Happy Birthday Katie
January fifteenth 1982, it was a day long awaited by two very young, very happy, very in love people, a day that will never be forgotten. A day filled with such intense pain that no wonder on earth could ever , erase the memory, or so we thought. I remember as if it were yesterday Dawn waking me form my slumber, it’s time to go honey, Katie’s coming! At 4:10 am on January fifteenth 1982 I was handed the most amazing gift a father could ever ask for. Created in love, and birthed in pain, I held in my arms the very essence of love, never before could I have imagined the ability to love so quickly so deeply someone I had never met. I held in my hands flesh of my flesh bone of my bones and amidst streaming tears of joy, I now understood better the love the Father had for me. Dawn and I rejoiced over the treasure Katie was, the gift we knew came from above, and often Dawn would say, I can’t remember the pain, I’m to happy to.
As the years went by so many lessons learned, so many trials overcome, and so much joy from this precious gift. We loved to wait in room for the sound of shuffling feet as this bundle with a bulging diaper would launch herself into our bed. All too soon she left that bed, and our home, now starting her own, she too could now understand the depth of love that we have known. The bond between a parent and a child, one that can never be broken, no matter what the tragedy, not even by death.
No one can ever imagine, no matter how much they desire to, the depth of pain that our family has suffered over the past fourteen months, the tragedy, the heartbreak, the hopelessness, the fear, the anguish, and feelings so painful words would fail to describe them. Yet through it all the love of a family never fails, through it all the bond cannot be broken. No man could ever be prouder of a child than I am of Katie Ristow! She is truly a woman of God, she has more gifts and talents than the world will ever know, and her father on earth loves her as much as any earthly man could! We have been through the most intense of pain, and yes we have caused each other pain , something neither of us would ever desire to do, yet in our humanness we have. Never with intention, never with malice, never with forethought. There are no rules to grief, there are only truths, someday the pain subsides, someday the memories fade, and love never fails!
I love you Katie Ristow, you will always be my treasure, and I pray that today your day of first birth will be a most treasured day, one filled with memories, one filled with joy, one filled with love. And when you look into the eyes of your children, when you feel the flutter in your heart, I pray that you are reminded, that your daddy feels the same way toward you.
Happy Birthday Tater Bug!
Dad
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
We all grieve, but let us not grieve one another
The reality of grief is truly something I am convinced no one ever completely understands, even after having gone through it, there remains a true mystery about it. For each person the road to recovery from grief will take rather unexpected and unknown twists and turns,detours and road blocks, most of which are completely random. One minute you are up the next your down, then just when you think you have a handle on it, it slips away reminding you that no one can have a handle on grief it is grief which must release its hold on you. True freedom can only be found if and when your grief has been completely satisfied, and like a well fed dog, it will then take rest. My daughter Katie mentioned something to me that made great sense, she noted that unlike her we (Natalie, Michaela, and I ), were forced to face our grief everyday, she on the other hand was distracted to a certain degree. After all she is a stay at home mom with two children, a husband, a ministry of worship as well as a ministry her and her husband share in with college age adults. There is obviously more than enough here to occupy her time and her mind. You see with the girls and I we were and are, sharpening each other every day, each one of us is dealing with some facet of Dawn's loss. Therefore each of us likewise finds ourselves dealing with the same emotions and trials of the other as we do our best to comfort one another. This constant buffering and sharpening, a challenging that has drawn the three of us in to a bond that few family members will ever be able to share, one that I personally find priceless. I could never imagine having this type of relationship with my own father. We have laughed together, cried together, traveled, picked out grave markers, lived in the house, slept in the bed, smelled the fragrances, and so much more, everyday we have been surrounded by everything that reminds us of Dawn. We have packed her clothes, gone through her jewelry, read her books, slept in her blankets, and even dumped her meds. We have washed her dogs, worn her jackets, cried at the drop of the hat for no reason, and we have prayed daily for answers and yes we have wondered why she has left us. We have tried to fill the holes in our hearts with any sort of pleasure or activity only to find them still there and growing. Yes, we have grieved, more than anyone will ever know and more than anyone could ever imagine, and yes we still miss her, and yes we still love her and forever that will be the case. The girls and I have by the worlds standards dealt with our grief rather quickly, I believe do to the very reasons I have stated above. The reality is that each and every one of us face tough situations and challenges, grief, loss, and more all on a different level, we achieve victory at different times, and even some unfortunately never do overcome the pain. The greatest challenge I believe being for each one of us to accept the fact that this is the case, that my grief or lack their of is not right, nor wrong, no more than anyone elses. The reality is we all handle things differently based on more factors than we can possibly imagine and no matter what the world says there is no set time for any person to overcome grief. I was married to Dawn for thirty-one years and served her not until her death, but even today, as the father of our children. I will always honor and cherish her even beyond death, far beyond the promise I made to her on December 9th 1978 "till death do us part". The bible tells us you will know a tree by its fruit, and I am proud to say that Dawn and I produced good fruit, and that fruit is continuing to grow even today. I remember the first time I saw someone pruning a tree, to my untrained eye I thought they were killing it. However as I became educated in the practice of horticulture I was able to understand that without proper pruning a tree cannot bear healthy fruit. I was wrong to judge that man on the ladder until I sought the truth, little did I know at the time he cared much more for the tree than I. No one cares more for my children and their future than I, too bad so many have judged otherwise. I am not a lovesick man seeking to fulfill my desires, I am a father, a housekeeper, a nurse, a nanny, a pastor, and much more, and I have made recent decisions based upon what I believe is best, as well as what the Lord has spoken to my heart. My life will no longer be an open book, nor will it be for my children (at home), the pain of rejection by uninformed well meaning friends is more than we can bare. I will end with a statement the Lord spoke to my heart a few days ago: "Even God doesn't meet the expectations of men, otherwise they would all believe." Knowing this makes it a little easier for me to understand, but it will never heal the scars or lessen the pain. I and the girls have fallen in love with a wonderful woman of God whom He has placed in our lives, she is not here to take Dawns place, she has been sent hear to care for her treasures. My prayer for you tonight is this: that just as I learned from watching the man care for the tree, no matter what I thought, he loved it more than me.
