What a Glorious Day That Will Be
In recent years we have been hearing a phrase repeated at an increasing rate, a phrase that can often be misunderstood and taken out of proper context. This phrase “the bride of Christ” is one that immediately causes the mind of each hearer to arrive at any one of a number of conclusions. For most men it just seems weird to be called a bride, for some it causes great comfort, for others confusion as to the meaning, and so on. For myself it has always been an area I simply avoided, while I believe I understand the heart of God behind it, I struggled in my flesh with being looked upon as a bride, for one thing I felt very unworthy. If I think of a bride I in-vision one who is pure, one who has protected themselves from impurity, a virgin, one prepared in her heart to be joined for the first time to her eternal mate.
When Dawn and I were married I truly did not understand the gift that she was to me, having not been walking with the Lord the very concept of being joined to another for life was filled with misconceptions and uninformed ideologies all of which were more influenced by the perverted world than they were by the purity of God. It was only after far too many years that I look upon the gift that Dawn gave me with the value it deserved, she had given me herself, something she had given no other man, no other person shared in the gift we had. The intimacy of our relationship was an intimacy shared by no other, it was undefiled, faithful, and true, what a gift!
Today my view on my bride is one that is much different, one that few others have the privilege of understanding, a privilege that comes at such a high cost. You see I now am beginning to truly understand for myself what it means to wait for your bride, to desire to see her, to desire to be joined to her once again. Yes I know that our relationship in heaven will be much different, but nonetheless at that time we will both rejoice in knowing that the path we chose in life was truly one of eternal life in Christ. Someday i will see her again, someday we will share the stories of what we have seen in our time apart, someday she will lead me on a tour of heaven, someday we will reunite, someday I will see my bride!
As I write this I of course have tears streaming from my eyes, my heart pounds with emotion and anticipation, and yet the pain is almost more than I can bare. I wonder, is this how the Lord feels about us? Is He also anxiously anticipating our arrival or the return of Christ? Could it be that the God who created the Heavens and the earth is as excited to be rejoined with me as I am to be rejoined with my bride? Could it be that the great I Am is anticipating the wedding feast?
Again I think back to our wedding day in Shasta Lake California in an small Pentecostal Church a woman dressed in white coming down the isle desiring to be joined to her groom. The white of her dress signifying the purity of her life, and her steadfast commitment to remain undefiled for her groom, her one love. Then I in-vision myself, I too am a bride, I too am dressed in white, i too am now undefiled, as I wait for my redeemer. No I have not lived a our life, no I have not always made the right choices, and yet because of the payment Christ has made for me, I am undefiled, I am prepared for the wedding feast. No God is not going to marry us, an no we will not have physical intimacy, but I do believe that we are to be prepared, ready, and anxiously awaiting the return of our King, someday we will be joined with Him for eternity. Now I understand, now I see, He waits for me, just as I wait for my bride, and oh what a glorious day that will be!
Gene Burroughs Servant of God
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Seeking Him First
“Seeking Him First”
*Dawn Burroughs truly was an amazing woman, not just because she was my wife, or the mother of my children, but rather because for one thing she truly loved the Lord. Her dedication to the Lord and His people was deeply rooted in her steadfast conviction of always doing what was right. You see she never would consider doing anything that she felt went against what was right,or what God would have her do, no matter what. Was she afraid of God, no, was she afraid of disappointing God, yes, and that in itself was one of the greatest things that contributed to her amazing character. The thought of disappointing God would often wake her (and consequently me) at night. Sometimes in the night she would awaken and be completely consumed with worry that somehow she had done something, made a decision, or had spoken words that would somehow disappoint the Lord. There were times that she simply had a thought that she new was not pleasing to the Lord, and yes once again we would be awake, me in a stupor, and us discussing the grace and the mercy of God. You see Dawn took the Lord very serious, she refused to take His love for granted, she refused to abuse His grace or His mercy, she understood the cost and hence the value of Christ’s blood. The mere thought of taking advantage of God’s grace and mercies would send her into a downward spiral of self loathing and conviction, one that sometimes became difficult to help her out of. I can remember at times being so frustrated with her extreme guilt, I would do all I could to minimize her fears and remind her that none of us are perfect, that it is the striving for perfection that God desires, not the perfection. I would remind her that if we could be perfect then there would be no need for the cross, or the sacrifice that Jesus has made for us. And yes while she was aware of these things and knew them to be true, more importantly she knew her heart, she knew that in it was not only the ability but sometimes even the desire to fail, to choose the passion of the flesh over the will of God. The testimony of her became how rarely she would succumb to those desires, how she was able to remain steadfast and allow her convictions to outweigh her passions.
One of the greatest lessons I have learned in this life came form this woman, my friend, my spouse, my confidant, and that lesson was this; “Make your passion to do the will of God”. You see Dawn’s struggle was far less than my own, or that of many others, simply for one reason if no other, her passion, her desire, was to do the will of God, and she knew what that was. She understood the role of a woman, she knew that her first responsibility before God was to love and serve Him, then to love and serve me, followed by loving and serving her children, and lastly, loving and serving His people, His church. Dawn knew that God came first, above all else, that her relationship with everyone else was completely dependent upon her relationship with Him. It took decades of struggling with the role of being provider and husband, thinking that as the world teaches I had to provide before I finally understood the true secret to success, this secret that Dawn had known for so long,(and tried to teach me). You see true success, true provision, true service in proper order only comes form one place, it comes from the Father, it comes as a byproduct of your pursuit and desire to know your God! True happiness, true love, true understanding, these are all attributes of those who love the Lord and seek Him first, they are the passions of Godly people. Dare I say this, wining the ball game, killing the biggest buck, having the shapeliest body, or being the best at anything, is all in vain if it does not begin with being passionate for Him. You see these things may happen as a result of seeking Him and making Him your passion, however only after you have done so, not before.
