The reality of grief is truly something I am convinced no one ever completely understands, even after having gone through it, there remains a true mystery about it. For each person the road to recovery from grief will take rather unexpected and unknown twists and turns,detours and road blocks, most of which are completely random. One minute you are up the next your down, then just when you think you have a handle on it, it slips away reminding you that no one can have a handle on grief it is grief which must release its hold on you. True freedom can only be found if and when your grief has been completely satisfied, and like a well fed dog, it will then take rest. My daughter Katie mentioned something to me that made great sense, she noted that unlike her we (Natalie, Michaela, and I ), were forced to face our grief everyday, she on the other hand was distracted to a certain degree. After all she is a stay at home mom with two children, a husband, a ministry of worship as well as a ministry her and her husband share in with college age adults. There is obviously more than enough here to occupy her time and her mind. You see with the girls and I we were and are, sharpening each other every day, each one of us is dealing with some facet of Dawn's loss. Therefore each of us likewise finds ourselves dealing with the same emotions and trials of the other as we do our best to comfort one another. This constant buffering and sharpening, a challenging that has drawn the three of us in to a bond that few family members will ever be able to share, one that I personally find priceless. I could never imagine having this type of relationship with my own father. We have laughed together, cried together, traveled, picked out grave markers, lived in the house, slept in the bed, smelled the fragrances, and so much more, everyday we have been surrounded by everything that reminds us of Dawn. We have packed her clothes, gone through her jewelry, read her books, slept in her blankets, and even dumped her meds. We have washed her dogs, worn her jackets, cried at the drop of the hat for no reason, and we have prayed daily for answers and yes we have wondered why she has left us. We have tried to fill the holes in our hearts with any sort of pleasure or activity only to find them still there and growing. Yes, we have grieved, more than anyone will ever know and more than anyone could ever imagine, and yes we still miss her, and yes we still love her and forever that will be the case. The girls and I have by the worlds standards dealt with our grief rather quickly, I believe do to the very reasons I have stated above. The reality is that each and every one of us face tough situations and challenges, grief, loss, and more all on a different level, we achieve victory at different times, and even some unfortunately never do overcome the pain. The greatest challenge I believe being for each one of us to accept the fact that this is the case, that my grief or lack their of is not right, nor wrong, no more than anyone elses. The reality is we all handle things differently based on more factors than we can possibly imagine and no matter what the world says there is no set time for any person to overcome grief. I was married to Dawn for thirty-one years and served her not until her death, but even today, as the father of our children. I will always honor and cherish her even beyond death, far beyond the promise I made to her on December 9th 1978 "till death do us part". The bible tells us you will know a tree by its fruit, and I am proud to say that Dawn and I produced good fruit, and that fruit is continuing to grow even today. I remember the first time I saw someone pruning a tree, to my untrained eye I thought they were killing it. However as I became educated in the practice of horticulture I was able to understand that without proper pruning a tree cannot bear healthy fruit. I was wrong to judge that man on the ladder until I sought the truth, little did I know at the time he cared much more for the tree than I. No one cares more for my children and their future than I, too bad so many have judged otherwise. I am not a lovesick man seeking to fulfill my desires, I am a father, a housekeeper, a nurse, a nanny, a pastor, and much more, and I have made recent decisions based upon what I believe is best, as well as what the Lord has spoken to my heart. My life will no longer be an open book, nor will it be for my children (at home), the pain of rejection by uninformed well meaning friends is more than we can bare. I will end with a statement the Lord spoke to my heart a few days ago: "Even God doesn't meet the expectations of men, otherwise they would all believe." Knowing this makes it a little easier for me to understand, but it will never heal the scars or lessen the pain. I and the girls have fallen in love with a wonderful woman of God whom He has placed in our lives, she is not here to take Dawns place, she has been sent hear to care for her treasures. My prayer for you tonight is this: that just as I learned from watching the man care for the tree, no matter what I thought, he loved it more than me.
Gene Burroughs
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