Friday, December 24, 2010

A New Day

In August of 2009 the Lord began drawing me in to a time of transformation like none I could have ever imagined, one that would transform me and all of those around me for a lifetime. Mind you this was not an event that would soon take place and much like a good Church service or camp transform you until reality crept back in. No, this was a literal transformation of mind, body, and spirit triggered first by a call and secondly by a catastrophic event. You see first the Lord prepared my heart and mind to receive change, then the change came, this process allowed me to not be so impacted by the events to follow that I could not appreciate and accept from whence they came. The call was to leave our Church of thirty plus years where I had served for over twenty nine years and take a struggling and trying work in a nearby town. The second much more catastrophic event being the diagnosis of my wife with late stage terminal cancer and her subsequent death just six short months later. The ensuing transformation has been one of unexplainable pain and emotion, needless to say exhausting. This transformation however was needed and has come to be appreciated by this Pastor as one worth every moment of suffering, anguish, doubt, fear, and loss. Prior to this I was constantly searching for what the Lord had for me, so much so that when it was right in front of me I couldn’t recognize it! My life was filled with dreams that rarely came true, unrealistic aspirations, and distractions that were allowed to keep me form intimacy with God, my wife, my family, and anyone else with whom I had contact. Oh yes I was committed to service, yes I loved the Lord, and yes I was faithful, however there is so much more that He desires for us.
In the ensuing months I have truly learned what it means to be intimate with God, to trust Him for everything, to be unable to function without Him. He has shown me what it means what it truly means for Him to be my all in all,. Nights without sleep, days without rest, months without companionship all have led to a transformation of heart, mind, and spirit, that will prevent the old man from ever resurfacing again. For so many years my spouse, my family, and friends would attempt in every way to show and convince me of God’s love for me, how I needed not do anything to earn it, but rather just bask in and receive it. Yet only the Lord my God could change the heart and mind of a man formed and shaped by the harshness of this world. Only the one true God could cause this transformation, and knowing the cost He saw it was best for me, my family, and so many more! Have I arrived to a place of eternal bliss and understanding so grand that I may never fail again? No I have only arrived at this destination, at this place and time and each day begins a new, each day I await His direction for me.
Regrets you ask? I have many. The should have, could have demon is alive and well at times in all of our lives, but we must remember the past is not our home, we live for the moment. Each moment of our existence upon this earth may be our last, hence we should act and live as such. To say I have regrets is to say that I do not believe in the divine power of God, it is to say that I have chosen not only my destiny but that of others as well. This is not a responsibility or a burden I will choose to bear or accept, for you see it is He who determines our time upon this earth, our destiny, our entire being, and He alone. The only part we play in this role is truly how much we will learn, obey, grow, effect others, and enjoy the adventure.
Yes my life has changed I am more in love now than ever, with my God, my children, grandchildren, people, ministry, and more. Yes I have again found love, a deeper than imaginable love, a love for my God that has transformed who I am, a love worth dying for. No longer do I wander seeking to find my way, but rather now I wonder at who He is and why He loves me so. How can such love come form such great tragedy you ask? I ask how can anything but love come forth when you see the God of all creation active and alive in your life, doing all He can to bring you to a place of wholeness and completeness in Him.
From this day forward I will begin to write about the new chapter in my life, I will no longer look at life through glasses filtered with “Life After Loss” because what I have lost is not lost at all. Dawn is with the Lord in heaven, the one thing we all aspire for she has received, she is complete therefore she has been found. All I have lost is her earthly companionship, nothing else has gone away the rest remains permanently etched into my very being. What I have gained is new life, comfort with God, a deep relationship with my children, and a greater understanding and drive for God’s will for me, I have gained the true meaning of intimacy.
Having experienced the tragedy, the pain, the fear, and so much more, so much more than mere words could ever describe, I end with these words: “it was worth the pain, and I would never go back, the future is to bright and today is a new day”
Merry Christmas to all of you and thank you so much for your love and support through this most trying time of my life.
Gene Burroughs
Servant