Dawn has left me a changed man, she has shown me by her life and consequent passing what truly is the most important thing, seeking Him first, being passionate for Christ. Jesus should never be a crutch, His blood never a super glue that holds it all together as we continue to break it all apart. No, He should be our all in all, the one who lifts us up, the one who we seek to serve, the one we place first even over our own desires, and then and only then will it all make sense. Dawn’s passing is slowly beginning to make much more sense to me, because I know why she served, I know who she loved, and I know how faithful He is, and I know He loves me and my children, and like Dawn our desire is now above all to please Him!
Gene Burroughs Pastor
*Dawn Burroughs truly was an amazing woman, not just because she was my wife, or the mother of my children, but rather because for one thing she truly loved the Lord. Her dedication to the Lord and His people was deeply rooted in her steadfast conviction of always doing what was right. You see she never would consider doing anything that she felt went against what was right,or what God would have her do, no matter what. Was she afraid of God, no, was she afraid of disappointing God, yes, and that in itself was one of the greatest things that contributed to her amazing character. The thought of disappointing God would often wake her (and consequently me) at night. Sometimes in the night she would awaken and be completely consumed with worry that somehow she had done something, made a decision, or had spoken words that would somehow disappoint the Lord. There were times that she simply had a thought that she new was not pleasing to the Lord, and yes once again we would be awake, me in a stupor, and us discussing the grace and the mercy of God. You see Dawn took the Lord very serious, she refused to take His love for granted, she refused to abuse His grace or His mercy, she understood the cost and hence the value of Christ’s blood. The mere thought of taking advantage of God’s grace and mercies would send her into a downward spiral of self loathing and conviction, one that sometimes became difficult to help her out of. I can remember at times being so frustrated with her extreme guilt, I would do all I could to minimize her fears and remind her that none of us are perfect, that it is the striving for perfection that God desires, not the perfection. I would remind her that if we could be perfect then there would be no need for the cross, or the sacrifice that Jesus has made for us. And yes while she was aware of these things and knew them to be true, more importantly she knew her heart, she knew that in it was not only the ability but sometimes even the desire to fail, to choose the passion of the flesh over the will of God. The testimony of her became how rarely she would succumb to those desires, how she was able to remain steadfast and allow her convictions to outweigh her passions.
One of the greatest lessons I have learned in this life came form this woman, my friend, my spouse, my confidant, and that lesson was this; “Make your passion to do the will of God”. You see Dawn’s struggle was far less than my own, or that of many others, simply for one reason if no other, her passion, her desire, was to do the will of God, and she knew what that was. She understood the role of a woman, she knew that her first responsibility before God was to love and serve Him, then to love and serve me, followed by loving and serving her children, and lastly, loving and serving His people, His church. Dawn knew that God came first, above all else, that her relationship with everyone else was completely dependent upon her relationship with Him. It took decades of struggling with the role of being provider and husband, thinking that as the world teaches I had to provide before I finally understood the true secret to success, this secret that Dawn had known for so long,(and tried to teach me). You see true success, true provision, true service in proper order only comes form one place, it comes from the Father, it comes as a byproduct of your pursuit and desire to know your God! True happiness, true love, true understanding, these are all attributes of those who love the Lord and seek Him first, they are the passions of Godly people. Dare I say this, wining the ball game, killing the biggest buck, having the shapeliest body, or being the best at anything, is all in vain if it does not begin with being passionate for Him. You see these things may happen as a result of seeking Him and making Him your passion, however only after you have done so, not before.
Dawn has left me a changed man, she has shown me by her life and consequent passing what truly is the most important thing, seeking Him first, being passionate for Christ. Jesus should never be a crutch, His blood never a super glue that holds it all together as we continue to break it all apart. No, He should be our all in all, the one who lifts us up, the one who we seek to serve, the one we place first even over our own desires, and then and only then will it all make sense. Dawn’s passing is slowly beginning to make much more sense to me, because I know why she served, I know who she loved, and I know how faithful He is, and I know He loves me and my children, and like Dawn our desire is now above all to please Him!
Gene Burroughs Pastor
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Lord get me through the night
Lord Get me through the night
Last night was an exceptionally difficult night for me, one filled with dreams, (or should I call them nightmares) about Dawn. In every case I was waiting for her to return from a ministry event she had been attending, and in every case she never came home. I would find myself searching for her, calling friends, and driving to places where she might be, yet all to no avail. I would awake each time with an all too familiar ache in my heart, reach for her, and once again an all too familiar empty bed. Yet even though there is pain and disappointment at the conclusion of each dream,I find myself seeking, wanting, desiring to never stop dreaming about her, to never stop searching for her, I find myself never wanting to give up hope that this has all been just a long nightmare, and soon I will awake and find her here.
