We walk by Faith

We walk by Faith

As my family and I have been going through this most difficult challenge there have been a number of things that have caused me to truly desire to dig deeper, to know more, to find the answer so to speak. One that sticks out, that I seem to be daily reminded of is faith, or our example of it. While I truly do not desire to sound over confident, or haughty in any way I must admit I am a little surprised at how often people comment on our example of faith. It is as if it was something abnormal, or exceptional, something unexpected for a believer in a trial such as this, and in fact, I guess it is. But why I ask? Why is it that because we desire to be faithful, to trust God in the midst of our battle (as if we had a choice) we are singled out as being exceptional? As I ponder this question a rather obvious answer or response comes to mind, “people really don’t know do they?” You see it has only recently become obvious to us that there are a number of things that do to our situation are absolutely necessary however for those who are observing from the outside those truths are not even evident. Confusing, yes I can see why, maybe I can shed a little more light on what I am attempting to say. For example, when we get up to face the day one thing that is extremely evident in Dawn is that without God she will not survive. The very fact that we are daily reminded of this causes us to do all we can to draw closer to our only hope, our God! You see the answer is not result of conscious effort or supreme spirituality; it is simply the reality of the fact that we have no hope without Him.
Another truth, “without the strength of the Lord and the power of His might we will not get through the day ourselves”. You see we know that we do not have the strength to face the trial, why because we are never away from it, and that alone causes us to realize how powerless and tired we truly are. The answer; “hang on to our strength” the lord or fall apart. Again, if we step out in our own, we fail, we fall, and we are fatigued by the strain of it all. However if we truly do hang on to Him and allow Him to be our strength we not only get by, we get stronger, no matter how little sense it makes.
One last truth is “that without faith we have nothing left, we are done, and all of this is for not”. You see our faith is not just the belief that God can heal Dawn; no it is the belief that he will never leave nor forsake us. That He is the one true God, the great I Am, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, the one who paid the price for our lives by giving His Son Jesus as payment for our errors. That this God of which I speak is my God, that He cares for me, and about me, that He will not give us more than we can handle!
This is the same God who is bound by His word, bound by His promises, most of which tell of what He will do for all mankind, and none which speak of His will for Himself! You see we are not walking in so much a faith that is exceptional, no this is a faith that is necessary, a faith that only those who need it can receive, for they are the only ones who see the need. I pray that all believers would walk in the truth of the word, in the promises of God, for if they did faith truly would be, ”the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen” Hebrews 11:1.
Gene

I don't like roller coasters

Throughout my life I have done many things that the average person would never dream of attempting, from riding bulls in the rodeo circuit to fighting the good fight on dark streets and alleys. Honestly there has been little I have encountered in this life that has caused fear to manifest itself within me. That said there is one thing that I definitely do not enjoy, not only do I not enjoy them, I refuse to even climb on one again, yes you guessed it, I hate roller coasters! Gotcha! I’m not sure if it is the fact that I am completely out of control, or if it is the climbing to heights that seem unnatural for a man, it may even be the speed with which things come at you, yet in reality I believe it is all of that and more. Once you make the choice to climb on to a roller coaster your fate is at the mercy of someone else, someone who may or may not be at the top of their game that day. I wonder, did they have an argument with their spouse today, are their children driving them nuts, are bill collectors knocking at the door, is this person an alcoholic or a drug addict? Worse yet, is he or she at the end of their rope, and is today the day they have decided to pour the wrath of their frustration out on humanity by crashing the ride? Yes I know it’s farfetched but like I said, “I don’t like roller coasters”!
However no matter how little I like roller coasters my family and I have been riding one for over three months and this ride has no end in sight. One moment we are up, the next we are down, one moment we see light at the end of the tunnel and the next we are in a tunnel with no light, then just about the time we get comfortable with our situation, we change direction, yup just like a roller coaster. There are however few similarities between the rides we are on and one at your typical amusement park, you see we know who is operating this ride, and we know who is in control. There is no fear of outside influence, no concerns about retribution, or self indulgence, the operator of this ride cares more about us than we do and He would never allow anything to happen that would be more than we could handle. And while knowing that brings all of the comfort in the world there still a few things I struggle with, one I am not in control, you see this ride is not one I have chosen to be on, but rather one that was chosen for us. In addition we are being taken to heights of faith and trust that we could only imagine existed, yet I assure you that they do, and yes they are uncomfortable.
Yet in some strange way I must admit that I am beginning to comprehend what keeps roller coaster enthusiasts coming back for more. For them as with us with every new ride brings new confidence, new strength, and a desire for more. The truth is I still don’t like roller coasters however this ride is worth the journey, no matter where it takes us, yes I would like it to end and end soon, but the operator of this ride is the only one who can bring it to a stop and until He does we will keep holding on.
This Tuesday Dawn will have her CT scan to determine if the chemo is having any effect on her tumors and cancer, please pray for us, we could use some good news. We won’t know the results for another week and our prayer would be that the tumors have shrunk and that the cancer is being defeated. Until then we ride, we laugh, we smile, we learn, and we grow stronger, thanks for joining us on our adventure after all you don’t have to be here, you choose to! Oh did I mention the fact that “I don’t like roller coasters”?
Gene