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I give myself away

I Give myself away


Earlier this week the lord placed a statement upon my heart, one that soon became my posting on Facebook: “I give myself away”. Little did I know the power of that statement or the effect it would have on my life in the ensuing days. Soon after my posting someone I care very much about and for commented that I should look up the song by the same name on youtube, and so I did. While this song and those who perform it (William Mcdowell), have moved me greatly I have quickly come to recognize the hand of God directing me to an amazing place of fellowship and commitment to Him as a result. The statement “I give myself away so you can use me” simply will not leave my mind, nor do I desire it to. This morning in my quiet time with the Lord I asked Him to give me a message of great power for those who would take away from their valuable time to read these ramblings of his servant and He was so quick to answer. He led me to listen to the song not just once but twice and had it not been for the river of tears flowing from my face I would be listening still. The tears however were not because of the powerful voice, great back-ups or instrumentals in the song, no the tears were born deep in the heart and the mind of a man filled with pain, fear, anxiety, and questions. As you all should know the past year was no doubt the most difficult year of my life, we left our Church of 31 yrs. to begin a new work. Dawn is diagnosed with terminal illness and soon joins the Lord, followed by more questions, doubts, fears, and so much more than could be written about in a thousand years. Had it not been for His faithfulness I would have not made it. Reflecting upon these things I had come to the somewhat arrogant position of believing that I had a handle on my walk with God, that somehow I had given all away in order that He might use me. I began tis adventure not knowing how to survive without Dawn and now have come to a place that I could not have ever been had she survived and were here with me know. This place of living each day knowing that anything or anyone He removes from my life is ultimately for His greater good, and mine as well. It is not a contest between the Lord and I to see how much pain we can endure before He bails us out, no this is not a game, this is life, a life committed to giving it all away to serve Him.
This morning I truly gave it all away, every desire, every want, every fear, every question, every doubt, every sin, every care, they are all His. You see it’s not that I don’t care any more, it’s that suddenly and truly nothing else matters. What greater joy can there be than to be in a place where the cares of this world truly do not matter, a place where you absolutely trust Him for everything. I don’t mean saying that we trust him and then worrying about the outcome, no I mean trusting Him and walking away knowing that every plan and purpose He has is going to bless us and work out for His greater glory. I have given it all away today, I watched in my mind’s eye this morning as every worldly possession I had was handed over to Him, every care, every vehicle, every hobby, every passion, everyone I love, and so much more, I have given them all to Him. I have given them now in such a way that they are His, and I cannot have them to use unless He so wishes or considers it best for me. He can lock them up, He can destroy them, He can give them away, or He can allow me to use them, bu they are His, and I trust Him completely with them. A dear friend who has been through the same loss shared that this was the culmination of her healing, the day she gae it all away. Could it be that we are all in some form of grief and giving it all away is the only true way to a complete and absolute healing?
What do I expect in return you ask? “I give myself away so you can use me.” You see none of these things ever belonged to me I just assumed they did, after all I collected them correct? No they never were mine, if they were permanently mine wouldn’t I own them forever? What is it we take with us when we leave this earth, is there any single thing that is allowed to join us on the other side? I am convinced that the fishing pole my father was buried with remains to this day in his coffin and yes in a rather deteriorated state. The only thing we take with us my friends is the stuff we rarely see, the lives that were touched, the souls that were won, the smiles of those whom we have blessed, the things not of this world those are the things we can collect and carry over and nothing more!
Another lesson I have learned in my life that has been reemphasized this year is that “you cannot outlive God” but live trying. Job received a double blessing from God for His trials, he lived a good long life, and in his trials he gave it all away and found what mattered most. Everything I have given the Lord has been redeemed, even Dawn, her memory never fades, her influence lives on, but she is the Lords completely now.
I now longer own anything I have given it all away, and today my burden is so light, He is truly all I need, He will sustain me, and he will use me. Please consider joining me in this radical style of living, it requires little change and the blessing is beyond all measure and imagination. Take those things that you are hanging on to and give them back to their rightful owner, tell the Lord, “My life is not my own I give it all to you, so you can use me” you will not be disappointed.
Gene Burroughs
Servant

