This past week was Thanksgiving and the first what I call Family holiday(s) since Dawns passing, and yes it was challenging. I was spending a few days at my oldest daughters and her husbands home in Medford Oregon for the holiday, along with my two younger daughters, two granddaughters and a plethora of friends and extended family. Our time of fellowship and feasting was truly a blessing and extremely joy filled. However each day I found myself needing to retreat to my hotel room, not for any particular reason except that I was being drawn as if by some unseen force. I would arrive at the room, change into casual clothes, maybe take a short nap, and simply do nothing, one night for over 14 hours. I wondered why, but was in no way compelled to change my behavior, oh sure I felt a little guilty, but not enough conviction could be found to cause a change in my behavior. At times I would attempt to read, yet all to quickly my mind would wander, my prayers were short lived, and my desire to write was no where to be found, I simply could not find the interest to function.
Then it happened, I was taking a college aged young lady who knows me all to well out for a shopping run when she looked at me asked,"how are you doing?" When I heard those words something inside of me broke and the tears began to flow. These were not tears from random thoughts about Dawn and the season, no these were rivers of water that had been held back far to long. In that moment I was struck by the reality of what I had done over the past few weeks, how I had successfully without intent locked up my heart from the pain. You see somewhere along the way, somehow I had managed to hide behind the urgency of life, the joy of pastoring, the excitement of life with my family, and the love for my girls and son, just long enough to mask the intense pain of my loss. Once again my heart turned to mush, my mind to memories and my eyes to a floodgate opened and free flowing with the tears born from pain. In an instant this wall that had taken months to build, created from anger, fear, bitterness, frustration and feelings of inadequacy, all came tumbling down, and I was free!
I can honestly say that up until now I had no clue what it meant to lose your mate, and now that I do there is no way I would never wish this on anyone. To lose someone that you have spent most of your life loving, and forming a relationship such as a marriage with goes far beyond that of losing a parent or a grandparent,(something I am all to familiar with). Lets face it, a marriage is something that has been hard fought for, it has been forged from solid rock often without the benefit of proper tools. There has been blood shed, compromise,heartache, disappointments and more; there have been bruises, broken promises, forgotten dreams, pain beyond measure, yet pleasure beyond pain. There are rewards that cannot be paid for with anything less than the lessons it took to gain them, they are priceless. And while no one wants to go through them again you would never want to deny yourself of the blessing of all you have learned in the process, it has made you who you are. Then just about the time you see the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train, just when you feel like there is more of a downhill grade to life together, you come face to face with life's most challenging reality, death!
Yes it is true that we will all someday face this same pain, (some of you already have) and because of this impending pain may I give you my most treasured advice? Stop living like you have tomorrow, stop living like God is what you want Him to be, stop taking advantage of those you are taking advantage of, be ready for the end, for believe me my friend when I say; "it is much closer than you think".
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