Walking on Water

Tonight I am getting a sense of what it is like to walk on water, yes I said walk on water. When you’re walking on water the one thing you cannot do is try to figure out why you’re not sinking. You see if you look around and try to figure it out you will soon realize that there is no way you can be doing this. Consequently common sense will take over, reason will reduce faith to fear, and we will do the logical thing and sink. After all walking on water is an impossible thing to do is it not? Well no it is possible, after all we are living proof it can be done, it must be true, after all we are not sinking. Oh yes were a little wet, but somehow we continue to move forward, not just getting by, but getting on, even seeing victory in the midst of the storm. Somehow this works, everything we know and feel says that there is no way this can be done, no possible way to stay afloat, no possible means by which to survive, yet we are.
We truly cannot take any credit for our ability to stay above the turmoil, to keep from floundering in the waves that seem to endlessly and continually come crashing down upon us. You see there truly is no way one can survive these things upon their own, we truly are incapable. Yet somehow today, as with yesterday, and prayerfully tomorrow we will continue to persevere. It is He and He alone who is our strength, our shield, our comforter, our all in all , it is He alone the God of all creation who carries us through. It is the same God who not only allows, but also created the very waves that pound us who gives us the strength to defeat them. How does that make sense you ask? I'm not sure I know, and surely I fail to completely understand it all, yet what I do understand is that somehow we are walking on water not drowning in it, and this is truly the greatest mystery and miracle of all!
Tomorrow Dawn has another chemo treatment, they seem to be coming at us as a quickly approaching train, one that does not stop to let you on, yet climb on you must. Therefore you endure the pain you know will soon come, the injuries that you will sustain, all in hope that something good will come of it. Please pray for Dawn to not have any of the side effects of this terrible and yet necessary treatment. It would bring us all such great joy to have her return to her joyous, energetic, and loving self, for then we would know her suffering has ended.
Thank you Lord for the protection in the storm, for not allowing us to sink to the depths of despair that desire to swallow us whole, you oh Lord are our strength!
Gene

" We each face our mountains"