I have received so much advice and shade tree council from folks, (all I am confident desiring to ease my pain), and they tell me “it will all be better some day”, or “don’t worry you will get over it” but will I or do I even want to? Somehow in the midst of my grief I truly wonder if one can ever get over the loss of a spouse of 31 plus years. If as the Bible says the “two shall become one” how can one ever be healed to the point of forgetting, from being torn in half? In 1983 I was playing baseball and fractured my leg, tore my ligaments, and dislocated my ankle, it was over a year and after multiple surgeries and hours of physical therapy before I was able to walk again. My leg and ankle are forever scarred from those surgeries, and sometimes a little pain reminds me of my former injury. I have been forever altered, changed for life by that accident, and yet as severe as it was it is not worthy to be in the same category of loosing my spouse. Almost 22 years ago my father died very unexpectedly and it took well over a year to heal from his sudden loss, and while yes I was a part of him, we were not one!
It has been just eight short weeks tomorrow since Dawns passing, and to those who said it would get worse before it got better, you were correct. You see I don’t believe for one moment that things will ever return to what normal was for me and my family. I don’t think we will ever get over this, but rather this is what and who we have become. I will forever be a widow, my children will have forever lost their mom, my grandchildren their grandmother, my son in law his mom in law, and so on. Hence we are now different people than we were, our goals are new, our dreams have changed, our desires have been altered, our purpose redefined, and yet it all remains to be done for His glory.
You see Dawn and I had a very purposeful and intense life, we have always been very serious about raising our children, and serving the Lord, we lived our life together with the knowledge that some day we would stand before God. We purposed to seek God’s will for us and then do all we could to accomplish it. Now more than ever that same intensity is rising up in my children and in myself, because we now know that all too soon this will all end. We have become even more serious about the purpose of man, about what it means to serve God no matter what He calls you to do, or what it costs you. This is not a game for us, Church is not a social club, youth group is not a hang out, being a Christian is not easy nor should it be. All we know and believe, the hope we have for salvation, it has all come at such a high price, yes Jesus gave His innocent life for us and that alone should be enough, and yet let us not forget the countless thousands or possibly millions who have given their lives for the Gospel. I pray that we would never forget, that we would never take for granted that which we have so easily received.
No we will never again be who we were, nor do we desire to be, we will never forget, we will never completely heal, and I pray that we wouldn’t. This new found joy in Christ, this new found desire to hold on His every word, this new found realization of the cost of our lives, these are the things we desire to hold fresh on our lips. And as long as there is pain in the memory of our loss the intensity with which we serve will continue to burn as a white hot flame. I cannot wait to see what tomorrow holds, yet I must get through the night, the night filled with dreams that rain down pain on my heart , and for that I can honestly say, I am grateful.
Gene Burroughs Pastor
Last night was an exceptionally difficult night for me, one filled with dreams, (or should I call them nightmares) about Dawn. In every case I was waiting for her to return from a ministry event she had been attending, and in every case she never came home. I would find myself searching for her, calling friends, and driving to places where she might be, yet all to no avail. I would awake each time with an all too familiar ache in my heart, reach for her, and once again an all too familiar empty bed. Yet even though there is pain and disappointment at the conclusion of each dream,I find myself seeking, wanting, desiring to never stop dreaming about her, to never stop searching for her, I find myself never wanting to give up hope that this has all been just a long nightmare, and soon I will awake and find her here.
I have received so much advice and shade tree council from folks, (all I am confident desiring to ease my pain), and they tell me “it will all be better some day”, or “don’t worry you will get over it” but will I or do I even want to? Somehow in the midst of my grief I truly wonder if one can ever get over the loss of a spouse of 31 plus years. If as the Bible says the “two shall become one” how can one ever be healed to the point of forgetting, from being torn in half? In 1983 I was playing baseball and fractured my leg, tore my ligaments, and dislocated my ankle, it was over a year and after multiple surgeries and hours of physical therapy before I was able to walk again. My leg and ankle are forever scarred from those surgeries, and sometimes a little pain reminds me of my former injury. I have been forever altered, changed for life by that accident, and yet as severe as it was it is not worthy to be in the same category of loosing my spouse. Almost 22 years ago my father died very unexpectedly and it took well over a year to heal from his sudden loss, and while yes I was a part of him, we were not one!
It has been just eight short weeks tomorrow since Dawns passing, and to those who said it would get worse before it got better, you were correct. You see I don’t believe for one moment that things will ever return to what normal was for me and my family. I don’t think we will ever get over this, but rather this is what and who we have become. I will forever be a widow, my children will have forever lost their mom, my grandchildren their grandmother, my son in law his mom in law, and so on. Hence we are now different people than we were, our goals are new, our dreams have changed, our desires have been altered, our purpose redefined, and yet it all remains to be done for His glory.
You see Dawn and I had a very purposeful and intense life, we have always been very serious about raising our children, and serving the Lord, we lived our life together with the knowledge that some day we would stand before God. We purposed to seek God’s will for us and then do all we could to accomplish it. Now more than ever that same intensity is rising up in my children and in myself, because we now know that all too soon this will all end. We have become even more serious about the purpose of man, about what it means to serve God no matter what He calls you to do, or what it costs you. This is not a game for us, Church is not a social club, youth group is not a hang out, being a Christian is not easy nor should it be. All we know and believe, the hope we have for salvation, it has all come at such a high price, yes Jesus gave His innocent life for us and that alone should be enough, and yet let us not forget the countless thousands or possibly millions who have given their lives for the Gospel. I pray that we would never forget, that we would never take for granted that which we have so easily received.