Gene Burroughs
Gene Burroughs
Monday, January 3, 2011
A New Chapter Begins
Living in the public eye is by no means all it is cracked up to be. When every move you make, every decision or action by you and your family is under constant scrutiny it can be very difficult to say the least. Such is however the life of a Pastor and thus you accept this responsibility as you do many others. Anytime you take even the slightest often non-controversial action criticism and comment is very quick to follow. In the past I have chosen to be a upfront about my feelings and the actions our family takes in order to quench as best possible the fiery darts of our adversary. Hence the reason for writing this letter, there are very big changes coming to the Burroughs household, some that have and will cause no small stirring. In order to best explain I am choosing to start at the beginning of the saga and possibly shed light on fears, concerns, and questions people may have. In October of 2010 when Dawn was diagnosed with terminal cancer I felt as though my world had come to an end. The grief that we felt as a family was beyond comprehension, the pain at times unbearable, and the fear of our future gripped our hearts, rarely letting go. Yes we had the promises of God and yes we knew where Dawn would spend eternity however the reality of her impending death of course overwhelmed our family. WIthout the support and prayers of so many of you we would have never made it through this extremely difficult time in our life. Dawn and I planned the future for Natalie, Michaela, and I, (Katie being married chooses her own), we spoke of where to live, the condition of our finances, and so much more, Dawn was very worried about how I would be able to do it all. She even made me promise to remarry someday, because the girls would need a woman’s touch and have someone to confide in. She was very specific as to who this person would be, someone who loved God, would love the girls, someone who could put up with me, (yes she said that) and her final requirement was no weirdos (that too). By the time Dawn passed I had been grieving for a number of months and honestly while it was a terrifying thing to see in the flesh, I was relieved for her, after all we knew where she had gone. Natalie Michaela and I have spent the time since building a relationship that I dare say very few men have ever had the pleasure of experiencing with their daughters. We have laughed, cried, prayed, traveled, fought, talked until wee hours, and so so much more! Many of the decisions I have made regarding our grieving process have received no small dose of criticism and while I have made mistakes with the Lord’s help we have truly done very well. We discuss everything, and yes I have even purchased some very private items for them, becoming rather well versed in the latest female fashion items. I can even hold a lengthy conversation on the best place to purchase your groceries, the most effective laundry detergent, and how to cook on the fly. Yes the girls have even helped me in the Church, they have given me freedom to minister, they have reminded me all too often when I have gotten a little to out there or spent too much time away from them. Did I mention, if so it is worth mentioning again, we have become inseparable, they truly are my life.
In August of this year and old friend (Deborah) who had lost her husband to cancer a year before Dawn’s passing came to Church and gave me some books on grief. Her husband and her family ministered in San Francisco and on many occasions we had served together with Outreach America and had remained in contact over the past thirteen or so years.. At the time of Brian's death they were Pastoring the Four Square Church in Red Bluff Ca. Deborah continued to attend our Church as she felt the Lord was calling her to this ministry and within a relatively short time she felt the Lord had made it clear to her that we were to be wed at some point. This was information she felt free to share with me which made me very uncomfortable, as I was in no way ready to even consider beginning a relationship with another woman. My heart still belonged to Dawn and nothing or know one would ever be allowed to come between me and the girls, I was convinced I could never love again. After several months of correspondence we arrived to the holiday season and I of course was still holding my heart captive and was not open to a relationship. Then, out of the mouth of babes (Natalie and Michaela) came a rebuke as to why I was being so rude to this nice lady Deborah. After some thought and prayer I asked the Lord to change my heart if I was being disobedient, and immediately things began to happen. Within the hour a prophet friend called and eluded to the fact that I was to enter in to a relationship, that there would be no lack of confrontations, that I was to progress as He led, step by step. The long story short is that Natalie and Michaela have fallen in love with Deborah, they laugh again, they play again, and they are happier than I have seen then since mom was diagnosed. I too fell in love with this woman of God as we began to pray and share our vision for ministry. Scriptures began to come and every day (often multiple times) we would receive confirmation and prophetic words encouraging us that this was the Lord’s plan for our lives. Natalie and Michaela have been in on every key discussion about the future and have agreed that they would like Debbie to be their step mother. All of us acknowledge that know one could replace Dawn, she was the love of my life the Children’s mother, and so much more, and she will never be forgotten. However we also acknowledge that in our life we need a help mate, dad can only do so much and lets face it with Michaela quickly approaching thirteen a woman’s touch is much appreciated. I must say however Thank You to all of the women who have taken my daughters under your wing s’ and blessed them and in such an amazing way. Therefore after much prayer and over forty days of fasting and receiving confirmation upon confirmation, I have asked deborah Officer to be my wife, to partner with me in raising the girls as well as standing beside me as we Pastor the Church. She has of course agreed to do so and there will come a day when the wedding will take place that has yet to be determined.