One of the things that has stuck out in my mind throughout this challenge has been the way people have become afraid or ashamed to share their trials because they feel that their situation is not worthy to be spoken of or shared because ours seems so terribly devastating. Well can I just say this:" we all have our mountains to climb". You see just because a person is facing something that appears less challenging by worldly standards it is none the less challenging for them, and hence worthy of attention. Long before the Lord found my family and I worthy of facing this current situation, we found ourselves facing challenges that brought us to the brink of desperation many times. While yes they were not the same in the sense of the possible outcome, they were extremely scary and difficult to manage. That challenge is never made easier when you feel like you cannot express yourself, or ask for prayer because someone else seems to be going through so much more. That is exactly what the enemy would love to see us do, avoid facing our challenge with prayer and the power of God because after all it's not as bad as someone else's. So please don’t be afraid or hesitant to share your trials, struggles, challenges, and tribulations with others, allow your friends to hold up your arms, you may find it not to be so bad after all. When Moses allowed his arms to be supported by those around him, it was then that he became his strongest. No longer was he focused on the struggle or the pain, suddenly he was able to focus on the task at hand, it was then in the heat of battle when he allowed those around him to support him that he heard God more clearly. Please allow yourself the joy of having your arms held up by others, I dare say I struggled under the weight of them for far too many years before He simply made them too heavy for me to bear, only because He loves me, and wanted me to see what I was missing. Please don’t make the mistake I made, the price has been paid by someone else, enjoy the free gift of counsel and reap the benefits of obedience!
Trust me when I say, yes this is by far the greatest challenge Dawn and I have ever faced, however when we were facing financial ruin, or a child’s sickness, or a loved one’s poor decisions, we felt great pain, fear, and even doubt. And while we knew others going through difficult situations that appeared more difficult than ours it did not lessen our pain. If anything it increased our guilt, again not at all what the lord would desire, nor quite honestly would we. In all reality if we were that selfish (which no one has accused us of), the Lord would not find us worthy of this trial, and this is my friends a worthy trial. Again do I want to do this, no, am I asking God to end it, yes, but only when He has finished what He has begun in our lives and not a minute before. If He does end it because of our cry it has all been for naught and that would be the greatest tragedy of all, to stop short of the finish line!
Dawns' recovery from the last chemo has not been going very well, she is suffering from much more pain and a number of new physical challenges. Praise God her sensitivity to cold has been nowhere near what they predicted (just like we prayed), again however in many other ways she suffering far more intently. We see the Doctor on Thursday and prayerfully we will be able to arrive at some solutions. Another prayer point is that the health insurance will quickly approve (we have been waiting two weeks), either a CT scan or a PET scan so that we can see if the chemo is working or not. If not there is no reason to continue those particular treatments which in actuality appear to be dragging her down. You can also pray that AFLAC will pay what they owe us, we have been delayed by them since December and those funds would be very helpful, they are making promises but action does speak louder, amen!
Thank you all so much for your prayers, cards, notes, scriptures, and gifts, Dawn and I feel completely and utterly blessed by all of those who are doing so much to help us. I wish I could invite you all over to see her but unfortunately she truly is not able to see folks, and with the chemo she needs to be protected, thank God she has not gotten sick!
Bless You all
Gene

"No more pain"

The reality of what my family is experiencing right now will never be forgotten, oh yes while the memories may become faded they will never fall into the abyss of other much less significant challenges. Of all of the things I had imagined I would experience in this life, having my bride suffer with such a debilitating disease was not even on my radar. And while I see so much growth in my children, myself, and others, I cannot help but wonder why it must come at such a great cost. On days when Dawn is simply bed ridden, tired, and suffering mildly we actualy enjoy our time. We are able to talk about things we have experienced, able to enjoy each others company, and yes we even allow oursleves to dream a little. However at times like this, on days when her pain robs her of all joy, when our day is spent attempting (and failing to a great degree) to relieve her suffering, the benefits of this trial quickly cease to bring comfort. The reality of her prognosis without a miracle hits home, and I pray even more for God to relieve her suffering, no matter what it takes! Yes I did say no matter what it takes, am I losing faith, no nor will I ever. But faith is so much more than believing in an earthly healing, it goes into the eternal belief of a complete healing that all believers will someday experience. You see my faith cannot be based upon seeing Dawn healed on earth, it must be based upon the infinate knowledge of knowing that her true healing will only come when she joins the Lord. It is in fact the understanding that all suffering that is experienced by people on this earth will never end until we transition to our heavenly home. Therefore if I am praying for a healing then I must realize that I am ultimately praying for the finished work of Christ.
It may be easy for some who are not in our shoes to become critical of these words which I have spoken, however to feel otherwise is to live in complete selfishness. There is nothing I desire more in this life than to see my wife standing beside me completely healed. To once again share a meal and talk of the days activities, to plan a journey, to see and spoil our children and grandchildren. I would love to give her the trip to cancun where we would walk amongst the pyramids of Mexico enjoying the sunshine and the laughs of our children as they romp on the white sandy beaches. And oh how I would love to have her join me as we lead the people of Shasta Lake, serving them, loving them, and growing with them, yes these are a few of the things I would love to see. However the reality of today brings this to mind, if her healing is not on earth may she not suffer on this earth, may her pain be forever removed.
Yes I have found my limit, my weakness, and my greatest fault in life, I cannot bear to see those I love suffer in pain, especialy this one with whom I have spent my life, shared my dreams, and grown to love beyond all measure, my wife. My only solace is to know this, that though I love her with all my heart, the one who loves her more, he alone can bring her peace, He alone can end her suffering, He alone is whom we place our trust, hence we pray, Your will be done oh God, on earth as it is in heaven!
But please oh God deliver us from this place of never ending pain and heartache into Your arms of blessed relief from suffering for evermore!