No we will never again be who we were, nor do we desire to be, we will never forget, we will never completely heal, and I pray that we wouldn’t. This new found joy in Christ, this new found desire to hold on His every word, this new found realization of the cost of our lives, these are the things we desire to hold fresh on our lips. And as long as there is pain in the memory of our loss the intensity with which we serve will continue to burn as a white hot flame. I cannot wait to see what tomorrow holds, yet I must get through the night, the night filled with dreams that rain down pain on my heart , and for that I can honestly say, I am grateful.
Gene Burroughs Pastor
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Intimacy WIthout Inhibition
Intimacy without Inhibition
Yes it has been quite some time since my last writing, a sign my friends of the intense grief I have been experiencing. It is as if I am just beginning to realize how much I am going to miss Dawn. Not just in the sense of touching, seeing, and being with her, but even more so in the sense of having someone to share my thoughts, fears, and ideas with in an intimate way. And when I say intimate I don’t mean anything sexual by it, because true intimacy has nothing to do with sex, but everything to do with uninhibited open and honest communication, without fear of retribution or correction (which often leads to sex because of it’s intense appeal). Intimacy was I believe designed by God to take man and woman to a place of oneness that has far to often been confused and degraded by being limited to an act of physical expression between two people. If you have doubts just ask men to define intimacy, or young sexually active girls who have never been able to communicate with their fathers, or young men who often have gay tendencies. I contend to you that by and large you will be given an answer that approaches the definition of intimacy as something primarily sexual in nature. However I speak to you as one who has lost both the ability to communicate in the physical as well as the verbal sense with the one I was one with and the greater part of intimacy was and is most assuredly the verbal communication.
Recently while visiting dear friends in Kansas City I was asking the Lord about the future, I was seeking from Him an answer as to who I would be able to confide in, who could I be intimate with. After all if a man becomes completely open and intimate with another woman the result will in most cases end in a physical or committed relationship. It is I believe rather impossible for true intimacy in verbal communication with one of the opposite sex to not end up leading to a committed relationship because again it is very appealing, (something I am committed not to do). I am not able to be intimate with other men because quite honestly we men don’t understand intimacy well enough on our own so we need the woman to help us in our expression, and besides that it would just be weird! That is when the Lord allowed me to hear Mike Bickell of IHOP (International House of Prayer), give his definition of intimacy with God. Now I must admit that I could not quote it without misrepresenting him, but what I can do is share with you what the Lord spoke to me. The Lord made it very clear to me that I and I believe all single people can have intimacy with God to a greater degree than we can have with people. A type of intimacy that reaches to the very depths of our souls, and intimacy that exists without the trappings of lust and desire, an intimacy free off the sexual desire that is the result of the beauty and comfort of true and complete honesty and openness between two beings. For the first time in my life I truly understand what the Lord is saying when He says He desires to be intimate with His people, and quite honestly I think I like it. You see not only is this intimacy not clouded with physical attraction it is no longer clouded by opinion, emotional influence, fear, or any other of the worldly influences that so often inhibit true intimacy and honesty. Even in our deepest moments of honesty Dawn and I would often temper our communication in anticipation of the response we feared the other might have, in other words we were not always completely honest with each other. Guess what, I can’t help but be honest with God, He already knows my thoughts, my fears, and all of my conditions, so our intimacy can be nothing but true and real!
I would be lying to you if I didn’t tell you that I truly miss the physical side of my intimacy with Dawn, (no not just sex), there i said it. I miss her touch, her voice, her hand in mine, our talks, our times of laughter, and yes even our times of heated discussion, right now an argument with Dawn would bring me great joy, for at least I could see her, I could hear her, and yes we could make up, (many tears right now). But I know that this is not to be, however in her absence I am exploring and learning the meaning of true intimacy, and my Father can and will fill that role, and oh what a blessing it has become and will continue to be, intimacy without inhibition.
Gene Burroughs
Pastor Shasta Lake Church
Yes it has been quite some time since my last writing, a sign my friends of the intense grief I have been experiencing. It is as if I am just beginning to realize how much I am going to miss Dawn. Not just in the sense of touching, seeing, and being with her, but even more so in the sense of having someone to share my thoughts, fears, and ideas with in an intimate way. And when I say intimate I don’t mean anything sexual by it, because true intimacy has nothing to do with sex, but everything to do with uninhibited open and honest communication, without fear of retribution or correction (which often leads to sex because of it’s intense appeal). Intimacy was I believe designed by God to take man and woman to a place of oneness that has far to often been confused and degraded by being limited to an act of physical expression between two people. If you have doubts just ask men to define intimacy, or young sexually active girls who have never been able to communicate with their fathers, or young men who often have gay tendencies. I contend to you that by and large you will be given an answer that approaches the definition of intimacy as something primarily sexual in nature. However I speak to you as one who has lost both the ability to communicate in the physical as well as the verbal sense with the one I was one with and the greater part of intimacy was and is most assuredly the verbal communication.