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Turn on the light

This morning I was in the midst of an hour and a half long phone conversation with my mom
when the Lord used that conversation to reveal something quite interesting to me. I was sharing with her how so many times the Lord will use seemingly small phrases, or words to open up the floodgates of change, or blessing. For example when the Lord says I will redeem you, the true action of that statement sets in motion a chain of events that impacts a person for an eternity! I was looking at one of the lamps in our living room, where recently the small knob that controls the light broke in half, and it suddenly became extremely difficult to turn on that light. I was no longer able to shed light in the room. I found myself quite frustrated, I would try to turn the knob with all my might yet to no avail. I decided to use a tool to get a better grip on the knob and succeeded only in damaging it further. After weeks of frustration and sitting in the dark a trip to the local hardware store and sixty nine cents plus tax and minimal effort solved my problem. Once again there is light in the room, the darkness is now being shut out by the simple turn of a switch. A switch very similar to the one that just went off in many of our heads, a switch that takes us from a place of assumption and scenario, to a place of fact and truth.
You see we all have them, these switch moments, times when the senseless makes sense and the unreasonable becomes acceptable or even desired. I have recently had one of those switches turned on in my life in regards to Dawn’s passing, one I feel compelled to share. I like many others have asked this question of God: “why, why God did you take her?” Yes while I too asked that question on occasion it is no longer a question I ask nor one that I would ever ask again. Not because I have this great faith and stand firm on the belief that all God does is good and for His glory, (which I do believe) but no rather because of the fact that He has never shown me or anyone else reason to doubt Him, or His love for us. You see we may think we have reason when in reality we do not, we don’t have the ability to comprehend or understand the things of God well enough to question His actions. What we do have is evidence of His love, His promises, His desire to be reconciled with us, and many more promises. Yes I loved my wife more than anyone could ever love their spouse, I was faithful to her in all ways as she was to me, and yes I struggled with anger and questions, but as one on the front lines of this situation often standing alone in my decisions the only question I have of God is, “what's next Lord?” The past became the past the moment it was no longer the present and the past cannot be changed we should only learn from the past and use it to enhance our future, but never use it to identify who we are, or control where we are going. I spent over thirty five years with Dawn and we were married for thirty one years five months and nine days, and every day we learned and grew together, and the greatest thing we learned was to follow God, and now she is being rewarded in His prescience. I and the girls are here, we are going through life day by day, and we are trusting in our God, some days are difficult some not so much so, and the harder days are becoming fewer and farther between. What does this have to do with the lamp you ask? Let me say this, a switch has been turned and the darkness is gone, no more tools, no more frustration, no more fear, no more questions. I know beyond doubt that the Lord has a plan for my family and I as well as all of those who were impacted by this amazing woman of God, and that plan does not include Dawn. If you are waiting for answers, look again, I believe you will find them and when you do you will see that this present day and the future should God tarry is rather bright! Oh and for those of you struggling with sin, get the knob and turn on the light, yes it is that simple!

Gene Burroughs

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Questions Without Answers

Questions without answers?

One of the most difficult things you face when going through trauma and grief are the many questions, most of which seem to be without answers. When Dawn was diagnosed with terminal cancer we had far too many questions and few if any that they could answer. The fear of lawsuits no doubt the primary cause of their lack of communication at least I hope the reason is that good. It seemed that no matter who we turned to we found so few who would or could answer our questions, things like: What are the signs we look for when death is knocking? How do we tell our children? What will be here next symptom that we should be concerned about? Should we seek outside help? Is chemotherapy a viable choice? These and countless more were the medical questions, then of course there were the personal ones, like: How did this happen could we have prevented it? How will Gene raise the girls on his own, or can he? Will the Church be able to support us, if so how long? How will we pay for all of the added expenses? Should I remarry, or will I ever love again in order that I might? Can we stay in our home, and again so many, many more? Soon overwhelmed I realized that if one focuses constantly on the questions they would surely go mad with fear and rage, for again the answers are few and far between.
Something I learned early on was that so many of these questions would simply be answered on their own, and no amount of worry was going to get it done any faster. I became so busy caring for Dawn that I had no time for focusing on wonder and doubt, “no time for such foolishness” I could hear my dearly departed grandmother say. How right she was there was no time and even more important was the foolishness of many of the questions. You see after Dawn passed there was still no time for doubt, worry, and wonder, every moment of every day is now taken up with fulfillment of duties, and service to others.
The more I ponder this the more I understand Jesus words when He told us not to worry, you see worry is the plant that grows from the seed of questions. The more we question the less we trust and the less we trust the more we worry and the more we worry the farther our eyes are turned form the glory of our God. To understand this concept is to truly understand the love of our God, for He knows of our needs long before we ask and He is faithful and just to provide. The further down this road I travel the more questions that are answered and the less time I spend seeking those answers and the more time I spend enjoying the journey. I have found that I am more in love than ever with my Lord, with my children, with my grandchildren, and life in general, even though my loss appears to be so great. I find that the more I have reached out to Him the more at peace I have become and the fewer questions I feel the need to ask. The future is bright because He is in it and my life grows more complete every day. Today it has been exactly seven months since Dawn passed and thirteen months since my grieving began, I miss her yes, I love here more than ever, yet I now understand with complete clarity that she is happy and with Him, and so must I be as well. Down this road I will travel and the one who created this path will lead the way, in Him I trust, my future awaits, and I question the outcome no more!