"No Regrets"

One of the greatest blessings over the past two months that Dawn and I have had is the wonderful time to talking and hanging out together. We have always enjoyed each others company however as you can imagine today each conversation, each moment, and yes even every word has special meaning. Therefore every word is rather well thought out, every topic one that is worthy of conversation, not because you have made the effort to screen your thoughts, no it is because when your with someone you love there is no such thing as wasted conversation, time ill spent. Have we ever forgotten this, of course, will we ever again, doubtful, were to grateful to forget.
When you look back on your recently completed day, what is it that you see? Are there high points that you would desire to see more of, or possibly failures that you hope you will never experience again? Hopefully there is never a day you cannot remember, for those are the ones that are truly wasted. If your day has high points then you have succeded, you have experienced something you enjoy, something you will hunger for more of.
Imagine if you had never tasted your favorite flavor of chocolate, until you have you truly don't know what you are missing, and once you have you desire more. Isn't that how life should be to a certain degree? If each day that we experience something that brings joy to our spirit then our spirit is constantly growing, reaching new boundaries, expanding our territory of blessing.
If you experience failures in your day they too can be used for good as long as we recognize them for what they are and learn from them. In order to fail we must be attempting to win, otherwise it would not be failure at all, no it would simply be nothing. In order to recognize a failure as such it must be the result of something not being fulfilled, hence something was attempting to be fulfilled, make sense. So yes failure is better than nothing! The true waste of life and time is when there is nothing happening, no successes no failures, no joy, no happiness, no goals, no relationships, no conversations, and so on.
For those who beleieve we truly must remember that our goals, dreams, and visions must be influenced by the fact that we are children of the most high God. Influenced by a desire to change some part of our world in some way, every day. I'm not talking about standing on the street and proclaiming Jesus to everyone who walks by, no it's about just being a person who lives with no regrets. If we purpose to not regret our actions, or our words, then we will be a catalyst of change. Why you ask? Because the world does not have regrets, the world seeks it's own, it has no consience, it simply exists!
I am determined to live every moment of my life on this earth without regrets, will I fail, yes, however I will not regret it!
Today Dawn had another chemo treatment and things went rather well, unfortunately chemo has become routine stuff for us, not something you want to be good at. Tomorrow we go in again for day two which is a much stronger drug with many more side effects, the worse being sensitivity to cold. Actually a better way of putting it would be: and extreme and painful sensitivity to anything below 98.6, yeah no walking barefoot, no tap water, no opening the refirgerator door, all are too painful. Please join me in praying that Dawn would not experience this side effect any longer, seeing her suffer is my least favorite thing in life, and lately I have seen far too much of it.
Bless you all
Gene