Many have stated things like: "it's too soon", or your "not through grieving", or any other number of statements, comments, far too many to list here. May I say this, I have asked myself all of them, most of them Natalie and Michaela have joined me in addressing, and Deborah and her children have been going through this process as well. This is no small decision to be taken lightly and let me assure you that it has not been. This decision has been bathed in prayer, confirmed with scriptures, dreams, affirmation, and miraculous works which we someday hope will be detailed in a book. We believe that the transformation in our hearts, the clarity of vision, the unity of spirits, has come about only as the result of the Lord's leading. Yes feelings and hearts are hurting and will be hurt, however we are not to allow those, nor any of our emotions to determine the path we choose. We are instead directed to call upon the Lord, to seek His will, we are called to obey a higher calling than that of our flesh, and we believe that this is what we have chosen to do. For decades my life has been an open book, for over fourteen months you have read of our pain, felt your own, prayed for us, held us, fed us, loved us, and you have supported us, today we would ask that you would continue to do so. We have many challenges ahead, but we know the Lord is going before us hence we are able to stand and withstand clothed in the full armor of God.
Dear friends I end with these words: please trust that these are not the actions of a desperate or lonely man or woman, this is not the result of someone delirious from grief. Natalie and Michaela do not love Deborah because she has taken them shopping, or because of things she has done, they love her because they see Jesus in her, and the love she has for them. They have not been deceived nor wooed into a stupor, these are the daughters of Dawn and she raised them to know better. As for myself, I have heard from the Lord, I love Deborah with all of my heart and if you know me at all you know that when i have heard clearly from the Lord nothing will deter me, not even myself. As for when we will marry I gave the Natalie and Michaela that decision before their mother passed away and they retain that same decision making power today. I know you have many questions, concerns, and even comments, please do not allow the enemy to run scenarios and cause dissension and gossip,we all know those are dangerous things. Our family will work through this as we always have, with the support of those who love us, the prayers of the saints, and most of all with the protection and guidance of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Gene Burroughs
Servant of God
In August of this year and old friend (Deborah) who had lost her husband to cancer a year before Dawn’s passing came to Church and gave me some books on grief. Her husband and her family ministered in San Francisco and on many occasions we had served together with Outreach America and had remained in contact over the past thirteen or so years.. At the time of Brian's death they were Pastoring the Four Square Church in Red Bluff Ca. Deborah continued to attend our Church as she felt the Lord was calling her to this ministry and within a relatively short time she felt the Lord had made it clear to her that we were to be wed at some point. This was information she felt free to share with me which made me very uncomfortable, as I was in no way ready to even consider beginning a relationship with another woman. My heart still belonged to Dawn and nothing or know one would ever be allowed to come between me and the girls, I was convinced I could never love again. After several months of correspondence we arrived to the holiday season and I of course was still holding my heart captive and was not open to a relationship. Then, out of the mouth of babes (Natalie and Michaela) came a rebuke as to why I was being so rude to this nice lady Deborah. After some thought and prayer I asked the Lord to change my heart if I was being disobedient, and immediately things began to happen. Within the hour a prophet friend called and eluded to the fact that I was to enter in to a relationship, that there would be no lack of confrontations, that I was to progress as He led, step by step. The long story short is that Natalie and Michaela have fallen in love with Deborah, they laugh again, they play again, and they are happier than I have seen then since mom was diagnosed. I too fell in love with this woman of God as we began to pray and share our vision for ministry. Scriptures began to come and every day (often multiple times) we would receive confirmation and prophetic words encouraging us that this was the Lord’s plan for our lives. Natalie and Michaela have been in on every key discussion about the future and have agreed that they would like Debbie to be their step mother. All of us acknowledge that know one could replace Dawn, she was the love of my life the Children’s mother, and so much more, and she will never be forgotten. However we also acknowledge that in our life we need a help mate, dad can only do so much and lets face it with Michaela quickly approaching thirteen a woman’s touch is much appreciated. I must say however Thank You to all of the women who have taken my daughters under your wing s’ and blessed them and in such an amazing way. Therefore after much prayer and over forty days of fasting and receiving confirmation upon confirmation, I have asked deborah Officer to be my wife, to partner with me in raising the girls as well as standing beside me as we Pastor the Church. She has of course agreed to do so and there will come a day when the wedding will take place that has yet to be determined.
Many have stated things like: "it's too soon", or your "not through grieving", or any other number of statements, comments, far too many to list here. May I say this, I have asked myself all of them, most of them Natalie and Michaela have joined me in addressing, and Deborah and her children have been going through this process as well. This is no small decision to be taken lightly and let me assure you that it has not been. This decision has been bathed in prayer, confirmed with scriptures, dreams, affirmation, and miraculous works which we someday hope will be detailed in a book. We believe that the transformation in our hearts, the clarity of vision, the unity of spirits, has come about only as the result of the Lord's leading. Yes feelings and hearts are hurting and will be hurt, however we are not to allow those, nor any of our emotions to determine the path we choose. We are instead directed to call upon the Lord, to seek His will, we are called to obey a higher calling than that of our flesh, and we believe that this is what we have chosen to do. For decades my life has been an open book, for over fourteen months you have read of our pain, felt your own, prayed for us, held us, fed us, loved us, and you have supported us, today we would ask that you would continue to do so. We have many challenges ahead, but we know the Lord is going before us hence we are able to stand and withstand clothed in the full armor of God.
