who has carried me through, given me strength, given me hope, and transformed my life, how can I be mad at the God who has given me purpose?
Today I would like to ask you one question, “Are you living a life on this side of heaven worthy of the other side of heaven?” If not why not, if yes are you sure?
Gene Burroughs
Servant of God,
Sunday, June 20, 2010
It is all about Choices
It’s all about Choosing
It has now been just a little over four weeks since Dawn left us and joined so many who have gone before us to be with the Father. It is with the deepest of honesty that I can say this has by far been the most emotionally trying time of my adult life. Never before since my teen years have I experienced such low lows, and so few highs on this roller coaster of emotions we often find ourselves on. In a life when things are at least somewhat normal we see high points as something we aspire to, an emotional point worthy of all of the effort we can muster in order to achieve it. However in times of grief we tend to see the high points as a place of great fear. Why you ask? Because you see in times of grieving we know there will be a fall, and the higher our joy the deeper our sorrow, or the greater the fall. We walk in a place of fear of joy as opposed to one of seeking joy, and of course along with that there are many dangers. One danger is the constantly looming depression, the kind that tugs at you seeking to draw you in and never let you go. Another are the thoughts of rebellion, and the anger at God that would bring nothing more than a very temporary relief followed by again bondage, yet now accompanied by hopelessness, again not an appealing thought. Then you have the temptation of ignoring your emotions, covering it all up so to speak by piling on any distraction you can think of in order to mask your pain. However this too will fail, for the intense pain caused by separation from our loved one will not allow itself to be bridled for long, soon it will find a way to erupt, and emotional eruptions are never the best way to deal with any situation. Yes I do speak as a man who now has firsthand knowledge of these and many more emotional scenarios and challenges, each one examined, weighed, and considered, some even practiced to a degree, and for me I have found the answer. You see the only answer I have found to be without fault, without consequence, without long term adverse effects is that once again I must trust in that which I do not see. I must place my hope in the one who gave His life for me, and believe that He has done the same for my treasured wife. If in fact I choose to continue on the same path that Dawn and I chose thirty plus years ago, (which I have) then I continue as well to honor her, I continue to be a man of faith. As a father I am re-enforcing everything that Dawn and I have taught our children (and many others) to believe they too now have the hope of Christ renewed. This choice is only one that has zero negative consequences, that’s right, zero, not one! Oh yes there are those who doubt and scoff, but may I say this to you: either you have never been in this situation, in which case you speak only from conjecture and opinion, which completely nullifies your point. For you see this is not an intellectual topic or struggle that can be explained away with head knowledge, this is an emotional struggle, filled with far too many nuances to be categorized. Or I would suggest that you doubt or scoff because you have experienced this pain first hand, and you have made the wrong choice in determining how you dealt with your pain, and now bitterness has taken hold.
My prayer for each of you that have experienced such tragedy would be that you (if you have not already) remove yourself from the bondage of anger and bitterness by seeking the only one who can redeem you, Jesus Christ, the Son of the living and loving God. And for those of you who will someday face the pain of loss, (which is the rest of you), I pray that you too will chose wisely, and place your trust and hope in the one who can be trusted with it, the great “I Am”.
Gene Burroughs Servant of the Most High God
It has now been just a little over four weeks since Dawn left us and joined so many who have gone before us to be with the Father. It is with the deepest of honesty that I can say this has by far been the most emotionally trying time of my adult life. Never before since my teen years have I experienced such low lows, and so few highs on this roller coaster of emotions we often find ourselves on. In a life when things are at least somewhat normal we see high points as something we aspire to, an emotional point worthy of all of the effort we can muster in order to achieve it. However in times of grief we tend to see the high points as a place of great fear. Why you ask? Because you see in times of grieving we know there will be a fall, and the higher our joy the deeper our sorrow, or the greater the fall. We walk in a place of fear of joy as opposed to one of seeking joy, and of course along with that there are many dangers. One danger is the constantly looming depression, the kind that tugs at you seeking to draw you in and never let you go. Another are the thoughts of rebellion, and the anger at God that would bring nothing more than a very temporary relief followed by again bondage, yet now accompanied by hopelessness, again not an appealing thought. Then you have the temptation of ignoring your emotions, covering it all up so to speak by piling on any distraction you can think of in order to mask your pain. However this too will fail, for the intense pain caused by separation from our loved one will not allow itself to be bridled for long, soon it will find a way to erupt, and emotional eruptions are never the best way to deal with any situation. Yes I do speak as a man who now has firsthand knowledge of these and many more emotional scenarios and challenges, each one examined, weighed, and considered, some even practiced to a degree, and for me I have found the answer. You see the only answer I have found to be without fault, without consequence, without long term adverse effects is that once again I must trust in that which I do not see. I must place my hope in the one who gave His life for me, and believe that He has done the same for my treasured wife. If in fact I choose to continue on the same path that Dawn and I chose thirty plus years ago, (which I have) then I continue as well to honor her, I continue to be a man of faith. As a father I am re-enforcing everything that Dawn and I have taught our children (and many others) to believe they too now have the hope of Christ renewed. This choice is only one that has zero negative consequences, that’s right, zero, not one! Oh yes there are those who doubt and scoff, but may I say this to you: either you have never been in this situation, in which case you speak only from conjecture and opinion, which completely nullifies your point. For you see this is not an intellectual topic or struggle that can be explained away with head knowledge, this is an emotional struggle, filled with far too many nuances to be categorized. Or I would suggest that you doubt or scoff because you have experienced this pain first hand, and you have made the wrong choice in determining how you dealt with your pain, and now bitterness has taken hold.