Recently while visiting dear friends in Kansas City I was asking the Lord about the future, I was seeking from Him an answer as to who I would be able to confide in, who could I be intimate with. After all if a man becomes completely open and intimate with another woman the result will in most cases end in a physical or committed relationship. It is I believe rather impossible for true intimacy in verbal communication with one of the opposite sex to not end up leading to a committed relationship because again it is very appealing, (something I am committed not to do). I am not able to be intimate with other men because quite honestly we men don’t understand intimacy well enough on our own so we need the woman to help us in our expression, and besides that it would just be weird! That is when the Lord allowed me to hear Mike Bickell of IHOP (International House of Prayer), give his definition of intimacy with God. Now I must admit that I could not quote it without misrepresenting him, but what I can do is share with you what the Lord spoke to me. The Lord made it very clear to me that I and I believe all single people can have intimacy with God to a greater degree than we can have with people. A type of intimacy that reaches to the very depths of our souls, and intimacy that exists without the trappings of lust and desire, an intimacy free off the sexual desire that is the result of the beauty and comfort of true and complete honesty and openness between two beings. For the first time in my life I truly understand what the Lord is saying when He says He desires to be intimate with His people, and quite honestly I think I like it. You see not only is this intimacy not clouded with physical attraction it is no longer clouded by opinion, emotional influence, fear, or any other of the worldly influences that so often inhibit true intimacy and honesty. Even in our deepest moments of honesty Dawn and I would often temper our communication in anticipation of the response we feared the other might have, in other words we were not always completely honest with each other. Guess what, I can’t help but be honest with God, He already knows my thoughts, my fears, and all of my conditions, so our intimacy can be nothing but true and real!
I would be lying to you if I didn’t tell you that I truly miss the physical side of my intimacy with Dawn, (no not just sex), there i said it. I miss her touch, her voice, her hand in mine, our talks, our times of laughter, and yes even our times of heated discussion, right now an argument with Dawn would bring me great joy, for at least I could see her, I could hear her, and yes we could make up, (many tears right now). But I know that this is not to be, however in her absence I am exploring and learning the meaning of true intimacy, and my Father can and will fill that role, and oh what a blessing it has become and will continue to be, intimacy without inhibition.
Gene Burroughs
Pastor Shasta Lake Church
Saturday, June 26, 2010
He is God in my grief
He is God even in my grief
I have decided today to begin to write about grief in a way that I have never before heard of, read, or known, from the honest perspective of one who has found himself for the fifth time in this life grieving the loss of a loved one. Maybe by doing so I can help both those who are grieving and those who just don’t know what to say to those of us who are. Oh and of course there is the third option, to those of you who think you know what to say but actually don’t. I truly don’t mean to be offensive but yes some of you truly do not know the correct way to support those suffering from grief, so maybe this will help.
It has become ever so clear to me of late that there are truly no words capable of describing the loss of one’s wife and possibly any close relative at such an early age. For every word I have written explaining how I feel there are ten I cannot write. The inability to locate words that can definitively express how one feels at such a time is all too real, it just cannot be done. How do you explain the feelings of emptiness, the habits that have been instantly broken, or the dreams that seemed so real and obtainable for your future that now have no meaning at all? How do you stop asking her questions when your cooking a meal, how do you stop waiting with the car running forgetting that she is not coming? How do you stop asking her about her day, or stop unloading on her about yours. How is it that you stop reaching for her in the night only to once again find an empty bed? How do you answer these same questions and more for your children and grandchildren, does anyone know? Before you answer can I tell you a secret; those who have been through it know the answer and they agree there is none. And those who attempt to answer have not been through this and in their futile effort to comfort, their attempts to explain it simply give them away as one’s who have never traveled this road or at least not for quite some time. Why do I bring this up, why have I chosen to write about such a depressing truth? Because the truth is no we are not ok, no we have not been able to move on, and the more honest we can be about that the better people can understand our actions, moods, and reactions. The slightest of things can cause us to once again relive the pain and realize that Dawn is not coming back, a sound, a smell, a song, or any one of hundreds of seemingly obscure and otherwise unnoticeable things. What is it you feel you ask? You feel the truth, you feel the raw emotion of her loss, suddenly anything you have forgotten or placed aside has been brought to you face to face and the pain comes upon you without warning, or compassion with one goal, to inflict pain.
The other day I was preparing dinner for the children and our guests, I find preparing a meal for others to be very rewarding and I take pride in customizing each meal to the needs and desires of everyone partaking. As I was preparing to add the garlic I looked up and as if Dawn was standing there I said; “I’ll go light on it honey I know that you don’t like too much garlic”. As soon as I spoke these words hope sprang into my heart, you see in that moment, for that second, it was only a nightmare, after all she must be there, I had spoken to her. Looking up again from my work I hoped with all that was within me that she would be standing next to me, but no she wasn’t, and once again I was reminded of the loss, the hurt, the pain! You see I know Dawn is gone, I know that this is not a nightmare, I know that nothing will bring her back, but my hope for the pain to end, is much stronger than the reality of her passing. As I stood there in anguish reliving the pain tears streaming from my face I sought comfort from the only real place I can find it these days, from the Lord! Oh God I cried out, you have brought me to this place, you are a God who is faithful, You are true, and You are just, and I know You love me, oh God give me the strength to survive this trial and thrive in Your glory, for I am nothing without You and without You I will cease to try! You see God truly is the only one who can bring true comfort to those who are grieving, He is the only true hope we have. People can say all of the right words, they can bring you meals, clean your home, and give financially, and all of those things are very important and comforting, we need them, they help in the healing process. But the comfort we need most is the comfort that some day we will be re-joined with our love ones, that some day we too will be changed in a moment and join them there with Christ. If He is God then I have hope, If He is not than all is lost, but this I know, That He is God, Amen.