Dear friends I end with these words: please trust that these are not the actions of a desperate or lonely man or woman, this is not the result of someone delirious from grief. Natalie and Michaela do not love Deborah because she has taken them shopping, or because of things she has done, they love her because they see Jesus in her, and the love she has for them. They have not been deceived nor wooed into a stupor, these are the daughters of Dawn and she raised them to know better. As for myself, I have heard from the Lord, I love Deborah with all of my heart and if you know me at all you know that when i have heard clearly from the Lord nothing will deter me, not even myself. As for when we will marry I gave the Natalie and Michaela that decision before their mother passed away and they retain that same decision making power today. I know you have many questions, concerns, and even comments, please do not allow the enemy to run scenarios and cause dissension and gossip,we all know those are dangerous things. Our family will work through this as we always have, with the support of those who love us, the prayers of the saints, and most of all with the protection and guidance of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Gene Burroughs
Servant of God
Friday, December 24, 2010
A New Day
In August of 2009 the Lord began drawing me in to a time of transformation like none I could have ever imagined, one that would transform me and all of those around me for a lifetime. Mind you this was not an event that would soon take place and much like a good Church service or camp transform you until reality crept back in. No, this was a literal transformation of mind, body, and spirit triggered first by a call and secondly by a catastrophic event. You see first the Lord prepared my heart and mind to receive change, then the change came, this process allowed me to not be so impacted by the events to follow that I could not appreciate and accept from whence they came. The call was to leave our Church of thirty plus years where I had served for over twenty nine years and take a struggling and trying work in a nearby town. The second much more catastrophic event being the diagnosis of my wife with late stage terminal cancer and her subsequent death just six short months later. The ensuing transformation has been one of unexplainable pain and emotion, needless to say exhausting. This transformation however was needed and has come to be appreciated by this Pastor as one worth every moment of suffering, anguish, doubt, fear, and loss. Prior to this I was constantly searching for what the Lord had for me, so much so that when it was right in front of me I couldn’t recognize it! My life was filled with dreams that rarely came true, unrealistic aspirations, and distractions that were allowed to keep me form intimacy with God, my wife, my family, and anyone else with whom I had contact. Oh yes I was committed to service, yes I loved the Lord, and yes I was faithful, however there is so much more that He desires for us.
In the ensuing months I have truly learned what it means to be intimate with God, to trust Him for everything, to be unable to function without Him. He has shown me what it means what it truly means for Him to be my all in all,. Nights without sleep, days without rest, months without companionship all have led to a transformation of heart, mind, and spirit, that will prevent the old man from ever resurfacing again. For so many years my spouse, my family, and friends would attempt in every way to show and convince me of God’s love for me, how I needed not do anything to earn it, but rather just bask in and receive it. Yet only the Lord my God could change the heart and mind of a man formed and shaped by the harshness of this world. Only the one true God could cause this transformation, and knowing the cost He saw it was best for me, my family, and so many more! Have I arrived to a place of eternal bliss and understanding so grand that I may never fail again? No I have only arrived at this destination, at this place and time and each day begins a new, each day I await His direction for me.
Regrets you ask? I have many. The should have, could have demon is alive and well at times in all of our lives, but we must remember the past is not our home, we live for the moment. Each moment of our existence upon this earth may be our last, hence we should act and live as such. To say I have regrets is to say that I do not believe in the divine power of God, it is to say that I have chosen not only my destiny but that of others as well. This is not a responsibility or a burden I will choose to bear or accept, for you see it is He who determines our time upon this earth, our destiny, our entire being, and He alone. The only part we play in this role is truly how much we will learn, obey, grow, effect others, and enjoy the adventure.
Yes my life has changed I am more in love now than ever, with my God, my children, grandchildren, people, ministry, and more. Yes I have again found love, a deeper than imaginable love, a love for my God that has transformed who I am, a love worth dying for. No longer do I wander seeking to find my way, but rather now I wonder at who He is and why He loves me so. How can such love come form such great tragedy you ask? I ask how can anything but love come forth when you see the God of all creation active and alive in your life, doing all He can to bring you to a place of wholeness and completeness in Him.
From this day forward I will begin to write about the new chapter in my life, I will no longer look at life through glasses filtered with “Life After Loss” because what I have lost is not lost at all. Dawn is with the Lord in heaven, the one thing we all aspire for she has received, she is complete therefore she has been found. All I have lost is her earthly companionship, nothing else has gone away the rest remains permanently etched into my very being. What I have gained is new life, comfort with God, a deep relationship with my children, and a greater understanding and drive for God’s will for me, I have gained the true meaning of intimacy.
Having experienced the tragedy, the pain, the fear, and so much more, so much more than mere words could ever describe, I end with these words: “it was worth the pain, and I would never go back, the future is to bright and today is a new day”
Merry Christmas to all of you and thank you so much for your love and support through this most trying time of my life.
