Finding Him in the Darkness (written July 2010 yet never released)

Suddenly the events of the past eight or so months have subsided enough to be reflected upon, the results of which were now far too apparent. In October we were told that my wife's illness was serious, probably terminal. In November our greatest fears were realized. From that day until now there were so many events, so many obstacles, so many scenarios and responsibilities that the reality of what lie ahead never really hit home. Between the endless Doctor appointments and procedures there was the plethora of phone calls, legal issues, and a line of people a mile long wanting for just one final word. Somewhere in the mix were the children, two at home, another some hundred plus miles away, what about them and the grandchildren, where do they fit in? There was so much of my time spent managing the business of death that very little was able to be spent just saying goodbye, let alone caring for the loved ones. The daily highlight soon became the blessing and mystery of nightly meals being delivered often by complete strangers, simply because they cared. Maybe the business of death is a blessing in disguise, could it be that keeping busy prevents us from realizing the darkness of what lies ahead. The problem is that the darkness is coming, it is real, and truly nothing can prepare you for it. At this writing I have suddenly realized for the first time that I am alone, my life partner has left this world. I am numb, I am scared, I am overwhelmed, and no one knows to what degree. Dare I tell them? My children have finally fallen asleep, the result of exhaustion from crying a seemingly endless stream of tears. The laundry is done, the dishes are washed, and now I am forced to make the long trek down a short hall to my now empty room. A place formerly filled with laughter, joy, hours of discussion, and the kind of love that only married couples can know. This room that served as a hospital, a place of preparation for heaven, and eventually a place of passing now it waits as if to devour me. It has become an empty, dark, cold, and quiet, chasm of despair. Last night as I lay in the bed after what seemed like hours it all came crashing in, the memories, the fears, the doubts, the shoulda coulda woulda thoughts, and yes the darkness of being alone. Loneliness is my new found and unwelcome companion. Who do I call, who can help me, where are my friends in the middle of the night? There is no one, not one, who can comfort me now! As the tears began to flow, I wondered, will the pain ever end, I hoped for sleep and yet it seemed to run from me. With every tear I became more awake, awake to the situation I now found myself in. How did this happen to me? Oh my poor children, my grandchildren, my family, and yes me! In the midst of my pain I cried out to the only one who had never left my side, the only one who truly understood my pain, I called upon my Lord. Many times I had heard His voice, felt His presence, or sensed His direction, but right now I needed a hug! In my desperation I sought Him, crying out, Father touch me, heal me, hold me Lord! No sooner had the words left my mouth when suddenly I felt something I had never felt before. It was if someone had clothed me with a warm blanket, every inch of my body felt the comforting touch, He had heard my cry! So this was intimacy with God, this was that touch I longed for the comfort I sought. All from one whom I could not see, but knew was there! I suddenly felt safe, equipped, and able to move forward, even if only for one minute, or one hour, or one day. Suddenly I was not alone, the God of all creation had come to me in my moment of despair, The nights are not so bad these days, when I call He is there, I know Him much better now, I love Him more, He is more than my God, He is my comforter, my strength, my hope, He is more than my salvation, He has become my all in all. What a shame it is that it can take such tragic events for us to truly know the Lord in this way, to this degree. However if this is what it takes, I am ready for the challenge. My wife has joined Him now, she knows no more pain or suffering, she is home. Somehow I doubt she would desire to return, no more than I desire to return to knowing Him as I did before. You see now I know Him intimately, I feel Him, I trust Him, I need Him, and I desire to please Him, He is my Lord, He is my God, and I will serve Him. Please don’t grieve for me, but rather for those who have yet to know Him, or only think they do, for surly they are the ones who are alone, not me. “Intimacy with God is much more than an emotion it is true oneness” Gene Burroughs New Beginnings Shasta Lake