Gene Burroughs
Servant of God
I have decided today to begin to write about grief in a way that I have never before heard of, read, or known, from the honest perspective of one who has found himself for the fifth time in this life grieving the loss of a loved one. Maybe by doing so I can help both those who are grieving and those who just don’t know what to say to those of us who are. Oh and of course there is the third option, to those of you who think you know what to say but actually don’t. I truly don’t mean to be offensive but yes some of you truly do not know the correct way to support those suffering from grief, so maybe this will help.
It has become ever so clear to me of late that there are truly no words capable of describing the loss of one’s wife and possibly any close relative at such an early age. For every word I have written explaining how I feel there are ten I cannot write. The inability to locate words that can definitively express how one feels at such a time is all too real, it just cannot be done. How do you explain the feelings of emptiness, the habits that have been instantly broken, or the dreams that seemed so real and obtainable for your future that now have no meaning at all? How do you stop asking her questions when your cooking a meal, how do you stop waiting with the car running forgetting that she is not coming? How do you stop asking her about her day, or stop unloading on her about yours. How is it that you stop reaching for her in the night only to once again find an empty bed? How do you answer these same questions and more for your children and grandchildren, does anyone know? Before you answer can I tell you a secret; those who have been through it know the answer and they agree there is none. And those who attempt to answer have not been through this and in their futile effort to comfort, their attempts to explain it simply give them away as one’s who have never traveled this road or at least not for quite some time. Why do I bring this up, why have I chosen to write about such a depressing truth? Because the truth is no we are not ok, no we have not been able to move on, and the more honest we can be about that the better people can understand our actions, moods, and reactions. The slightest of things can cause us to once again relive the pain and realize that Dawn is not coming back, a sound, a smell, a song, or any one of hundreds of seemingly obscure and otherwise unnoticeable things. What is it you feel you ask? You feel the truth, you feel the raw emotion of her loss, suddenly anything you have forgotten or placed aside has been brought to you face to face and the pain comes upon you without warning, or compassion with one goal, to inflict pain.
The other day I was preparing dinner for the children and our guests, I find preparing a meal for others to be very rewarding and I take pride in customizing each meal to the needs and desires of everyone partaking. As I was preparing to add the garlic I looked up and as if Dawn was standing there I said; “I’ll go light on it honey I know that you don’t like too much garlic”. As soon as I spoke these words hope sprang into my heart, you see in that moment, for that second, it was only a nightmare, after all she must be there, I had spoken to her. Looking up again from my work I hoped with all that was within me that she would be standing next to me, but no she wasn’t, and once again I was reminded of the loss, the hurt, the pain! You see I know Dawn is gone, I know that this is not a nightmare, I know that nothing will bring her back, but my hope for the pain to end, is much stronger than the reality of her passing. As I stood there in anguish reliving the pain tears streaming from my face I sought comfort from the only real place I can find it these days, from the Lord! Oh God I cried out, you have brought me to this place, you are a God who is faithful, You are true, and You are just, and I know You love me, oh God give me the strength to survive this trial and thrive in Your glory, for I am nothing without You and without You I will cease to try! You see God truly is the only one who can bring true comfort to those who are grieving, He is the only true hope we have. People can say all of the right words, they can bring you meals, clean your home, and give financially, and all of those things are very important and comforting, we need them, they help in the healing process. But the comfort we need most is the comfort that some day we will be re-joined with our love ones, that some day we too will be changed in a moment and join them there with Christ. If He is God then I have hope, If He is not than all is lost, but this I know, That He is God, Amen.
Gene Burroughs
Servant of God
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
This Side of Heaven
This side of heaven
Someday this will al make sense; every trial, every challenge, every ounce of pain and suffering will all make perfect sense, but not on this side of heaven. You see on this side of heaven we are given the opportunity to be tested, endure suffering, and to survive the greatest of trials. While on the inside of heaven, well truly we can only imagine. We know that there will be no pain, no heartache, no sorrow, no grief, and much more than that , well its a mystery. It is this side of heaven that each one of us are far too familiar with, we live in it each and every day, and every moment it reminds us of who and where we are!