Gene Burroughs
Servant
In the ensuing months I have truly learned what it means to be intimate with God, to trust Him for everything, to be unable to function without Him. He has shown me what it means what it truly means for Him to be my all in all,. Nights without sleep, days without rest, months without companionship all have led to a transformation of heart, mind, and spirit, that will prevent the old man from ever resurfacing again. For so many years my spouse, my family, and friends would attempt in every way to show and convince me of God’s love for me, how I needed not do anything to earn it, but rather just bask in and receive it. Yet only the Lord my God could change the heart and mind of a man formed and shaped by the harshness of this world. Only the one true God could cause this transformation, and knowing the cost He saw it was best for me, my family, and so many more! Have I arrived to a place of eternal bliss and understanding so grand that I may never fail again? No I have only arrived at this destination, at this place and time and each day begins a new, each day I await His direction for me.
Regrets you ask? I have many. The should have, could have demon is alive and well at times in all of our lives, but we must remember the past is not our home, we live for the moment. Each moment of our existence upon this earth may be our last, hence we should act and live as such. To say I have regrets is to say that I do not believe in the divine power of God, it is to say that I have chosen not only my destiny but that of others as well. This is not a responsibility or a burden I will choose to bear or accept, for you see it is He who determines our time upon this earth, our destiny, our entire being, and He alone. The only part we play in this role is truly how much we will learn, obey, grow, effect others, and enjoy the adventure.
Yes my life has changed I am more in love now than ever, with my God, my children, grandchildren, people, ministry, and more. Yes I have again found love, a deeper than imaginable love, a love for my God that has transformed who I am, a love worth dying for. No longer do I wander seeking to find my way, but rather now I wonder at who He is and why He loves me so. How can such love come form such great tragedy you ask? I ask how can anything but love come forth when you see the God of all creation active and alive in your life, doing all He can to bring you to a place of wholeness and completeness in Him.
From this day forward I will begin to write about the new chapter in my life, I will no longer look at life through glasses filtered with “Life After Loss” because what I have lost is not lost at all. Dawn is with the Lord in heaven, the one thing we all aspire for she has received, she is complete therefore she has been found. All I have lost is her earthly companionship, nothing else has gone away the rest remains permanently etched into my very being. What I have gained is new life, comfort with God, a deep relationship with my children, and a greater understanding and drive for God’s will for me, I have gained the true meaning of intimacy.
Having experienced the tragedy, the pain, the fear, and so much more, so much more than mere words could ever describe, I end with these words: “it was worth the pain, and I would never go back, the future is to bright and today is a new day”
Merry Christmas to all of you and thank you so much for your love and support through this most trying time of my life.
Gene Burroughs
Servant
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
I give myself away
I Give myself away
Earlier this week the lord placed a statement upon my heart, one that soon became my posting on Facebook: “I give myself away”. Little did I know the power of that statement or the effect it would have on my life in the ensuing days. Soon after my posting someone I care very much about and for commented that I should look up the song by the same name on youtube, and so I did. While this song and those who perform it (William Mcdowell), have moved me greatly I have quickly come to recognize the hand of God directing me to an amazing place of fellowship and commitment to Him as a result. The statement “I give myself away so you can use me” simply will not leave my mind, nor do I desire it to. This morning in my quiet time with the Lord I asked Him to give me a message of great power for those who would take away from their valuable time to read these ramblings of his servant and He was so quick to answer. He led me to listen to the song not just once but twice and had it not been for the river of tears flowing from my face I would be listening still. The tears however were not because of the powerful voice, great back-ups or instrumentals in the song, no the tears were born deep in the heart and the mind of a man filled with pain, fear, anxiety, and questions. As you all should know the past year was no doubt the most difficult year of my life, we left our Church of 31 yrs. to begin a new work. Dawn is diagnosed with terminal illness and soon joins the Lord, followed by more questions, doubts, fears, and so much more than could be written about in a thousand years. Had it not been for His faithfulness I would have not made it. Reflecting upon these things I had come to the somewhat arrogant position of believing that I had a handle on my walk with God, that somehow I had given all away in order that He might use me. I began tis adventure not knowing how to survive without Dawn and now have come to a place that I could not have ever been had she survived and were here with me know. This place of living each day knowing that anything or anyone He removes from my life is ultimately for His greater good, and mine as well. It is not a contest between the Lord and I to see how much pain we can endure before He bails us out, no this is not a game, this is life, a life committed to giving it all away to serve Him.
This morning I truly gave it all away, every desire, every want, every fear, every question, every doubt, every sin, every care, they are all His. You see it’s not that I don’t care any more, it’s that suddenly and truly nothing else matters. What greater joy can there be than to be in a place where the cares of this world truly do not matter, a place where you absolutely trust Him for everything. I don’t mean saying that we trust him and then worrying about the outcome, no I mean trusting Him and walking away knowing that every plan and purpose He has is going to bless us and work out for His greater glory. I have given it all away today, I watched in my mind’s eye this morning as every worldly possession I had was handed over to Him, every care, every vehicle, every hobby, every passion, everyone I love, and so much more, I have given them all to Him. I have given them now in such a way that they are His, and I cannot have them to use unless He so wishes or considers it best for me. He can lock them up, He can destroy them, He can give them away, or He can allow me to use them, bu they are His, and I trust Him completely with them. A dear friend who has been through the same loss shared that this was the culmination of her healing, the day she gae it all away. Could it be that we are all in some form of grief and giving it all away is the only true way to a complete and absolute healing?