Gene Burroughs
Pastor

Sunday, December 12, 2010

All Sin is a Choice

Dear Friends As you know this past week our former youth leader has confessed that he has chosen to walk in a lifestyle contrary to the word and will of God, as a result there are of course many questions. In order to assist you in knowing how to help your children and possibly even yourself to understand and answer questions I have done my best to do so from my understanding. My prayer is that this will be of some help to you, and ultimately you will need to stand on the word of God and ask the Holy Spirit for understanding and wisdom. 1) Is homosexuality a choice or are you born gay? First of all let me say that homosexuality is a sin a missing of the mark just like any other sin. To say that we are born gay can have many implications but let me address two in particular. The first is this thought that says since I was born gay then God says that it is ok. This would be a statement made by one attempting to justify their actions while professing to be walking with the Lord. The reality is that since the fall of man in Genesis chapter 3 all men have been born in to sin. Romans 3:23 says: “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” we know all of us are born with a sin nature. For some that nature is manifest in lying, for others in gossip, for others in addiction, for others sexual sin, and so on, we are all born with a desire to feed our flesh with sin. Therefore our only hope is that we be born again, Jesus recorded speaking in John 3:3 says this: “Most assuredly I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.” He goes on to say in John 3:5-6 “Most assuredly I say to you, unless one is born of the water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. 6 That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.” What Jesus is saying is that in order to overcome our sinful nature and be saved, we must receive Christ as our savior and be transformed from the man of sin and flesh to a man of redemption and spirit. So the answer truly is that yes all men are born in to sin because of the fall and all men must be transformed by the Spirit to be saved. 2) What does the Bible specifically say about homosexuality? First of all let me say that there is no place in the Bible that homosexuality is encouraged, or spoken of as being normal or acceptable in any form. 1 Corinthians 6:9-20 is the passage I choose when discussing sinful nature such as homosexuality and here is why. a) It directly speaks of homosexuality and other sins as such (verses 6-10) b) It speaks to redemption and salvation by Christ from this sin once we have repented. (verse 12) c) We are told that yes all things are lawful, or that I can do anything I want because of my free choice will, however they are not good for me. Why you ask are they not good for me? Because as we read in verses 9-10 they separate us from God and as we read in John 3 we must be born again. In addition we are reminded that our bodies are not our own they are His and He commands us not to defile them, therefore what we do we do against Him who purchased us with the highest price. Another area we see homosexuality spoken of is in the old testament places like 1Kings 14:24, 15:12, 22:46, in these cases the writer is addressing “male cult prostitutes” those who were part of a cult with the only purpose being to add to their following by corrupting men for their god. In Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13 we are told that homosexuality is an abomination and they are to be put to death. Why such harsh judgment you ask? If for no other reason God says not to do it, and we must remember the motive of most people who are caught up in sin; to get more people caught up in that sin. This may be a hidden motivation or even unknown on their part, however it is not unknown by the one who feeds our sinful nature. By capitalizing on our fleshly nature the enemy knows that when we are in sin if we can get others to join us we are then able to subconsciously justify our actions, after all if everyone is doing it, then it must be ok. Again homosexuality is no different than any other sin; it is another way the enemy uses to separate us from God. 3) Does God still love this person? God loves His creation, He loves those who are searching and He loves those who have found redemption through Christ, He even loves those who have turned their back on Him, however love and salvation are two different things. God loves all mankind, His creation, and He has given all His creation a choice which is in fact the greatest example of His love, John 3:16-17. 