While it would make great sense for me to desire to be in heaven now, rejoined with my bride, basking in the presence of God, I must admit that deep down I desire to for now remain on this side of heaven. I know that each one of us desire to have our suffering end, to take our place amongst those who have gone before us, I know that given a choice any reasonable person would choose to be in heaven as opposed to spending endless hours suffering on this earth. However, once we have made our final journey to our final destination it is then that life suddenly becomes about receiving our blessing, it is then that we are given the reward for our time spent on this side of heaven. But here, this is where we have been given the opportunity to make a difference for others, an opportunity to represent the God of all creation to His children. An opportunity to introduce children to the Father they have never known, a chance to give others the hope of heaven! Let me ask you, what other purpose do we serve, why else would we be asked to endure all that we do here on this earth? Yes I am confused, confused as to why anyone who proclaims Jesus as Lord would ever believe, or live as if this side of heaven was simply a place we hang out until we go home. I’m sorry but I do refuse to believe or accept fact that all there is to this life is suffering without purpose, comfort without cost, or pain without payment, yes our time this side of heaven must be lived knowing that we are here for a purpose! If we have no purpose we have no hope, without hope we are lost, and if we are lost we are no different than those who have never met Jesus.
I miss my wife more than I could have ever imagined, Dawn was my soul mate, my best friend, my partner in ministry, and my partner in life, and yes I miss her. I have been to the crossroad and I have made a choice, my choice is not to continue to serve God as I have. My choice is to serve Him with a greater fervor, a simpler faith, a more passionate desire, and with a greater sense of urgency than I ever have before! I refuse to dishonor her memory, to throw away thirty plus years of serving together, simply because of my loss, or out of fear of what lies ahead, or because I am mad at God. First of all I have not lost Dawn we will be together again only this time without all of the baggage on this side of heaven. Secondly after what we have been through there is nothing on this earth that I fear, God has been more than faithful to carry all of us through this trial and He has promised to continue to do so, and He will! And last but not least how can I be angry at the God who created this woman and loaned her to me for so long, this woman who bore three wonderful daughters full of grace, this woman who impacted so many lives, mine included. How can I be mad at the God who has carried me through, given me strength, given me hope, and transformed my life, how can I be mad at the God who has given me purpose?
Today I would like to ask you one question, “Are you living a life on this side of heaven worthy of the other side of heaven?” If not why not, if yes are you sure?
Gene Burroughs
Servant of God,
Someday this will al make sense; every trial, every challenge, every ounce of pain and suffering will all make perfect sense, but not on this side of heaven. You see on this side of heaven we are given the opportunity to be tested, endure suffering, and to survive the greatest of trials. While on the inside of heaven, well truly we can only imagine. We know that there will be no pain, no heartache, no sorrow, no grief, and much more than that , well its a mystery. It is this side of heaven that each one of us are far too familiar with, we live in it each and every day, and every moment it reminds us of who and where we are!
While it would make great sense for me to desire to be in heaven now, rejoined with my bride, basking in the presence of God, I must admit that deep down I desire to for now remain on this side of heaven. I know that each one of us desire to have our suffering end, to take our place amongst those who have gone before us, I know that given a choice any reasonable person would choose to be in heaven as opposed to spending endless hours suffering on this earth. However, once we have made our final journey to our final destination it is then that life suddenly becomes about receiving our blessing, it is then that we are given the reward for our time spent on this side of heaven. But here, this is where we have been given the opportunity to make a difference for others, an opportunity to represent the God of all creation to His children. An opportunity to introduce children to the Father they have never known, a chance to give others the hope of heaven! Let me ask you, what other purpose do we serve, why else would we be asked to endure all that we do here on this earth? Yes I am confused, confused as to why anyone who proclaims Jesus as Lord would ever believe, or live as if this side of heaven was simply a place we hang out until we go home. I’m sorry but I do refuse to believe or accept fact that all there is to this life is suffering without purpose, comfort without cost, or pain without payment, yes our time this side of heaven must be lived knowing that we are here for a purpose! If we have no purpose we have no hope, without hope we are lost, and if we are lost we are no different than those who have never met Jesus.
I miss my wife more than I could have ever imagined, Dawn was my soul mate, my best friend, my partner in ministry, and my partner in life, and yes I miss her. I have been to the crossroad and I have made a choice, my choice is not to continue to serve God as I have. My choice is to serve Him with a greater fervor, a simpler faith, a more passionate desire, and with a greater sense of urgency than I ever have before! I refuse to dishonor her memory, to throw away thirty plus years of serving together, simply because of my loss, or out of fear of what lies ahead, or because I am mad at God. First of all I have not lost Dawn we will be together again only this time without all of the baggage on this side of heaven. Secondly after what we have been through there is nothing on this earth that I fear, God has been more than faithful to carry all of us through this trial and He has promised to continue to do so, and He will! And last but not least how can I be angry at the God who created this woman and loaned her to me for so long, this woman who bore three wonderful daughters full of grace, this woman who impacted so many lives, mine included. How can I be mad at the God who has carried me through, given me strength, given me hope, and transformed my life, how can I be mad at the God who has given me purpose?
Today I would like to ask you one question, “Are you living a life on this side of heaven worthy of the other side of heaven?” If not why not, if yes are you sure?