What do I expect in return you ask? “I give myself away so you can use me.” You see none of these things ever belonged to me I just assumed they did, after all I collected them correct? No they never were mine, if they were permanently mine wouldn’t I own them forever? What is it we take with us when we leave this earth, is there any single thing that is allowed to join us on the other side? I am convinced that the fishing pole my father was buried with remains to this day in his coffin and yes in a rather deteriorated state. The only thing we take with us my friends is the stuff we rarely see, the lives that were touched, the souls that were won, the smiles of those whom we have blessed, the things not of this world those are the things we can collect and carry over and nothing more!
Another lesson I have learned in my life that has been reemphasized this year is that “you cannot outlive God” but live trying. Job received a double blessing from God for His trials, he lived a good long life, and in his trials he gave it all away and found what mattered most. Everything I have given the Lord has been redeemed, even Dawn, her memory never fades, her influence lives on, but she is the Lords completely now.
I now longer own anything I have given it all away, and today my burden is so light, He is truly all I need, He will sustain me, and he will use me. Please consider joining me in this radical style of living, it requires little change and the blessing is beyond all measure and imagination. Take those things that you are hanging on to and give them back to their rightful owner, tell the Lord, “My life is not my own I give it all to you, so you can use me” you will not be disappointed.
Gene Burroughs
Servant
Earlier this week the lord placed a statement upon my heart, one that soon became my posting on Facebook: “I give myself away”. Little did I know the power of that statement or the effect it would have on my life in the ensuing days. Soon after my posting someone I care very much about and for commented that I should look up the song by the same name on youtube, and so I did. While this song and those who perform it (William Mcdowell), have moved me greatly I have quickly come to recognize the hand of God directing me to an amazing place of fellowship and commitment to Him as a result. The statement “I give myself away so you can use me” simply will not leave my mind, nor do I desire it to. This morning in my quiet time with the Lord I asked Him to give me a message of great power for those who would take away from their valuable time to read these ramblings of his servant and He was so quick to answer. He led me to listen to the song not just once but twice and had it not been for the river of tears flowing from my face I would be listening still. The tears however were not because of the powerful voice, great back-ups or instrumentals in the song, no the tears were born deep in the heart and the mind of a man filled with pain, fear, anxiety, and questions. As you all should know the past year was no doubt the most difficult year of my life, we left our Church of 31 yrs. to begin a new work. Dawn is diagnosed with terminal illness and soon joins the Lord, followed by more questions, doubts, fears, and so much more than could be written about in a thousand years. Had it not been for His faithfulness I would have not made it. Reflecting upon these things I had come to the somewhat arrogant position of believing that I had a handle on my walk with God, that somehow I had given all away in order that He might use me. I began tis adventure not knowing how to survive without Dawn and now have come to a place that I could not have ever been had she survived and were here with me know. This place of living each day knowing that anything or anyone He removes from my life is ultimately for His greater good, and mine as well. It is not a contest between the Lord and I to see how much pain we can endure before He bails us out, no this is not a game, this is life, a life committed to giving it all away to serve Him.
This morning I truly gave it all away, every desire, every want, every fear, every question, every doubt, every sin, every care, they are all His. You see it’s not that I don’t care any more, it’s that suddenly and truly nothing else matters. What greater joy can there be than to be in a place where the cares of this world truly do not matter, a place where you absolutely trust Him for everything. I don’t mean saying that we trust him and then worrying about the outcome, no I mean trusting Him and walking away knowing that every plan and purpose He has is going to bless us and work out for His greater glory. I have given it all away today, I watched in my mind’s eye this morning as every worldly possession I had was handed over to Him, every care, every vehicle, every hobby, every passion, everyone I love, and so much more, I have given them all to Him. I have given them now in such a way that they are His, and I cannot have them to use unless He so wishes or considers it best for me. He can lock them up, He can destroy them, He can give them away, or He can allow me to use them, bu they are His, and I trust Him completely with them. A dear friend who has been through the same loss shared that this was the culmination of her healing, the day she gae it all away. Could it be that we are all in some form of grief and giving it all away is the only true way to a complete and absolute healing?
What do I expect in return you ask? “I give myself away so you can use me.” You see none of these things ever belonged to me I just assumed they did, after all I collected them correct? No they never were mine, if they were permanently mine wouldn’t I own them forever? What is it we take with us when we leave this earth, is there any single thing that is allowed to join us on the other side? I am convinced that the fishing pole my father was buried with remains to this day in his coffin and yes in a rather deteriorated state. The only thing we take with us my friends is the stuff we rarely see, the lives that were touched, the souls that were won, the smiles of those whom we have blessed, the things not of this world those are the things we can collect and carry over and nothing more!
Another lesson I have learned in my life that has been reemphasized this year is that “you cannot outlive God” but live trying. Job received a double blessing from God for His trials, he lived a good long life, and in his trials he gave it all away and found what mattered most. Everything I have given the Lord has been redeemed, even Dawn, her memory never fades, her influence lives on, but she is the Lords completely now.
I now longer own anything I have given it all away, and today my burden is so light, He is truly all I need, He will sustain me, and he will use me. Please consider joining me in this radical style of living, it requires little change and the blessing is beyond all measure and imagination. Take those things that you are hanging on to and give them back to their rightful owner, tell the Lord, “My life is not my own I give it all to you, so you can use me” you will not be disappointed.