4) Is this person going to heaven? The bottom line is that God will judge man according to the decisions man has made, we know that salvation is a choice; we know that salvation is a gift, and we know that God alone will judge. We also read in places such as Romans chapter 8 that “There is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” I suggest you read this entire chapter to your family or for yourself. Romans 8 ends with an interesting promise, that nothing can separate us from Gods love a passage that many apply to themselves even when walking in sin. I believe that a proper understanding based upon previous verses and Paul’s other writings would say that those who have conquered their flesh will not be separated from God, and the opposite would be more realistic for those who chose to adopt a missing the mark lifestyle. 5) Can I still be friends with this person? I believe that this is a question best answered by those who are involved in your guidance and counsel. We would all do well to remember that sin and those in it are seeking knowingly or unknowingly to draw others in, hence a great need for accountability on our part. 2 Thessalonians 3:14-15 is very clear that we should not keep company with someone who is choosing to fall away but do not count them as an enemy. If we cut off relations with those choosing to practice immorality they will soon find themselves facing their failing, they will wonder why their friends have gone from fellowship, possibly beginning or assisting in the process of restoration. Do we blackball them from Church, no not as long as they are coming for a healing and are repentant, for if they are not repentant they will by their very nature corrupt? People living in sin are approaching every truth with a disregard for it, hence their counsel is tainted and not pure, nor can it be. Those choosing a lifestyle contrary to the word of God have made their only viable statement by doing so, and that statement is that they know better than God. 2 Timothy 3: 1-5: But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: 2 For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, un-thankful, unholy, 3 unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despiser's of good, 4 traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away! 6) Will God forgive them? 2 Timothy 2: 19-26: Nevertheless the solid foundation of God stands, having this seal: “The Lord knows those who are His,” and, “Let everyone who names the name of Christ depart from iniquity.” 20 But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay, some for honor and some for dishonor. 21 Therefore if anyone cleanses himself from the latter, he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified and useful for the Master, prepared for every good work. 22 Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. 23 But avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife. 24 And a servant of the Lord must not quarrel but be gentle to all, able to teach, patient, 25 in humility correcting those who are in opposition, if God perhaps will grant them repentance, so that they may know the truth, 26 and that they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil, having been taken captive by him to do his will. Again God will judge mankind all we know is what the word tells us, and that we must obey! In closing: To purpose to walk away from a lifestyle glorifying to God means that one who has known God does not truly desire to fellowship with Him, on His terms but rather on their own. God calls us to a lifestyle that neglects our fleshly desires and draws us into a battle that we can win with His help, we must simply choose to fight. I love my fallen brother, I desire to see him restored just as I do all that have fallen away or have yet to choose, I will not judge Him, however the word of God has and I will not oppose the word. If we have no truth to stand on then we have no foundation and we will then crumble and fall, our foundation is not sifting sand subject to opinion and rhetoric, our foundation is the truth, The Written Word of God! Pastor Gene Burroughs Shasta Lake Church 12/13 10