Gene Burroughs
Servant of God,
Sunday, June 20, 2010
It is all about Choices
It’s all about Choosing
It has now been just a little over four weeks since Dawn left us and joined so many who have gone before us to be with the Father. It is with the deepest of honesty that I can say this has by far been the most emotionally trying time of my adult life. Never before since my teen years have I experienced such low lows, and so few highs on this roller coaster of emotions we often find ourselves on. In a life when things are at least somewhat normal we see high points as something we aspire to, an emotional point worthy of all of the effort we can muster in order to achieve it. However in times of grief we tend to see the high points as a place of great fear. Why you ask? Because you see in times of grieving we know there will be a fall, and the higher our joy the deeper our sorrow, or the greater the fall. We walk in a place of fear of joy as opposed to one of seeking joy, and of course along with that there are many dangers. One danger is the constantly looming depression, the kind that tugs at you seeking to draw you in and never let you go. Another are the thoughts of rebellion, and the anger at God that would bring nothing more than a very temporary relief followed by again bondage, yet now accompanied by hopelessness, again not an appealing thought. Then you have the temptation of ignoring your emotions, covering it all up so to speak by piling on any distraction you can think of in order to mask your pain. However this too will fail, for the intense pain caused by separation from our loved one will not allow itself to be bridled for long, soon it will find a way to erupt, and emotional eruptions are never the best way to deal with any situation. Yes I do speak as a man who now has firsthand knowledge of these and many more emotional scenarios and challenges, each one examined, weighed, and considered, some even practiced to a degree, and for me I have found the answer. You see the only answer I have found to be without fault, without consequence, without long term adverse effects is that once again I must trust in that which I do not see. I must place my hope in the one who gave His life for me, and believe that He has done the same for my treasured wife. If in fact I choose to continue on the same path that Dawn and I chose thirty plus years ago, (which I have) then I continue as well to honor her, I continue to be a man of faith. As a father I am re-enforcing everything that Dawn and I have taught our children (and many others) to believe they too now have the hope of Christ renewed. This choice is only one that has zero negative consequences, that’s right, zero, not one! Oh yes there are those who doubt and scoff, but may I say this to you: either you have never been in this situation, in which case you speak only from conjecture and opinion, which completely nullifies your point. For you see this is not an intellectual topic or struggle that can be explained away with head knowledge, this is an emotional struggle, filled with far too many nuances to be categorized. Or I would suggest that you doubt or scoff because you have experienced this pain first hand, and you have made the wrong choice in determining how you dealt with your pain, and now bitterness has taken hold.
My prayer for each of you that have experienced such tragedy would be that you (if you have not already) remove yourself from the bondage of anger and bitterness by seeking the only one who can redeem you, Jesus Christ, the Son of the living and loving God. And for those of you who will someday face the pain of loss, (which is the rest of you), I pray that you too will chose wisely, and place your trust and hope in the one who can be trusted with it, the great “I Am”.
Gene Burroughs Servant of the Most High God
It has now been just a little over four weeks since Dawn left us and joined so many who have gone before us to be with the Father. It is with the deepest of honesty that I can say this has by far been the most emotionally trying time of my adult life. Never before since my teen years have I experienced such low lows, and so few highs on this roller coaster of emotions we often find ourselves on. In a life when things are at least somewhat normal we see high points as something we aspire to, an emotional point worthy of all of the effort we can muster in order to achieve it. However in times of grief we tend to see the high points as a place of great fear. Why you ask? Because you see in times of grieving we know there will be a fall, and the higher our joy the deeper our sorrow, or the greater the fall. We walk in a place of fear of joy as opposed to one of seeking joy, and of course along with that there are many dangers. One danger is the constantly looming depression, the kind that tugs at you seeking to draw you in and never let you go. Another are the thoughts of rebellion, and the anger at God that would bring nothing more than a very temporary relief followed by again bondage, yet now accompanied by hopelessness, again not an appealing thought. Then you have the temptation of ignoring your emotions, covering it all up so to speak by piling on any distraction you can think of in order to mask your pain. However this too will fail, for the intense pain caused by separation from our loved one will not allow itself to be bridled for long, soon it will find a way to erupt, and emotional eruptions are never the best way to deal with any situation. Yes I do speak as a man who now has firsthand knowledge of these and many more emotional scenarios and challenges, each one examined, weighed, and considered, some even practiced to a degree, and for me I have found the answer. You see the only answer I have found to be without fault, without consequence, without long term adverse effects is that once again I must trust in that which I do not see. I must place my hope in the one who gave His life for me, and believe that He has done the same for my treasured wife. If in fact I choose to continue on the same path that Dawn and I chose thirty plus years ago, (which I have) then I continue as well to honor her, I continue to be a man of faith. As a father I am re-enforcing everything that Dawn and I have taught our children (and many others) to believe they too now have the hope of Christ renewed. This choice is only one that has zero negative consequences, that’s right, zero, not one! Oh yes there are those who doubt and scoff, but may I say this to you: either you have never been in this situation, in which case you speak only from conjecture and opinion, which completely nullifies your point. For you see this is not an intellectual topic or struggle that can be explained away with head knowledge, this is an emotional struggle, filled with far too many nuances to be categorized. Or I would suggest that you doubt or scoff because you have experienced this pain first hand, and you have made the wrong choice in determining how you dealt with your pain, and now bitterness has taken hold.
My prayer for each of you that have experienced such tragedy would be that you (if you have not already) remove yourself from the bondage of anger and bitterness by seeking the only one who can redeem you, Jesus Christ, the Son of the living and loving God. And for those of you who will someday face the pain of loss, (which is the rest of you), I pray that you too will chose wisely, and place your trust and hope in the one who can be trusted with it, the great “I Am”.
Gene Burroughs Servant of the Most High God
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