My prayer for each of you that have experienced such tragedy would be that you (if you have not already) remove yourself from the bondage of anger and bitterness by seeking the only one who can redeem you, Jesus Christ, the Son of the living and loving God. And for those of you who will someday face the pain of loss, (which is the rest of you), I pray that you too will chose wisely, and place your trust and hope in the one who can be trusted with it, the great “I Am”.
Gene Burroughs Servant of the Most High God
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
No guilt in life no fear in death
No Fear in Life no Guilt in Death
As I am sure you can imagine it has been quite difficult to write for the past two weeks, yes it was two weeks ago tonight that Dawn went to be with the Lord. You see ever since her passing I have been extremely busy with taking care of legal stuff, making arrangements, planning services, and much more. Let’s face it there is no time for grieving immediately after someone’s passing, maybe that is a good thing in some folk’s way of thinking, however for me it feels a little cheap, yes I said cheap. I have spent the past 35 plus years with the woman I love, she is plucked out of my life, and I am so busy taking care of things that I don’t even have time to process the loss, until now, two weeks later. So here I am at 12:30 am having spent a large portion of the day going through her things and finding myself wondering what comes next. Will I be able to handle everything I need to do in order to be a great Father, a Pastor, a Housekeeper, and to the degree that it is humanly possible fill the gap left by Dawn’s passing for our children and grandchildren? Suddenly I understand to a greater degree why so many widowed and divorced people seek another mate so quickly, (something by the way that I refuse to do for years to come.) I find myself asking the question at times, “What would Dawn do?” when faced with various decisions and unlike when she was here I now find myself agreeing with her 100% of the time. You see it is not that Dawn and I became one at marriage and at her departure we were torn apart; I believe that somehow we remain one. Oh yes I miss the smell of her hair, the touch of her hand, the sound of her prayers, and even the covers being pulled off in the night, and so much more, but still she remains with me. I am now and forever will be a different man than I ever was before, a man integrated and filled with the influence of this amazing woman with whom I spent the last 35 years with! The true bind however is the one we still and forever shall share, a bond that cannot be broken by time, by any man, or any influence upon this earth or in the universe, we share the bond of our Lord, our savior, our God! You see Dawn and I will never be apart because the God that not only brought us together but also kept us together remains within us, He always has been and always will be our source of strength, wisdom, guidance, love, patience, faith, and so much more, and that gives me all I need to carry on!
Dawn Burroughs lived a life best described by these words, “no guilt in life, no fear in death” but only because of Jesus Christ her Lord! That same God dwells in every believer and because of this we too should have, “no guilt in life, or fear in death” for this is a great truth. When we learn to overcome the guilt of sin, and walk in the power of fearlessness nothing can ever separate us from the love of God, and we become very dangerous for the enemy of our souls, for it is then he knows he has lost. My flesh aches to hold my beloved wife once again in my arms, to tell her once again just how much I love her. My spirit however encourages and reminds me that I am not alone, that God will give me everything I need, and that soon and very soon we will be together again, and in that knowledge I too can rejoice and thank my God!
Gene Burroughs
As I am sure you can imagine it has been quite difficult to write for the past two weeks, yes it was two weeks ago tonight that Dawn went to be with the Lord. You see ever since her passing I have been extremely busy with taking care of legal stuff, making arrangements, planning services, and much more. Let’s face it there is no time for grieving immediately after someone’s passing, maybe that is a good thing in some folk’s way of thinking, however for me it feels a little cheap, yes I said cheap. I have spent the past 35 plus years with the woman I love, she is plucked out of my life, and I am so busy taking care of things that I don’t even have time to process the loss, until now, two weeks later. So here I am at 12:30 am having spent a large portion of the day going through her things and finding myself wondering what comes next. Will I be able to handle everything I need to do in order to be a great Father, a Pastor, a Housekeeper, and to the degree that it is humanly possible fill the gap left by Dawn’s passing for our children and grandchildren? Suddenly I understand to a greater degree why so many widowed and divorced people seek another mate so quickly, (something by the way that I refuse to do for years to come.) I find myself asking the question at times, “What would Dawn do?” when faced with various decisions and unlike when she was here I now find myself agreeing with her 100% of the time. You see it is not that Dawn and I became one at marriage and at her departure we were torn apart; I believe that somehow we remain one. Oh yes I miss the smell of her hair, the touch of her hand, the sound of her prayers, and even the covers being pulled off in the night, and so much more, but still she remains with me. I am now and forever will be a different man than I ever was before, a man integrated and filled with the influence of this amazing woman with whom I spent the last 35 years with! The true bind however is the one we still and forever shall share, a bond that cannot be broken by time, by any man, or any influence upon this earth or in the universe, we share the bond of our Lord, our savior, our God! You see Dawn and I will never be apart because the God that not only brought us together but also kept us together remains within us, He always has been and always will be our source of strength, wisdom, guidance, love, patience, faith, and so much more, and that gives me all I need to carry on!
Dawn Burroughs lived a life best described by these words, “no guilt in life, no fear in death” but only because of Jesus Christ her Lord! That same God dwells in every believer and because of this we too should have, “no guilt in life, or fear in death” for this is a great truth. When we learn to overcome the guilt of sin, and walk in the power of fearlessness nothing can ever separate us from the love of God, and we become very dangerous for the enemy of our souls, for it is then he knows he has lost. My flesh aches to hold my beloved wife once again in my arms, to tell her once again just how much I love her. My spirit however encourages and reminds me that I am not alone, that God will give me everything I need, and that soon and very soon we will be together again, and in that knowledge I too can rejoice and thank my God!
Gene Burroughs
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