Gene Burroughs
Servant
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Turn on the light
This morning I was in the midst of an hour and a half long phone conversation with my mom
when the Lord used that conversation to reveal something quite interesting to me. I was sharing with her how so many times the Lord will use seemingly small phrases, or words to open up the floodgates of change, or blessing. For example when the Lord says I will redeem you, the true action of that statement sets in motion a chain of events that impacts a person for an eternity! I was looking at one of the lamps in our living room, where recently the small knob that controls the light broke in half, and it suddenly became extremely difficult to turn on that light. I was no longer able to shed light in the room. I found myself quite frustrated, I would try to turn the knob with all my might yet to no avail. I decided to use a tool to get a better grip on the knob and succeeded only in damaging it further. After weeks of frustration and sitting in the dark a trip to the local hardware store and sixty nine cents plus tax and minimal effort solved my problem. Once again there is light in the room, the darkness is now being shut out by the simple turn of a switch. A switch very similar to the one that just went off in many of our heads, a switch that takes us from a place of assumption and scenario, to a place of fact and truth.
You see we all have them, these switch moments, times when the senseless makes sense and the unreasonable becomes acceptable or even desired. I have recently had one of those switches turned on in my life in regards to Dawn’s passing, one I feel compelled to share. I like many others have asked this question of God: “why, why God did you take her?” Yes while I too asked that question on occasion it is no longer a question I ask nor one that I would ever ask again. Not because I have this great faith and stand firm on the belief that all God does is good and for His glory, (which I do believe) but no rather because of the fact that He has never shown me or anyone else reason to doubt Him, or His love for us. You see we may think we have reason when in reality we do not, we don’t have the ability to comprehend or understand the things of God well enough to question His actions. What we do have is evidence of His love, His promises, His desire to be reconciled with us, and many more promises. Yes I loved my wife more than anyone could ever love their spouse, I was faithful to her in all ways as she was to me, and yes I struggled with anger and questions, but as one on the front lines of this situation often standing alone in my decisions the only question I have of God is, “what's next Lord?” The past became the past the moment it was no longer the present and the past cannot be changed we should only learn from the past and use it to enhance our future, but never use it to identify who we are, or control where we are going. I spent over thirty five years with Dawn and we were married for thirty one years five months and nine days, and every day we learned and grew together, and the greatest thing we learned was to follow God, and now she is being rewarded in His prescience. I and the girls are here, we are going through life day by day, and we are trusting in our God, some days are difficult some not so much so, and the harder days are becoming fewer and farther between. What does this have to do with the lamp you ask? Let me say this, a switch has been turned and the darkness is gone, no more tools, no more frustration, no more fear, no more questions. I know beyond doubt that the Lord has a plan for my family and I as well as all of those who were impacted by this amazing woman of God, and that plan does not include Dawn. If you are waiting for answers, look again, I believe you will find them and when you do you will see that this present day and the future should God tarry is rather bright! Oh and for those of you struggling with sin, get the knob and turn on the light, yes it is that simple!
Gene Burroughs
when the Lord used that conversation to reveal something quite interesting to me. I was sharing with her how so many times the Lord will use seemingly small phrases, or words to open up the floodgates of change, or blessing. For example when the Lord says I will redeem you, the true action of that statement sets in motion a chain of events that impacts a person for an eternity! I was looking at one of the lamps in our living room, where recently the small knob that controls the light broke in half, and it suddenly became extremely difficult to turn on that light. I was no longer able to shed light in the room. I found myself quite frustrated, I would try to turn the knob with all my might yet to no avail. I decided to use a tool to get a better grip on the knob and succeeded only in damaging it further. After weeks of frustration and sitting in the dark a trip to the local hardware store and sixty nine cents plus tax and minimal effort solved my problem. Once again there is light in the room, the darkness is now being shut out by the simple turn of a switch. A switch very similar to the one that just went off in many of our heads, a switch that takes us from a place of assumption and scenario, to a place of fact and truth.
You see we all have them, these switch moments, times when the senseless makes sense and the unreasonable becomes acceptable or even desired. I have recently had one of those switches turned on in my life in regards to Dawn’s passing, one I feel compelled to share. I like many others have asked this question of God: “why, why God did you take her?” Yes while I too asked that question on occasion it is no longer a question I ask nor one that I would ever ask again. Not because I have this great faith and stand firm on the belief that all God does is good and for His glory, (which I do believe) but no rather because of the fact that He has never shown me or anyone else reason to doubt Him, or His love for us. You see we may think we have reason when in reality we do not, we don’t have the ability to comprehend or understand the things of God well enough to question His actions. What we do have is evidence of His love, His promises, His desire to be reconciled with us, and many more promises. Yes I loved my wife more than anyone could ever love their spouse, I was faithful to her in all ways as she was to me, and yes I struggled with anger and questions, but as one on the front lines of this situation often standing alone in my decisions the only question I have of God is, “what's next Lord?” The past became the past the moment it was no longer the present and the past cannot be changed we should only learn from the past and use it to enhance our future, but never use it to identify who we are, or control where we are going. I spent over thirty five years with Dawn and we were married for thirty one years five months and nine days, and every day we learned and grew together, and the greatest thing we learned was to follow God, and now she is being rewarded in His prescience. I and the girls are here, we are going through life day by day, and we are trusting in our God, some days are difficult some not so much so, and the harder days are becoming fewer and farther between. What does this have to do with the lamp you ask? Let me say this, a switch has been turned and the darkness is gone, no more tools, no more frustration, no more fear, no more questions. I know beyond doubt that the Lord has a plan for my family and I as well as all of those who were impacted by this amazing woman of God, and that plan does not include Dawn. If you are waiting for answers, look again, I believe you will find them and when you do you will see that this present day and the future should God tarry is rather bright! Oh and for those of you struggling with sin, get the knob and turn on the light, yes it is that simple!