Thursday, December 9, 2010

LOVE WORTH FIGHTING FOR

Love Worth Fighting For

Thirty-two years ago today a twenty-year-old High School dropout cowboy with no plans for life, a hunger for truth, and an aversion for self-destruction, married a nineteen-year-old shy cowgirl who had been swept off her feet. She was toughened by life, feared know one or know thing, and knew exactly what she wanted, a ranch, cows, horses, and any other stray that wandered in. Her wedding dress cost $36 at a local discount boutique, it wasn’t a formal wedding dress but at least it was white, her ring had been purchased on credit and cost more than the entire honeymoon and wedding combined. The little Church in Central Valley was pastored by a friend and the piano player was borrowed from another Church. You could cut the tension with a knife that day as for the first time ever both sets of divorced parents now remarried were all in the same room, yes it was more than slightly awkward. The groom cried so hard he couldn’t be understood and the bride let go with a nervous laugh, (or so she said). Their honeymoon was three days of travel up the coast on a shoestring budget of $280 all provided by the generosity of others.
While this marriage began in the midst of struggle and poverty there was something here rarely found in marriages today, a deep commitment to succeed. Dawn and I both came form broken homes, we knew first hand the pain, frustration, fear, awkwardness, shame, and so many more of the negative consequences of divorce. That in itself was enough to get us through the early years but thankfully it was not all of the help we received. One year after our marriage Dawn and I met the Lord at Little Country Church and with His help there was hope. Each day we would remind ourselves in our own way of our need to succeed. Some days we wanted to give up and walk away, on others we never wanted it to end, and sometimes we were just going through the motions. You see no matter how deep your love the world does all it can to destroy every marriage. We laughed, we cried, we argued, we made up, we traveled together, we worked together and we served the Lord together. We found purpose, we found wealth, (not financial far better), we found love, and we found life, and all of it in Christ side by side.
We were blessed with three wonderful girls each different and unique and each one adding to our understanding of God’s love for us. Just looking at those girls we were reminded daily how important our marriage was, how deep God’s love was for us, and we saw the product of our love everyday. When I look upon our daughters and granddaughters today I see the product of love, I see the treasure of trials, I see the preciousness in perseverance, and the reward for the resistance to flee, I see life! To see them without the scars of divorce is the second greatest reward any man could ever ask for, and I pray that they will pass that gift on to their children. The greatest reward of course is a love for God, recognition of Jesus as savior and a commitment to truth.
When I took those vows on December 9th 1978 I never imagined that I would have to live the out in every way, never could I have imagined in sickness and in health would end in sickness. Once Dawn was diagnosed she had already begun to lose many of her abilities to function and for five months we saw a steady decline until her ultimate passing. In that time I was able to learn more about love than I could ever have imagined. There was never a regret for serving Dawn during this time, it was an honor one that comes with being a spouse. You see we fought for our marriage until her last breath, we fought because we had hope, we fought because we promised to do so, and we fought for all the same reasons then as we had for the previous decades. We fought for our marriage because every marriage is worth fighting for; love comes at a cost, a cost worth paying no matter the toll. I will never regret one ounce of effort that I gave toward making our marriage work, as a matter of fact I would give anything to have the pleasure of working for it today. Spend the time, make the effort, in the end there will be no regrets, take it from one who knows first hand.
Gene Burroughs

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Leaving the Pain Behind

Leaving the Pain Behind
This Thursday Dawn and I would have been celebrating our 32nd year of marriage. Looking back to a year ago I can remember our last anniversary in every very vivid detail. The girls were staying with friends, we had just found out that there was nothing medically that could be done for her, so we called our dear friends Greg and Teresa at the Obrien Mountain Inn and they of course graciously invited us to come and stay. We were both so numb from the past month of tests and Doctor visits that in the beginning few words were spoken, there wasn’t much to be said. Dawn took a bath I put on our favorite CD at the Inn, Bebo Norman, and then I began to read the devotional on the table, one written by a favorite author, Max Lucado. There was peace in the midst of absolute chaos that night, there were shared memories of days gone by and little talk of the days ahead, after all what lie ahead was filled with fear and uncertainty. But our past was a safe place to visit tonight, you see this was a night when we focused on the moments of joy and triumph, memories that we could relive and enjoy together. This was not a night where we relived our mutual disappointments, or spoke of the should have, could have or would have moments. We talked more that night than we had in months, something we would find ourselves doing much of for the next all to short five months. While this behavior was one that was not completely strange to us the one noticeable change truly was the lack of focusing on or even mentioning the times we had disappointed or failed each other. You see we now understood the absolute waste of time and energy (something we had little of in each case), it was to focus upon such trivial matters. After all the standard we had set for one another was one that neither of us could have ever lived up to, and having now realized that to focus on it at all would be simply a waste of valuable resources.
As I look back now two days away from the anniversary of that night on the mountain, that night when without speaking of it or purposing to do so our priorities were suddenly changed, a night when what evil meant for harm God turned to good, I can now smile. I smile because even now those disappointing moments and former conversations that were not so edifying are just ever fading memories not worthy to ever be spoken of again. They have no further consequence or influence that would be edifying or uplifting, they are simply memories worth forgetting. My hope now has become that I may pass on this lesson to my children, grandchildren, and those who would read my rantings. The understanding of the utter importance of ignoring the truly unimportant, on straying away from using the disappointments of our loved ones as a weapon to inflict harm. You see those memories stay alive only as long as we feed them, only as long as we use them to harm ourselves and others, their life giving blood is our own anger and need for vengeance and the only winner is them, the only loser is us.
Just yesterday during a conversation with a friend the Lord spoke very clearly to me about the need for us to move ahead and focus on the day as opposed to the past. He showed me Lott and his family walking away from Sodom and Gomorra and He spoke these words “if I had not destroyed three past they would have returned to it, don’t go back”. You see the Lord is capable of destroying the negative influences of our past, He can if need be even do so in the physical and extreme sense that He did with Sodom. However I believe that His desire for us is to have us choose to step away, choose to close our minds to the influences of those memories, I believe that He would have us give them to Him, be healed and move on, never again to return to that place of pain and disappointment. if we are to have true victory, true deliverance, true healing, we must be willing to let the past die and live truly in the moment for one thing is for certain in this world, we have no guarantee for our very next breath!
Gene Burroughs