Gene Burroughs
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Questions Without Answers
Questions without answers?
One of the most difficult things you face when going through trauma and grief are the many questions, most of which seem to be without answers. When Dawn was diagnosed with terminal cancer we had far too many questions and few if any that they could answer. The fear of lawsuits no doubt the primary cause of their lack of communication at least I hope the reason is that good. It seemed that no matter who we turned to we found so few who would or could answer our questions, things like: What are the signs we look for when death is knocking? How do we tell our children? What will be here next symptom that we should be concerned about? Should we seek outside help? Is chemotherapy a viable choice? These and countless more were the medical questions, then of course there were the personal ones, like: How did this happen could we have prevented it? How will Gene raise the girls on his own, or can he? Will the Church be able to support us, if so how long? How will we pay for all of the added expenses? Should I remarry, or will I ever love again in order that I might? Can we stay in our home, and again so many, many more? Soon overwhelmed I realized that if one focuses constantly on the questions they would surely go mad with fear and rage, for again the answers are few and far between.
Something I learned early on was that so many of these questions would simply be answered on their own, and no amount of worry was going to get it done any faster. I became so busy caring for Dawn that I had no time for focusing on wonder and doubt, “no time for such foolishness” I could hear my dearly departed grandmother say. How right she was there was no time and even more important was the foolishness of many of the questions. You see after Dawn passed there was still no time for doubt, worry, and wonder, every moment of every day is now taken up with fulfillment of duties, and service to others.
The more I ponder this the more I understand Jesus words when He told us not to worry, you see worry is the plant that grows from the seed of questions. The more we question the less we trust and the less we trust the more we worry and the more we worry the farther our eyes are turned form the glory of our God. To understand this concept is to truly understand the love of our God, for He knows of our needs long before we ask and He is faithful and just to provide. The further down this road I travel the more questions that are answered and the less time I spend seeking those answers and the more time I spend enjoying the journey. I have found that I am more in love than ever with my Lord, with my children, with my grandchildren, and life in general, even though my loss appears to be so great. I find that the more I have reached out to Him the more at peace I have become and the fewer questions I feel the need to ask. The future is bright because He is in it and my life grows more complete every day. Today it has been exactly seven months since Dawn passed and thirteen months since my grieving began, I miss her yes, I love here more than ever, yet I now understand with complete clarity that she is happy and with Him, and so must I be as well. Down this road I will travel and the one who created this path will lead the way, in Him I trust, my future awaits, and I question the outcome no more!
Gene Burroughs
Pastor
One of the most difficult things you face when going through trauma and grief are the many questions, most of which seem to be without answers. When Dawn was diagnosed with terminal cancer we had far too many questions and few if any that they could answer. The fear of lawsuits no doubt the primary cause of their lack of communication at least I hope the reason is that good. It seemed that no matter who we turned to we found so few who would or could answer our questions, things like: What are the signs we look for when death is knocking? How do we tell our children? What will be here next symptom that we should be concerned about? Should we seek outside help? Is chemotherapy a viable choice? These and countless more were the medical questions, then of course there were the personal ones, like: How did this happen could we have prevented it? How will Gene raise the girls on his own, or can he? Will the Church be able to support us, if so how long? How will we pay for all of the added expenses? Should I remarry, or will I ever love again in order that I might? Can we stay in our home, and again so many, many more? Soon overwhelmed I realized that if one focuses constantly on the questions they would surely go mad with fear and rage, for again the answers are few and far between.
Something I learned early on was that so many of these questions would simply be answered on their own, and no amount of worry was going to get it done any faster. I became so busy caring for Dawn that I had no time for focusing on wonder and doubt, “no time for such foolishness” I could hear my dearly departed grandmother say. How right she was there was no time and even more important was the foolishness of many of the questions. You see after Dawn passed there was still no time for doubt, worry, and wonder, every moment of every day is now taken up with fulfillment of duties, and service to others.
The more I ponder this the more I understand Jesus words when He told us not to worry, you see worry is the plant that grows from the seed of questions. The more we question the less we trust and the less we trust the more we worry and the more we worry the farther our eyes are turned form the glory of our God. To understand this concept is to truly understand the love of our God, for He knows of our needs long before we ask and He is faithful and just to provide. The further down this road I travel the more questions that are answered and the less time I spend seeking those answers and the more time I spend enjoying the journey. I have found that I am more in love than ever with my Lord, with my children, with my grandchildren, and life in general, even though my loss appears to be so great. I find that the more I have reached out to Him the more at peace I have become and the fewer questions I feel the need to ask. The future is bright because He is in it and my life grows more complete every day. Today it has been exactly seven months since Dawn passed and thirteen months since my grieving began, I miss her yes, I love here more than ever, yet I now understand with complete clarity that she is happy and with Him, and so must I be as well. Down this road I will travel and the one who created this path will lead the way, in Him I trust, my future awaits, and I question the outcome no more!
Gene Burroughs
Pastor
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