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Holiday Number One: "It is much closer than you think"

This past week was Thanksgiving and the first what I call Family holiday(s) since Dawns passing, and yes it was challenging. I was spending a few days at my oldest daughters and her husbands home in Medford Oregon for the holiday, along with my two younger daughters, two granddaughters and a plethora of friends and extended family. Our time of fellowship and feasting was truly a blessing and extremely joy filled. However each day I found myself needing to retreat to my hotel room, not for any particular reason except that I was being drawn as if by some unseen force. I would arrive at the room, change into casual clothes, maybe take a short nap, and simply do nothing, one night for over 14 hours. I wondered why, but was in no way compelled to change my behavior, oh sure I felt a little guilty, but not enough conviction could be found to cause a change in my behavior. At times I would attempt to read, yet all to quickly my mind would wander, my prayers were short lived, and my desire to write was no where to be found, I simply could not find the interest to function.
Then it happened, I was taking a college aged young lady who knows me all to well out for a shopping run when she looked at me asked,"how are you doing?" When I heard those words something inside of me broke and the tears began to flow. These were not tears from random thoughts about Dawn and the season, no these were rivers of water that had been held back far to long. In that moment I was struck by the reality of what I had done over the past few weeks, how I had successfully without intent locked up my heart from the pain. You see somewhere along the way, somehow I had managed to hide behind the urgency of life, the joy of pastoring, the excitement of life with my family, and the love for my girls and son, just long enough to mask the intense pain of my loss. Once again my heart turned to mush, my mind to memories and my eyes to a floodgate opened and free flowing with the tears born from pain. In an instant this wall that had taken months to build, created from anger, fear, bitterness, frustration and feelings of inadequacy, all came tumbling down, and I was free!
I can honestly say that up until now I had no clue what it meant to lose your mate, and now that I do there is no way I would never wish this on anyone. To lose someone that you have spent most of your life loving, and forming a relationship such as a marriage with goes far beyond that of losing a parent or a grandparent,(something I am all to familiar with). Lets face it, a marriage is something that has been hard fought for, it has been forged from solid rock often without the benefit of proper tools. There has been blood shed, compromise,heartache, disappointments and more; there have been bruises, broken promises, forgotten dreams, pain beyond measure, yet pleasure beyond pain. There are rewards that cannot be paid for with anything less than the lessons it took to gain them, they are priceless. And while no one wants to go through them again you would never want to deny yourself of the blessing of all you have learned in the process, it has made you who you are. Then just about the time you see the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train, just when you feel like there is more of a downhill grade to life together, you come face to face with life's most challenging reality, death!
Yes it is true that we will all someday face this same pain, (some of you already have) and because of this impending pain may I give you my most treasured advice? Stop living like you have tomorrow, stop living like God is what you want Him to be, stop taking advantage of those you are taking advantage of, be ready for the end, for believe me my friend when I say; "it is much closer than you think".